For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

As I have explained many times I cannot kick a ball. I was born with an issue with my feet for starters. My son doesn’t have the same issue. So can you stop with the !!

Yes I do think my son would be better at football if he has some individual attention and someone to explain the rules. The same way his reading got better when he got more attention.

And many many kids have invested dads, I see them on the sidelines.

I just think you are hyper focusing on a minor issue (kid not being great at football) and could be addressing DH family issues instead

i read your posts and think okay so your kid isn’t going to be good at football, shame but move on. Lots of girls and boys aren’t good at specific hobbies, they are good at other things, have fulfilling lives and thrive!

Football is part of social interaction for many boys. I’ve heard secondary school teachers say as much - the lads kicking a ball around the yard type thing.

My son also says he likes football. If I was dragging him that would be different but he is happy to go.

I get that some people won’t agree with the hyper focus on football, I just worry my son will be left out socially as he grows older if he can’t play at all.

He will be just fine! :)

Hi op
when my son was younger his dad was fairly old and didn’t really play football with him. Didn’t really bother. But I took
him to local football practice and he wasn’t that good.
But after a few years, he got quite into it. He’s an only child and loves playing football with his mates.
its his social life. But it wasn’t affected by having an older dad who didn’t really encourage him.
Now he’s a young adult, him and his dad watch football games together. So, don’t be too disheartened, they fund their own way

Sorry but what a loser of a father..

RTFT, she's explained it several times now!

This. What are you doing while he plays/watches sport I wonder

is it… doing the oarenting and all the shitwork by any chance?

I get it. My sisters kids are dyspraxic and can’t play football to save their lives. They got very upset about being socially excluded in the playground so it is definitely a thing.

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing to develop the skill so stick with it. It might also be worth signing him up for rugby and enduring that too for a bit. DH might get more involved when it’s something he knows and can actually do. There’s a lot of snobbery in rugby circles about football so he may well be avoiding it because he can’t play at all, or understand the rules.

Then there’s his crap attitude, excessive socialising etc. I think the bigger issue is figuring out what you are going to do about that.

What she said.

That's sad. You could tell DH to take him to rugby instead if that's a better bet. If you think the football is important, leave DD with DH and take DS yourself even if you don't participate.

There might be some level of subtle shaming if you take DS instead which might work to make him more involved. You could even up it by asking someone else, like an uncle or grandfather, to take him or kick a ball with him. Otherwise, talk up the involvement of other dads you know. I know someone who made everyone reevaluate how much interest they were taking in their own kids because he was so enthusiastic about his kids and their sports!

Is your DH the biological father to your son? Just curious as you keep saying ‘my son’ and not ‘our son.’ Have you asked your DH why he won’t take him to play football or if he would go out drinking less? I mean, it seems quite obvious but so many people seem frustrated with stuff but don’t actually communicate any of this. Have you told your DH why you think it would be important for him your son to get into football? Maybe he had a different take on what would be good for him.

7 is a good age to start rugby. If you sign your son up for some sessions and dad ends up taking him he may well get drawn in to the life of the club and it could be positive all round. It can be very social for the parents as well as the kids.

I completely agree that parents should do more with children to engage them with sports.

Your husband does sound shit. So what are you going to do?

If I were you, I would buy a rugby ball, and get my son throwing and catching in the garden. I appreciate you say you have a medical issue with feet, but throwing and catching a ball is really good fun, and anyone can do it.

And yes, ideally, your husband would be the one looking up rugby training, but he hasn’t - so if you want your son to be involved, I would do this. And maybe as your husband is into rugby, he’ll start to take more of an interest.

And I would also get your DD involved too - soon as she’s old enough to play rolling a ball between you get her doing it. Hand eye coordination isn’t just a natural gift - it’s a skill you can work on.

I’m sorry your DH is shit. I hope you can be twice the parent and your kids will benefit from your determination. You sound like a lovely caring mum - no one is perfect, but at least you’re putting your kids first.

I think that is so sad and I understand completely. I’d have a big conversation with your dh and say I think he’s turning out just as uninvolved as his dad and if it keeps going this way I will think what is the point of being married, at least if we are separated my son won’t be living in a house with a man who virtually ignores him and clearly chooses to go out frequently instead of spending basic time with his son. And that you are hoping your ds is never anything like he is right now as a dad, but for the sake of the relationship you are willing to support as much watching sport and social life as he’s spent time with his children each week. That means no tv or going out for the rest of this week at the moment as you’re not really being a dad are you, but you can catch up tonight as I’m going to pretend I’m you and go out. Maybe again tomorrow night. And the night after I’ll probably be glued to the tv watching some activity I refuse to engage with my kids on. See how you like living with a coparent who’s checked out

if you don’t check this shit fn

I also have a shit husband like this. You need to make this happen yourself. Just do it yourself. Learn the sport yourself, take him yourself to training, clubs, classes. Let him spend this time with the male coaches and male volunteers. They can be role models too. The clubs I take my son to are full of hands-on, interested dads and there me one of the few mums watching, supporting and helping out with a useless selfish husband at home having a lie in or going fishing (he never introduced our son to this hobby either).

Many kids do have more invested dads, yes - but to be blunt, yours don’t. And from what you’ve said, he doesn’t find parenting particularly rewarding and is very happy to be getting a social life away from his family (or at least his kids) back. Realistically, he has no intention of becoming more engaged, or inviting his son into his adult hobbies.

Your frustration is understandable but pointless. If you want your son to have experience with sports, you’re going to have to lead on getting it, personally or through clubs. It’s good that a coach at the football has taken an interest. Can you ask them to help him understand the rules more? Or pay for a 1:1 session? At 7 you run the risk that people will assume he does know how to play soon. Similarly that he’d be able to recognise that it is his team playing, if he’s interested enough to have one.

I presume it's not so much that the OP can't do this, but that she's doing everything else already and thinks that her husband might do this one thing, that he's apparently interested in, with his own son. Because otherwise, what exactly is the point in him?

OP - unfortunately your husband is a lazy, selfish twat. Your son will start to realise this at some point. He probably won't change, so my advice would be to "replace" him as much as possible. Look around you for other good male role models for your DS. Keep up the clubs and ask families you're friends with who have involved dads if you can hang out with them. Tell your husband this - that you're looking for male role models for your son because he's such a waste of space and letting his son down. Don't pull any punches.

Well you can show him, why is it down to a man women play football too

You're weirdly set on the idea that your DS needs to be able to play football to get on in life.

He really doesn't. That's never been true.

I'd love it if my DS went to kick a ball about with some mates but he tells me I'm old fashioned and no-one in secondary school wants to play football, they're all gaming and shouting at each other on headsets instead.

I love elaborate baking but I don't want to do it with my kids because they're generally shit at it, slow, and make a mess. They can stick a cake mix in some cupcake cases if they like but just because I enjoy something, doesn't mean I automatically want to do it with my kids.

Not sure I 100% agree the kid needs a male role model. Only that my DH is quite a huge guy, into sports and no one would mess with him. His dad had no interest in his family from when DH and his siblings were toddlers (it is very sad).

DH was raised by women and he is masculine and sporty and all that you may think you need from a man. Please don’t think you need a ‘male role model’ as women are more than capable of filling that role. Your DS will make friends with men in all avenues of life.

You are over focused on the football. Your DH sounds like he is hands off so you need to start there.

Id also get him into Rugby which is something you can help with passing the ball. Also is there a tennis club? Tennis is great for meeting kids from other schools and they often have fun half term/summer holiday coaching etc too.

Start with your DH though I am not sure how he justifies being absent all of a Sunday and just expect you to pick everything up.

As a lone parent I’d argue it’s easier doing it all alone than having a useless manchild in the mix as well.

He’s acting like a single man and you are acting as a single mum when it comes to the children. Maybe you should point this out to him. You might as well actually be a single mum. You wouldn’t have an adult man child in the house.

Well your DH is making no effort at parenting. It’s not a sports based issue really is it?

Whilst acknowledging his shit parenting, I still think that you are more than capable of doing the sports stuff yourself 🤷‍♀️ As a single mum, there was only me to do this with mine and I managed, despite being utterly crap at sport myself. Your kids won’t care how bad you are, but they’ll remember that you cared enough to try. They will also remember that their dad didn’t care enough to try.

You are not being unreasonable I would find that lack of interest in parenting a real turn off. The fathers around me even the ones you wouldn’t be writing home about are generally at least interested in their kid’s sports. But many of them coach loads of their kids hobbies as do the Mums.