For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

My husband had very limited physical ability when the kids were small but as an avid rugby fan, they were in team strips at 6 mo the and taken to watch at every opportunity.

Afraid I agree with catsand

I’m sorry about your dad.

The key difference though is while your dad may not have done the sports thing, he did other things.

I took DS for a walk yesterday. We had a funny conversation how how he think pigs are thinking about how to get revenge on humans for eating them. I told him there is a very famous book (Animal Farm) where pigs start to walk upright and kick the humans out of the farmhouse.

I took DD to a local art class on Saturday because she likes art. Unfortunately she wasn’t impressed there wasn’t painting but I tried.

DH has health and he’s into sport.

Besides that he a rarely does anything with DC off his own bat.

I hear you & it sounds like it must be a very difficult & frustrating situation. Gently though, I’d say ultimately your DH watching TV or playing video games with your son - even though it is the lazy option for your DH & that would piss me off too - is actually probably better for their relationship in the long run than them going to an activity you’ve arranged if your DH doesn’t want to be there as ultimately, your DS will pick up on that negativity & it’ll cause resentment.

Longer term though, I’d be thinking hard about what you’re getting from this partnership.

If your DH is not an adequately engaged parent, then that's a problem.

Your hyper-focus on football is OTT, though.

I'm male. Wasn't really interested in football until I was about 10 (more into imaginative play), then started playing in and out of school.

From that point in, I was a bit rubbish for 3 or 4 years (pre growth spirt) and usually one of the last picked, but still enjoyed it. Being one of the worst didn't hold me back, socially, and I enjoyed playing. Post-growth spirt I became very good - usually first picked during lunchtime games, and made it onto the school team (about 150 boys in my year).

Yeah it was nice when I was suddenly good at it but, from the point of developing an interest, I played every day regardless of whether I was good or bad, because I enjoyed it.

From my primary school peers, I could could on one hand (and could probably stand to lose a couple of fingers) the number of dads who even semi-regularly played football with my classmates.

If he enjoys it, then its great than you're facilitating extra training, etc, but its completely unnecessary. It reads a little like you might be pressuring him too hard to excel at sports, though (e.g., him being sad not to win a medal at sports day).

I do agree that football is a good social outlet but that doesn't mean you have to be great at it. And even if his dad did start playing with him regularly, its not likely to meaningfully improve his ability, unless your DH is a specialist coach or something.

By all means, encourage shared activities for the sake of bonding, but it doesn't have to be sport, and your focus on training him up to be "good enough" to socialize via football is extremely overboard and unnecessary.

Also, getting 1-to-1 coaching because he's "far behind" at 7....

...on average, most boys start playing between 5 and 8.

It is extremely unlikely that he is "behind". He may simply not have much in the way of natural ability (which may or may not change as his body does).

It sounds like he enjoys playing and doesn't perceive himself to be poor at it. Honestly, I think your focus on his ability (or lack thereof) in relation to his peers is more likely to end up hurting his self esteem and put him off playing, than it is to be productive in the long run.

Once I developed an interest in it, I'd play multiple times per day and loved it - in part because I liked the game and in part because I was playing with my friends. 1 to 1 training and skill-developing drills, though, would have bored me to tears (and was always the worst thing abouy out-of-school football - my peers and I saw it as a hoop to be jumped through before we could actually just have a game).

If he genuinely enjoys the 1 to 1 training then keep it up, but I think its unnecessary and unlikely to prove enjoyable in the long term.

You’re being unfair and reading something into my posts that isn’t there. Maybe just take what I’ve written at face value instead of implying something I didn’t actually say,

I know DS would be over the moon if he won a medal so yes it would be nice for his own happiness to win one at some stage. I’m not on here saying oh how can I make him better at sprinting. I also don’t think it matters that much. He was very upset when he didn’t win anything last year, and much less so this year. I think that’s great and I also think it’s partly down to me telling him that it doesn’t matter. I told him I was proud of him for managing his emotions and I am.

Saying I want my DS to be good enough to socialise isn’t being some kind of tiger parent. I mean him literally getting the basic rules of football, enough that he can play with his classmates.

I know my own child. I also know the environment in which I’m raising him. He is a very outgoing child, he always has been. Being able to hang out with people and meet new people is a huge source of happiness for him. Football is everywhere in our community. The lads at school are always talking about it, as are the kids where we live. I don’t want him not being able to play football at a basic level to get in the way of what he enjoys the most which is being social.

I thinking of getting him 1:1 training because he has never had any decent training. His dad isn’t going to teach him and I can’t.

He went to Little Kickers which was useless as the kids all went hyper and ran around including repeatedly out the fire escape. The football club in our town is full. A few dads have started a new club, and it’s cheap and they are lovely guys and it’s better than
nothing but they are not teaching him enough skills to understand a match.

When I say 1:1 coaching, I’m thinking hopefully a handful of sessions to run through the basics. I’m. It trying to turn him into Ronaldo.

There are many dads in DS school who are clearly very involved. Same on the side of the pitch.

My daughter is 10 and decided about a year ago that she wanted to play football. She’d never kicked a ball before. We found her a local girls team and a year later she’s really quite good. No additional ‘training’ or ‘kicking a ball around’ with us. I don’t think a 7 year old can be ‘behind’ at football TBH. Loads of kids haven’t even started playing.

All those people saying why can’t the OP kick a ball around with her son, I bet OP manages the household, sorts everyone’s clubs, appointments and life so, yes she could also add playing football with son to her list but why should she?
I get you OP, my husband can be like this too, and it’a unfair to take on even more. Your husband should be taking your son under his wing and showing him his love of rugby, that’s utterly shit of your husband and quite selfish.
I would delegate that task out to your husband to contact the club and get him started in junior rugby if your son wants that.
Overall though, it sounds like your husband is going through something, but he still has a family and children that he has to be present for whether he likes it or not.

He plays for the U7 in his club, and is now moving to the U8s. He is behind compared to the other U8s, as lots of them are able to play a match at some level and he isnt. That is what I meant.

He hasn’t had much training and when I signed him up for group training recently a lot of kids from the club were at it.

Good for your daughter. Perhaps she has great natural ability and had good training.

It doesn’t have much to do with my DS or mean that I’m doing it “wrong” by wanting my DS to have skills to help him play his team.

How often is he training now? Do you have a goal at home? Does he play football when his friends come round? The best thing for my son was to just spend ages kicking a ball around with friends on the green on our estate. He trains twice a week with a game each weekend but then spends the rest of his time doing other things.

One of the things that improved his game the most was improving his stamina. He can run for an entire game now which is a great start. So any sort of physical activity is good to support his fitness too.

Can you talk to his coach and see what he thinks?

I am sorry to hear it’s all so football themed at your school though - my son is one of a handful of children in the community club at our school so the breaks are spent playing loads of different things.

It wasn’t intended as a criticism of you at all, I’m sorry it came across that way. I just meant that he’s still so young. Plenty of time to improve.

Well it sounds all very football obsessed round you OP.
My younger son enjoys playing footie at school but I can tell you right now the rules ain't the ones the FA endorses ! There's nothing that couldn't be taught in 5 mins e.g we don't play offsides, we have the goals here, if it goes beyond the coat then it's out etc
Watch a match with your sin on the TV, listen to the commentators they explain it as they commentate. Bbc do a bitsize explainer which is perfect for kids. 121 coaches wont help as it's about recognising things as you play not honing your scoring skills.
I'm sorry DH is uninterested, this is the biggest issue. And don't stress about your DS finding friends, he'll find his tribe, football or not

Is your son ND?

It is odd, to me, if he's struggling to grasp the basic rules, given that they are extremely simple. I'd expect him to have sufficient understanding after playing one game (and I'm ND myself).

I cannot fathom how a child wouldn't be able to join in, if they wanted to, unless there are some underlying issues (and nothing in your posts suggest that).

Can you be more specific about what he is actually struggling with?

If its about more than just playing, and being able to join in football-related conversations, thats more to do with regularly watching football than it is playing - and I just don't see that as important, particularly for a 7 year old.

Sorry! I’m getting tired! And I’m a bit ratty from people repeatedly asking me why I don’t play with him, or saying I’m a misogynist because I want my husband to play football (or any sport!) with his son. Or asking why I haven’t mentioned DD.

As if fathers and sons playing football is some kind of gross act of sexism.

And now I feel it’s why are you such a tiger parent, you actually just want DS to win.

I don’t, I just want him (and DD) to have a happy childhood, and a decent chance at a happy balanced adulthood.

Absolutely.

On reflection, it was probably age 9 when I started developing an interest (not 10 as I posted earlier). I remember not knowing how to take a throw-in during my first game, and that wad about the extent of the learning-curve (in terms of understanding the game).

As a pre-teen, I did not have an athletic build and continued to be one of the worst players in my year group, but that didn't stop me enjoying it, and playing multiple times per day. Then puberty hit and I very suddenly went from being one of the worst in my year to one of the best - it was just a physique thing.

I dont think your intentions are wrong, OP, I just think you are unduly worrying about his ability in relation to his peers, and greatly overestimating the extent that him playing with his dad will make any difference. If he improves, it'll mostly be from playing with his peers. If he doesn't improve, but still enjoys it, that's also completely fine and won't materially hold him back socially (particularly inside school - there is a chance that he won't make the cut for an out of school team when they get to the competitive age, but his ability at age 7 wont be a great indicator of that).

He isn’t.

I think some of the issue is on reflection is no one has explained the basics.

But also he stops concentrating once they start playing a match or similar. He jigs up and down the sidelines, he pulls the bib over his head. A lot of the time he literally runs rings around the players, like literally he runs around them in a circle. Lately he has progressed to chasing the ball a lot so he sees the ball at runs at it. He doesn’t ever touch it though!

I can see he gets the idea of a tackle as he sort of does the body language of a tackle in front of kids but doesn’t ever tackle anyone.

He’s a pretty big kid but is hesitant to get stuck in physically.

If that makes any sense!

Football doesn’t seem like easy a sport to me, I’ve been watching bits of it for years and I know I only get the basics. When I took him for the coaching it seemed really complicated. There was all sorts of standing at angles and things I didn’t get.

And yes to a point, I get why people think I’m hyper focused on football. I do have a fear that DS will find himself standing on the sidelines of a playground because he can’t play football and given how social he is I think he would find that really hard. And I would find that hard as his mother.

Then that's shite. I have to say I despise parents, and let's be honest it's always men, who do this. You have made a little human. It is part of your job as an adult to develop and support that person. Your job is to given them opportunities that you didn't have, to educate them, to push them and to cheer when they exceed what you have done.

Couldn’t you just say to your H, you’d like him to spend more time doing activities with his son and daughter, preferably outdoor ones You don’t need to dictate beyond that. See what happens?

Honestly OP my son is the same, some kids get football and others just don’t. It’s actually a tough game and the kids have to WANT to get the ball. Is he happy playing though? how is training? It would do him well to have some one to one training to help. Or perhaps he is on the wrong team and would benefit from moving to a more developing team. This is all common with grass roots football.

My son wants to be part of the team but isn’t passionate enough about getting the ball. He gets anxious playing against other boys from different teams especially if they are bigger. At times the pitch is so loud with noise it distracts him. I don’t think it’s his sport, but there’s such a big football focus for boys this age and at school it’s like he must play in a team when actually there’s so many other sports out there. He won’t get sidelined though. He has to be his true self.

I think he’s just super young to be honest. My son was really distracted for quite a while and then it clicked in when he started training more. As others have said, it’s playing with peers that will change things.

Are they really tackling at 7? Definitely not allowed to do that here!

I don’t think the things you’re noticing have anything to do with knowing the rules. It’s about focus and paying attention and he has to be interested enough to do it himself really.

That's actually really helpful in understanding where you're coming from, thank you.

Honestly, it sounds like a general development/maturity thing (e.g., he is running around aimlessly, playing around with his bib, etc) rather than an ability one. He is still very young and, seemingly, is not yet at the point where he can engage in more structured activity (and is lagging behind his peers in that respect - but not to the degree where it should be a concern).

I think football is actually something of a red herring here, he's just not yet at the point of being able to engage in more structured play, particularly as part of a team. Playing with his dad likely wont help that, nor will 1-on-1 coaching.

It really does sound as though he just hasn't yet developed the focus needed to engage in team sports. He will get there, probably within the next year or so.

I wanted to come back to your last point.
I do think my husband is going through something. Something has shifted not in necessarily a major way, but there’s a constant I’m out X and Y night with a sort of giddy excitement/jail breakout mentality.

He was never a man who was very enthusiastic about having kids, and that hasn’t changed since he had them. I think we’ve had some sweet spots, having one child as a baby was probably the highlight as DS was an easy baby. Then DD who wasn’t an easy baby at all (and has a lot of allergies and very bad eczema) arrived at the start of Covid, DS grew into a nut job toddler and ever since things have felt quite intense. DD still has very regular meltdowns and she’s going to school next year.

One or both of us generally has kids from around 6 to when they go to bed at 8. We have to get DS’s homework done which used to be a battle which has settled ok for now but his homework will increase significantly next year. And DD will also have a bit of homework (though nothing major). DD gets very tired and can sometimes be tricky in the evenings. The latest is that they will eat dinner 6-7 and then claim to be starving at bedtime.

Mornings can be ok. The challenges are things like hair brushing, and DD saying she doesn’t want to go to nursery.

Weekends are football & swimming for DS on Saturday. Can be a party fairly regularly for one or both DC.

We aren’t great at routine. So we are kind of in make it up as we go along mode.

If any of that makes sense!

I thought after I typed it that does actually sound like he is ND!

I have spoken to his teacher and the possibility of ADHD and she is very firm in her view that he isn’t ND. For most things he seems very NT.

He does some things which are a bit mad. He has at times acted out in school and very much in swimming. But he seems to cut it out once he gets to know the teacher. It almost feels like he needs to be shown who is boss and then he’s like ok so and gets on with it!

He once acted out so badly in swimming that the teacher told me I needed to get him out of the pool for health & safety. And he won’t listen and was in the middle of the pool ignoring her & me. So I’m there standing in all my clothes looking at she like some kind of scene from Motherland! He has settled in swimming & now listens.

He says he likes football. He also says he’s played very well in games when he hasn’t touched the ball. I don’t know to what extent he realises isnt the case, I think he does on some level.

I think I do focus on football excessively and I probably do blame my DH for DS lack of focus.

I was chasing to another dad who was telling me his 12 year old is always arguing with his teacher. Like if she says don’t push, kid a was of injustice kicks in straight away and he’s like it was him first miss. Random anecdote but that was worry me sick whereas the dad want too bothers by it & he’s a teacher himself. So maybe I just worry too much.