For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

My husband played football most of his life and isn’t particularly involved with my son’s football. He finds children’s activities to be pretty boring. My son was awful when he started (I can’t play either) but several years down the line and he’s much better. He has training twice a week and a game on Sundays and he loves it. Would he be better if he played with his father every week like I see our neighbours doing? Sure. But that isn’t important because my children do lots of other things instead. My husband takes them hiking and camping and plays board games and all sorts of things.

if your son wants to play he’ll do it with or without a parent. You’re only seeing the involved dads because you’re looking for them - there will be plenty of children who have never played football with their parents.

football doesn’t have to be an important part of life. Plenty of kids don’t play at all. My daughter hates it and my son gets annoyed with people who only want to do football. He purposely finds children with other interests even though he plays.

this doesn’t mean your husband is a great father though as sounds like this is just an example of general lack of involvement. But just wanted to reassure you that your son doesn’t actually either need a parent to play or indeed play at all.

My ex was the same . He was obsessed with watching sport but wouldn’t cross the road to take DS . DS struggled making friends at high school and though he wasn’t a great player he got into a football team. I took him to training and games. It was the making of him . He thrived and finally had some mates. I got season tickets for our local team for DS and I but they weren’t good enough for DH ! DS is adult now and we still go together. My now ex-DH wonders why DS doesn’t particularly bother with him but you reap what you sow. Please keep supporting your son .

Well TBH it sounds like she’s doing everything else for both kids while her DH games and watches sports with his mates, so she probably just wants him to take responsibility for something.

YABU for this- “I think the only thing I can practically do is book my son into stuff and tell my husband he is taking him”. That’s not how life works, and certainly not how healthy relationships work. If my husband tried that with me he’d be getting a laugh and a “nope, you enjoy that”. We do not “just tell” each other what we’re doing.

They may not be a sports family, they can bond over gaming. That’s fine.

What puzzles me is why you picked football and not rugby to sign your son up given DH interest in rugby?
There seems to be a few things at play here

• you seem to have stepped in to the default parent role and DH is opting out, this is separate to football/sport issues but you've noticed it due to that. You need to get DH to step up and start engaging
• if your son likes and enjoys football in the local community centre then leave him doing that. He's probably learnt enough to kick a ball in the playground already. It's fine.
• if your son displays interest in other sports then by all means sign him up for those but if he's not sporty then don't bother making him do lots of different ones simultaneously. Let him try a few and see what he enjoys. Don't overcompensate
• fwiw (and I'm a rugby mum) rugby at v young age is not the same as club rugby as it's all tag (different skills required) and also if your son is small and slender DH may also be thinking he's not going to be suited rugby long term? I've no clue just guessing

My older DS only plays rugby, doesnt play football or anything and is 18 now and has been fine at his non rugby playing school! Football is not required for school life i promise

You need to talk about this again OP with your DH. You could even suggest he talks to his own Dad about any regrets he has. He also shouldn't be going out a few times a week with such small children. He's opting out of parenting. He needs to know that has consequences.

There are plenty of boys who have no interest in football and manage to live their lives! I think you are too focussed on this and you sounds as ‘traditional’ and sexist as your husband to be honest. If you want him to play sport, take him. You don’t have to practice with him. My parents were crap at maths, couldn’t do my homework so didn’t help me and I excelled at it. I also played netball and neither parents ever played netball with me.

Aside from this, your husband sounds terrible and is definitely not a father figure I’d want my child to grow up with. You don’t need to play sports to be a good father.

Honestly OP take him to rugby yourself or get him a mentor/sports mentor.

your DH sounds lazy, not sure why he wouldn’t take DS to games with him if he’s shown interest

Thanks so much for all your replies, really appreciate it.

DS is very social. There are 13 boys in his class and he happily plays with all of them. I think he is a natural extrovert, being around people makes him really happy. They arent allowed a ball in the yard at the moment I worry that when they are DS will be left out and will be upset about it.

Im going to let him try as few more sports this year and see if he likes a particular one. As people have flagged he can’t do too many. As he doesn’t get the rules of football, I don’t want to overwhelm him trying to get the rules of other sports too.

I think acceptance is probably key about certain things to do with DH. When someone said you can’t “tell” him to drop DD I get it, but to a point I’m going to have to tell him (/ask) to do stuff as I do all the organising for everything.

I don’t like asking DH to do stuff when I know he really hates it. His says football drags and he just hates doing it. I think to be fair to him he’s not embarrassed by DS lack of ability.

I don’t know what has inspired DH’s new social buzz. He gets his joy/cup filled from the lads, and I love my chats with other people so I get it.

He doesn’t do absolutely nothing, he does a lot do the cooking for starters. But he doesn’t get I guess joy from the kids. I suggested he take them to the cinema & he said no, they’d “probably” wet themselves. They were 4 and 6 at the time, and apart from a very rare accident toliet trained.

I like taking the kids places. I had a great chat with DS about pigs over ice cream yesterday. But it can of course be challenging. After our chats DS started kicking up as he didn’t want to go home. I took DD to an art class on Saturday as he loves art and she got upset/temper tantrum that they didn’t do painting. I find it v difficult to keep my cool in those moments, and DH really struggles too and I think it puts him off taking them out.

Its not about being very good at football, but playing, wanting to play and being involved.

I have boys OP, your husband is a deeply selfish lazy father who doesn't care about his children.

They are being completely let down and theyvwill totally know it now and as they grow.

They see the other interested parents, particularly Dads and they note the absence of theirs for no reason.

His preference is armchair sports, the pub and his friends.

He's a complete loser.
Loads will excuse his shit parenting, MN has only the lowest of bars anyway, but he is not the norm.

Have you family to step in as many boys love to play and practice hitting and kicking with a man.

I couldn't look at such a waster of a father and he would know it.

Yanbu for your concern for your children.

I’d try and work out what’s going on about not understanding the rules as that seems to be where the problem is. With all the sports ours played, we never had to explain rules at all. The coaches did that with the kids at training and expanded as rules got more complicated as they got older. With most sports we had no idea and the kids had to explain the rules to us!

Sports are a great thing to get young boys into because much of the adult male social scene revolves around them. It really can help set them up for life.

My DS is only 4 but so far he’s been taken to football, cricket and horse racing and he loves them all. He then plays football and cricket with DH whenever he can and I take him swimming.

Thankfully neither DH or I are in the slightest bit interested in gaming and have never owned a games console even as kids so hopefully that also follows through to DS.

Sports have provided DH and I with a huge amount of pleasure over the years and I hope DS experiences the same.

Can't you explain the rules to him? Football isn't very complicated

Fair point. I got a book from the library on football so I must sit down with him.

One of the things that strikes me is why can’t you do it, women can do sports too commentary. I’ve no doubt that many women are great at sport football included.

I am not physically able to teach my son sports and I’ve also never really played either football or rugby. I did get a hockey stick out to hit a ball around with him.

But I also don’t see why it’s unreasonable to expect my husband to do it. My son is 7, I read that once boys go beyond 6 a male role model becomes important. If my son didn’t have his father in his life I’d have to mange that and I know lots of women do and raise happy, balanced men.

But my son has his father in his life. I want for him what I see plenty of other boys having, a dad who is interested in him.

I also strongly feel my husband suffered because of his own father’s lack of interest, and while my MIL hasn’t said exactly that in so many words, she has said a fair bit going in that direction.

While I’ve always gotten on fine with my FIL, he’s still as he always was to a large extent. He told me he regretted not being hands on with his oldest GC who is 8 years older than DS. But then he told me he thinks he is much better with DS. DS sees him maybe twice a month at most. Usually we call into him for tea, and FIL will throw kids around, and play with them while we are there. And they love it. But that’s it. We don’t rely on GP for childcare and I don’t expect it. If there was ever an emergency I would never call FIL, it would be MIL every time.

I still think the sports thing isn’t a necessity. What is a necessity is that your husband and your children have a relationship and that he finds something he enjoys doing with them. My husband and I both find football a bit of a chore, but we take him along and stand there and clap sometimes. We find other things we enjoy doing with him.

so no, not a requirement that a father and children (you haven’t mentioned your daughter here but that relationship is super important too) play sports together. Nice if they both want to but not required. But super important for him to be involved in their lives in some way.

I suppose a disagree to a point as I do think the sports thing is necessary. Both you & your husband take DS to football so while you might find it a chore you still do it so presumably you see some value in it?

Fair enough about finding something you enjoy doing. I don’t want the only thing my DH & DS do together to be gaming. It’s screen time, and it’s inactive. DS already refuses to turn off TV when asked.

If my DH was saying look I can’t abide football but I think DS would love scouts and I’ll arrange that & we’ll both take id be ok with that. But that will never be the case.

I haven’t mentioned DD as much as she is pre school so not at the hobbies stage yet. She has mentioned ballet. Same as anything to do with my son I will be the one arranging it.

@the7Vabo I hear you but we really are 0% involved. My husband reads a book, I chat to some of the other parents. We don’t practice with him at all and I barely know the names of the kids on his team. So literally just a lift.

my daughter does ballet - it’s always been dropoff so that doesn’t require anything except a lift. I do all the rest of it though - sorting uniforms and bookings extra classes and reminding her to practice. My husband has zero involvement minus half the driving.

the difference is that they have other things they do together - activities are for them and friends, weekend activities and board games and - yes - some video game time is for family time.

I totally agree with you op. Your DH sounds very lazy...he likes gaming with him because it takes no effort. Sport is really good for kids....and honestly for the parents it can be a big commitment and a lot of time. My ds would do football training twice a week...and matches which were often early in the morning and miles away. It's a sacrifice that many many parents make because they know how important it is for their kids.

YANBU

Sport is not the only way for dads to be involved in their children's lives but it tends to be a practical, accessible way to do it, especially if there are more traditional roles of breadwinner/ carer and a less even distribution of time spent with the children.

It's an easy, quality bonding time opportunity, especially when dads are interested in sport anyway. Adult social time is important but not as a priority over a practical relationship with children.

With his current attitude, there won't be much depth to his relationship with his children as they grow up. They won't be little forever. Even in 10 years as teenagers, parenting will become much more about the quality of the relationship and without an emotional depth and mutual respect, parenting older children will become tough and breed resentment.

If your DH wasn't into sport himself, I'd say YABU, but the fact that he's massively into sport and still won't engage with his own child on any of it is really shitty of him - YANBU at all.

It's not even just about sport, really, it's about parents engaging with their kids and encouraging and supporting them on shared interests. If your husband was a keen cook, but refused ever to cook with your child, I'd be saying the same thing.

Also, saying he won't take your son to football training because it's 'boring' is just rubbish parenting. Most kids' activities are boring. Nobody really enjoys, eg, sitting there for an hour at 8am on a Saturday while their child flaps about learning to doggy-paddle in their swimming lessons, or ferrying them about to Cubs or what-have-you. But that's just parenting, isn't it? Sometimes you have to do tedious things for your kids. Your DH sounds like a lazy twat if he can't be arsed to share that load with you.

'DS already refuses to turn off TV when asked'

Oof. Is your dh at least on the same page with you about that? A coparent who will put up with the whinging when you enforce whatever rule you have agreed for your household? Or a quisling who doesn't tolerate the moaning and stops helping to enforce?

He could introduce him to golf, if he likes playing golf. It doesn’t have to be football.

I'd keep going as you are OP, and perhaps get your DS some extra coaching as well. Your H is not going to step up here unfortunately.

Why can't you take him or can only men do it? Are you being a good woman and teaching your daughter to cook for her man? It's not the 1800's you can take your son yourself?