For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

With sports though, is not more BAU for dads to want to get their sons into what they’re interested in? I didn’t have brothers and my dad wasn’t into sport but whenever I was in friend’s houses the kids would have team posters up etc.

It wasn’t an early night, I was trying to get him to bed on time and couldn’t as DD was screaming & refusing to leave DS room.

It’s also Sunday night, DH was in the pub last night at bed time. For the last year or so he’s been going out more. He’s always had a lot of care close friends and he sees a lot of the ones who live close to us, few times a week.

It is a bit precious but I just wanted to start the week with both of us doing bedtime. It’s just much easier.

@Sunnyatlast25
The op says the only interest he could share is gaming.
Which is shite.

The problem is sports for boys and girls can be really important in the teen years to help steer them away from problem behaviours including gaming which is addictive and obviously provides no physical benefits, it’s so odd that your husband is steering him towards this as such a young age rather than channeling him into a sport which could provide friendships and life skills in his teen years and beyond. He’s doing him a disservice. People with successful teens are those whohave their kids in lots of extracurricular, whether sporting or otherwise. Teens who don’t have something going on in their life have a void to fill. You sound like a lovely mum and he’s letting you and your son down. Could you talk to him about his long term effects of having interests

Teaching or mentoring is not the same as participating or just watching. Teaching involves having a lot of patience as well as skill.

Plus, your husband can't be bothered and would rather play golf. It really sounds like he wants time away from the family and doesn't want your son involved in something he likes like rugby.

Your son is going to have to learn sports from his coaches. It's not that your expectations are unreasonable, but they are when it comes to your husband. He's not that guy.

Maybe you take your son and your husband parents at home with your daughter.

There are a number of issues here. And in your position I’d want more help with bedtimes too.

But I think you are a bit fixated with a particular type of male role model that your husband was never going to fit.

I agree with you that it is really wonderful for kids to grow up feeling like their parents enjoy their company and are invested in them. But football or rugby don’t necessarily need to be part of the picture.

Can't believe all the posts defending the half arsed dad here. Yes OP as a mum could do sports with her son but WHY SHOULD SHE when she's doing plenty else and he's swanning off to the match or the pub with his mates? Doing or even watching sports with his son would be an easy way to make parenting better and combine it with his own interests but he can't be bothered.

I completely see your point op and your son has two parents. This is something your husband could reasonably do and your son would benefit from.

Yep

Do you think he might be embarrassed about having a son that is not naturally sporty? The whole masculine my boy is better than your boy thing? Not that this is an excuse in any way and is incredibly sad

My DS4 doesn't seem to be sporty inclined at the moment. However DH has still taught him how to ride a bike, hitches him on the back of his bike when he goes out with DD and has helped his confidence in the swimming pool. Both myself and DH enjoy watching sports and have our own sports that we enjoy doing. DH absolutely wouldn't be put off trying something new with DS despite his lack of sporting prowess.

Can you do football with him if he likes that?

And why shouldn't she? Sports isn't the sphere of men only for sons.

I feel you. It's really sad. I did what I could sportwise with my son but there's nothing like a parent enjoying and sharing a sport simultaneously with their child, just both showing them how much fun it can be because they like the sport, and also giving the child that sense that they are important enough to share it with them.

Difference in my case is that dh did what he could. He was physically and mentally unwell and couldn't do a lot of sport with ds, though managed to cycle with him, and watched him play cricket. It was frustrating for me playing my shite tennis and learning to bowl with ds so I could be some sort of use at cricket practice, but never being good enough to develop him much. And I obviously did what I could to get him involved with lots of activities, and dh did what he could too, at least he thought about it and researched options. It was dh who spotted that ds might like athletics, which became ds's main sport, and found ds's piano teacher too.

I simply can't understand what your dh is doing. He's throwing away opportunities to be a good dad which aren't even that hard. How difficult is it to take your child to a rugby club FGS? Given that he's not got any of the issues that my dh had that left him unable to leave the house a fair bit? And to carve out time to prioritise him?

My dp has just lost his own dad. He's processing lots of things that make me think some men just fail at meeting children, particularly sons, where they are, accepting them, bringing them along to things they love. It was the same with my brother and my dad. I sometimes think they struggle to be with an individual who isn't at a high enough level for them; as if it reflects badly on them, when if course it's actually the opposite, it reflects badly on them if they can't build links with their own child this way. If he really wants a future relationship with his son that is worth the name, then NOW is the time. I hope you can shout at him loudly enough to break through the carapace of selfishness he's wrapped himself in.

Youre focusing on the sports too much and missing (avoiding) the real issue which is your DH is a shit father. It doesnt have to be sports but he needs to do something with his son, take an interest in his activities even if they are boring. Good parents show up and engage with their children, whether it’s sports or something else.
And no football isn’t some critical boys social skill. My DS and DH have never been into football and do just fine. Stop ignoring the status quo and real issue here.

Think it seems the overall issue here is - OP correct me if I’m wrong -that your DH doesn’t pull his weight overall. So the spots thing is just compounding the sense he’s not doing enough.

DH does a martial art and wouldn't take 8 year old DS as 'he'll just mess about'. 25 years on and DS has an international gold medal, is a senior instructor and is a step above DH.

Keep plugging at it OP.

I assume he has little to do with his daughter either? Does that not bother you? It isn't only boys who benefit from positive male role models, don't forget you're teaching her what to expect in a future partner if she grows up to be heterosexual.

I think they are separate things.

Your dh not kicking a ball around with your dc is neither here nor there.
My dh never did with our dc, but all of them have grown up fine and all of them play in sports teams, as adults. Your dh not playing with them isn't relevant at all.

OTOH, your dh not showing any interest in his dc, and not doing anything to engage them in anything is a completely different issue and a far bigger issue.

So, IMO YABU to think your dh should kick a ball around with your dc because he is male but you don't have to.
BUT
YANBU to think he should
a) want to interact with his dc
b) even if he doesn't particularly want to do a particular activity with them, that he should understand that it is just part of parenting.

Some of it is this.

I’m really not a perfect parent, I cannot stress that enough, but I think about my kids future whereas I don’t think DH thinks about the future full stop.

We are constantly being told that screens are destroying concentration & mental health. I don’t want the only thing my husband & son do together to involve a screen.

We also have a lot of rows about turning TV off with my son, I don’t want another screen to battle about.

I also worry that it will start oh it’s only Minecraft and suddenly it won’t be just Minecraft it will be other stuff.

I accept that I’ll have to give in at some stage, but I’ll hold out as long as I can.

Yanbu op and your oh sounds a bit shit. However, assuming you don't want to LTB, reading 500 posts telling you he's shit isn't going to help.

Practically, in your shoes, I would pick two activities/sports for ds...ask him what he likes. Make the arrangements, sign him up...but make sure that training/matches/meets or whatever are times and days your oh is free.

Then tell your oh, 'Oh, Billy has rugby on Tuesdays at 6 and Basketball on Saturdays at 1. Here are all the details. I think it would be nice for you to take him to these two, make it a father son thing'.

If he agrees and starts going, well...it still would have been nicer if he'd been a bit more proactively interested BUT at least they're going.

If he outright refuses or argues...well you have bigger issues tbph.

I agree with PP, you’re sad your husband isn’t investing time in your son in general. He’s not interested or particularly loving.

The sports thing is a red herring. you have signed your kid up for coaching, if he’s not doing well with the coaching, he might not be a sporty kid naturally (you say you aren’t?)

And also...if he moans about it being boring/raining/early/whatever, tell him to STFU and pull his big boy pants up.

I have 3 ds's. And I have zero interest in sports...any really. I must have spent months of my life on football, rugby and cricket pitches over the years, cheering for teams I don't give a shit about who are playing a sport I couldn't care less about 😂 It's just what you do.

My son is likely never going to be great at football. I’ve no issue with that. I would however like him to get to a level where he can actually play so in years to come if a bunch of teenagers are kicking a ball around he can join in.

I think he could get there with help. His physical ability is ok (whereas mine wasn’t), he’s big for his age & pretty strong, he likes the start of training where they play games. Once they start playing matches he doesn’t know what’s going on.

A lot of dads are very involved. The coaches are all dads. One of the coaches has shown more interest in my son’a football than my DH ever has.

I’d suggest that your DH’s love of sports goes hand in hand with his dislike of hands-on-parenting. I.e. he does/watches sport to avoid having to parent.

You say your FIL openly regrets being a hands-off father, could you ask him to speak to his son and explain what he would have done differently if given the chance, &/or would your FIL play sports with your DS?

It seems like you do the bulk of the parenting and it’s a very small ask for your DH to do this. But from the outside looking in it seems as if your DH just doesn’t give enough of a shit to do this for his son.

I don’t know, you seem convinced it’s your husbands fault your son isn’t good at football. I think your husband has many faults by the sound of it but I actually don’t think it’s fair to blame your husband for this (while not actually kicking a ball around with your son yourself!!).

Your husband could kick a ball with your son and your son could still be bad at football…

I’ve been mulling over the YABU point.

If my husband was a man completely uninterested in sport that would be one thing.

But he is into sport, he is capable of teaching DS skills which I don’t have but DH does, but he’ll dismiss my son as football is not his thing, without once trying to teach him or help him. He has also never spent a second as far as I can tell thinking about what his thing might be.

My son claims to like football, he dresses in all the gear & wants football cards like his friends. Im uncertain what level of understanding he has about how far behind he is.

DS will walk into the room where DH is watching rugby and say “is that our team Dada?”. So he is trying to get involved and not getting much of a response.

I think the only thing I can practically do is book my son into stuff and tell my husband he is taking him.

I’ll have to work more on accepting that my DH won’t ever be proactive about any of it, won’t help my DS with any of it outside of taking him there & back. I feel that is robbing my DS of an experience many kids have with their dads and I’m frustrated about it.

I think DH’s new found increase in social life is pushing me over the edge. He lights up about spending time with the lads. His dad also has tons of male friends and they all also watch rugby and golf together.