For expecting husband to want to do sports with son

[the7Vabo]

Having a moment here.

DH & I have a DS (7) and a younger DD. DS hasn’t shown a major aptitude for sports. However, in 7 years DH has almost never played any kind of game with him. I’d like DS to be able to play football well enough to socialise. I think it’s almost like a social skill for boys. I don’t care if he’s not great, but I’d like to get him to level where he can play.
I take him to community football coached by local dads. They are lovely to him & he quite enjoys it. But he’s increasingly the worst one on the team. My husband says he hates taking him to football, he finds it drags. It’s also 9am Saturdays.

My husband is into almost every other sport, and mainly rugby. He played rugby in school and I’d say he was average enough. He watches it obsessively.

We live beside a rugby club and DH has never shown any interest in taking my son. Never googled it, never asked anyone about it, nada. DS shows an interest in watching rugby and m my husband will vaguely answer his questions but I wouldn’t say he does anything to encourage his interest.

Any match that is in any way significant DH is giggling like a school kids off to watch it with the lads.

Tonight I’m extra annoyed as it’s my son’s second ever sports day tomorrow and DH has gone to play 9 holes. DD is a complete handful and I ended up her screaming while I was trying to get DS into bed at a reasonable time.

DS was upset at his first sports days as he didn’t get a medal. He did fine but being young he wanted a medal. I don’t what him to be upset tomorrow but if he is I’ll manage.

Overall though I’m disappointed for DS. I feel that other dads take so much interest in their sons’ football etc. I feel like my DS will never have the same chance as other kids because he has a lazy, disinterested dad.

The only thing my DH has ever shown any enthusiasm about when it comes to DS is getting him a games console as my DH is into gaming.

My son is a lovely kid. He’s always happy, he loves a chat. I feel he’s thrive with a male role model who cared more than DH does.

Sorry for length.

Any thought welcome.

Thanks for that perspective.

Tackling in football, yes. It’s football how else would you get the ball off the other team? Sorry for dumb question!!

Maybe he'll turn out to have ADHD or maybe he's just a little behind the curve (but within the bounds of normal development) for the focus needed for team games.

I actually think video gaming could be a really good way of helping him develop those skills (moreso than anything his DH and he can do together in the garden).

I'm not sure what games your DH plays with him, but you should consider exploring some co-operative games (where players have to work together to beat the level).

An age-appropriate one that I would reccomend is Overcooked (or its sequel, Overcooked 2). Thematically, its a cooking came (although the kitchens are "zany") and, to be successful, you need to communicate with your co-player(s). Its a lot of fun for all ages (my wife and I have played them together a lot).

Even if you're a non-gamer, it'd be one that you can play and may even enjoy. If your DH has a console, he'll be able to download it (and I expect for less than £20).

I know it probably sounds like a silly idea, and "more video games" probably isn't the solution you were looking for, but the "right" video games can be an excellent way of skill-building.

Thanks for that advice. Appreciate it.

I took my ds to football, swimming and rugby. His Dad was always working when ds was small. As ds got older I just signed him up to after school and community clubs where they taught skills.

@the7Vabo

He isn’t
I think some of the issue is on reflection is no one has explained the basics.
But also he stops concentrating once they start playing a match or similar. He jigs up and down the sidelines, he pulls the bib over his head. A lot of the time he literally runs rings around the players, like literally he runs around them in a circle. Lately he has progressed to chasing the ball a lot so he sees the ball at runs at it. He doesn’t ever touch it though!
I can see he gets the idea of a tackle as he sort of does the body language of a tackle in front of kids but doesn’t ever tackle anyone.

Honestly by that age he shouldn’t really be running around players & disrupting the game. I think he might be better off doing something else for the moment. Does DH show any signs of ADHD? I don’t think the issue is DH not putting the effort in with footie, just that DS might not be suited? Have you tried scouts?

I do think the fact DH wasn’t mad on having children & had a distant father could be the reason he’s not engaging tbh.

You need to try another football club. It sounds like the new club set up by dads has absolutely no affiliation with the FA, and they haven't a clue about child development or what is normal at this age. At this point it should be 2x20 minutes matches on a small pitch, and about having fun, making friends, learning about winning and losing. Certainly no 2x45 minute matches - I hope it's not on a full size pitch!!

Also I think there is still a tackling ban for U13s for their safety - much like there is no tackling in kids rugby until a certain age. The mind boggles at these dads 🤨

Have a look here:
https://www.englandfootball.com/play/youth-football/Youth-Club-Football/U7-U8

Your DH is an absent prick dad, but take some responsibility in finding your DS a decent, appropriate club.

My goodness, I'd missed that they're already playing full matches!! Is that right, OP? 90 mins and on a full pitch? If so, the other dads are clueless...

I also thought teaching "side on" tackling seemed a little advanced for 7 year olds. I dont think there is a set, national rule for introducing tackling, though (some leagues do delay full-contact until they are teenagers, although I dont think thats common).

While the players should be in possession i.e. close to the ball, inevitably at this age they will lose it or be unable to shield it. So you block their play, press them, delay them. I played a lot of casual football (village green etc) age 6-12 and we never did tackling, and still managed to get the ball of each other. Injury and fouls should be avoided at this age.

Hearing you describe your son’s behaviour on the football field reminded me of a memory I had of mine skipping happily down the pitch during a match. He ended up being quite a good player, just needed a few years to mature.
I agree with some of the other posters, there may be more suitable age appropriate clubs for your boy.

Don’t understand what the question is then? I thought it was how can I get him playing football?

The OP outlined the issue in her opening post, did you read it?

I love my DH dearly but as far as his DC were concerned he was very unsupportive but he worked hard to give us a reasonable lifestyle including working on a Saturday when most of my kids events were on. So I spent many an hour at the side of the pitch or on the park playing, whether this was football or rugby, cheering them on.
However, now we have DGC he is a hands on DGP. He’ll play football with them (he hates football), will play cricket and catch. He will cheer his DGC on whatever they are doing. My DC look on envious and will give me a hug to thank me for being there for them.

You're not being unreasonable, but I think you're focusing on a "symptom" rather than the "illness."

It's unusual for a parent to still refuse to share a hobby with a child when they share a major interest. Your husband genuinely seems uninterested in his son. Treating the sports issue without treating your husband's apathy towards his own child is like treating the sore throat but not taking antibiotics when you have strep throat, it will feel a bit better short term but it's not going to end well.

Short term solution for your son: as someone raising a 9 year old son by myself (43F) and being disabled/recovering from cancer, I can't do a whole lot physically, but I watch sports with him, take him to sporting events myself, find coaches and programs in the community to train him and take him, make sure he has the equipment he needs in our home, and I encourage him. You can do all this too. The important thing is that he has a supportive parent, it doesn't have to be the parent with outdoor plumbing.

For the long term, you should get into family counselling. If your husband doesn't want to go, you go. Personally, I wouldn't want to continue a marriage long term with someone so apathetic towards the children we made together, but that's just my opinion.

I am glad no-one ever judged me for not doing sports with my children!

Does your son want his dad to play football with him? Has he volunteered that wish?

Parents offer different things to the children. THat's fine. There is also something really old-fashioned about this, assuming that a dad should play sport with their son.

As I have explained at length my husband is very into sport.

As for old fashioned, I have been taking my son to various sports for years. He plays in a mixed football club, I have seen 3 girls there in the 2 years my son has been playing. I also live opposite a green, constant football, 100% boys without exception.

My friend’s 12 year old girl plays football and they have to drive her a fair distance to play football given the lack of girls’ teams at that age.

So 1) my husband is into sports, mainly sports that are traditionally and still played mainly by men, 2) those sports are still played mainly by boys.

Im all for equality but Im sick to my back teeth or being told that despite what is in front of my nose every single day, it’s “old fashioned” to expect a man who is into sports to extend that to his son.

And yes my son has expressed an interest in watching sports with his dad, and said he wanted his dad at his sports day.

The issue isn’t football, it’s your disinterested husband. I’m sure it’d be the exact same if your husband and your son both liked collecting stamps - your husband wouldn’t be interested in sharing that with him either cos he’s clearly just a disinterested dad. I’d stop focusing on the football specifically and start focusing on why your husband is disinterested in your kids. Maybe start by telling him it makes both you and your son feel shitty and to do something about it