DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

I think I agree with your dp.

One night stand or not, he has a child with her. They need to communicate. Maybe she’s struggling?

You? You do nothing.

He's right, just ignore it. What else can you do? What do you want him to do?

You do nothing. This isn’t your circus and these aren’t your monkeys.

DP is right to ignore it. She’s probably lonely and looking for someone to share the hard times of parenting with and it’s clearly not ideal that DP is a co parent rather than her live in partner but she’s not crossing any boundaries in your relationship or doing anything wrong here. DP just needs to keep upholding his boundaries and deal with it when a situation arises.

This indeed. Woman obviously is lonely and wanted to build a relationship. Cut her some slack OP. Very difficult for her.
The consequences of a child from a one night stand are life changing and the priority needs to be the child

If he’s having her 50%+ of the the time he doesn’t need to be paying child support.

your dp is right though ignoring is the best approach

Some men are decent and want to provide more than the bare minimum.

Harsh

But her loneliness is not my DP’s problem, as harsh as that sounds. He didn’t want to be emotionally involved with her and made that clear. She has a DP, that’s who she should be getting support from,

It becomes our problem when his phone rings at 1am.

He is communicative about his daughter but I think it’s bizarre she has to have a response by certain time or she rings his sister? Like why doesn’t she just wait?

He pays CMS as he is quite a high earner and she is not, and wanted to do the right thing. I think it’s good he pays it.

Didn't you post this same thing recently?

is the mum not decent for not wanting to provide the bare minimum then? She’s having her child less than 50% of the time and accepting money on top of that.

I’d accept whatever my child’s father wanted to give for his child.

Bloody hell, that is harsh and insensitive.
Woman grew and bore your partner's child which comes with an ocean of emotion

When you have a child with someone, in a way you become like family. Her wellbeing will always be important to your DP, because his daughter's well being hinges on it. And vice versa.

When you have a child with someone, you are part of each other's lives for good, whether that is for better or worse. Your dp was 50% responsible for the creation of his child and having done that it will never be as simple as saying it's not his problem, yes she sounds difficult but equally that's his child's mother you're talking about.

Your dp sounds like he has a good read on the situation and is doing the right things, you need to stop trying to change that and decide for yourself whether you want to stay with him or not.

Follow your dps lead it’s his co parent the mother of his child even if it was a ons.

It’s nice that he actually cares about her as his co parent unlike a lot. A working co parent relationship is good for the child.

Either accept how he and she co parent or leave. He has a young child life is never going to be roses and unicorns in a step family.

It’s likely that shared care is officialy recorded as 50/50 in which case OPs DH does have to pay CSM.

Depending on how high of an earner he is there can be ordered maintenance even in 50/50 so the difference in lifestyle for the child isn’t too different.

Only two years of dating and being enmeshed with these people's kid and texting arrangements doesn't sound fun.

Does this man enhance your life enough to be worth it? If he does, you don't need to do anything, he can sort co-parenting.

Agree just ignore it, though I know it’s difficult. When my DSS lived with his mum we did agree that if she called after 10pm he would message and ask if DSS is alright and if he is then he would call tomorrow. As she often did the same thing and called very late but DSS was in bed, but of course my DH wanted to know he was okay. Same for your partner, he can’t just ignore late calls in case there is a genuine issue.

I would agree that you should think hard if you can and indeed want, to handle this. I love my DSS, he lives with us and has done for years, but his mum has created so many issues over the years that I doubt I would put myself through it again with hindsight.

I think you really need to leave this to DP to deal with. It’s annoying but try not to let it in too much.

It’s up to your partner how he deals with it and I think he’s dealing with it quite well. But if it’s too much for you, you should probably just end it now. And that would be perfectly understandable.

Personally I wouldn’t get with a man who has a child for this reason. Being involved with someone has kids with a previous partner is not for everyone, as the risk of this kind of thing happening comes with the territory.

Your words you have some issues with her.
Well don't just bloody well be happy and stop looking for problems.
It might end up with dp not seeing her at all if you interfere.