DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

I don’t feel it’s harsh. She is a DP for emotional support, my DP has never been in a relationship with her, so it seems odd that she is trying to get emotional support from him. My DP supports her when she needs a break, takes on extra days with DSD (which is no issue whatsoever), but I don’t think late night calls at 1am come with the parcel of co-parenting, nor does trying to get support because her DP is having an affair. Their daughter is 4 years old, I’d understand much more if their daughter was a baby.

As my DP agrees, she is pushing boundaries and I don’t think it’s fair for her to interrupt our evenings for non-emergencies or non-urgent related things. Of course if DSD wanted to chat to DP or was upset he wasn’t there I would understand more.

You keep saying you think it’s “odd” or “bizarre” how she behaves. It’s fine for you to think that. You can think what you want. But you absolutely should not intervene in any way,

Cant he just put his phone on silent at night? A total non issue surely.

So what if she makes small talk with him at the door? So what if she tells him about her husbands affair? I’m not seeing how any of this really affects you in any way.

It’ll only get worse. You’re probably better off finding someone without a child. It only gets more complicated as the child gets older and if you want your own child.

He should be arranging formally in court order for 50% custody, as at the moment, this woman could keep his daughter away from him in spite. Otherwise at present she thinks he's "helping her out". He needs to take control of the situation.

Your DP is handling it fine - if her ringing unnecessarily at silly o'clock is waking you up of course you can complain - but otherwise keep schtum. NOYB.

This is bad advice. They have an amicable co-parenting relationship. Involving courts when it’s not absolutely necessary would almost certainly mess that up and make everyone’s lives harder, including OP’s

I agree with your DP.
Ignore her.

It’s not insensitive.

It was merely a one night stand.
He has a duty of care to his child but that’s it.
That she “grew his child” is irrelevant as he did not ask her to do that.

Not your problem. However your bloke decides to handle it is his decision, not yours.

Yes they need to communicate but they are not in a relationship so there has to be boundaries.

She has her own partner for emotional support, her relationship with OPs DP is about the child not her other problems and from the look of things OP and her DP already provide support for the child even beyond 50:50, she does not get to call at ungodly hours and demand responses to her messages within 10 minutes when it's not an emergency.

It's not OPs DPs problem if she thinks her current DP is cheating or not and it's better to set boundaries now, and ignoring it will just encourage her to continue. It's a very simple conversation around how DP is there to help with the child if she needs it and even more then 50:50 if she is struggling but DP has his own life and relationship and is not at her neck and call, she cannot be calling him at u godly hours unless there is a true emergency, and she should not be chasing a response to texts that can wait within 10 mins, he will respond when he can unless it's a true emergency. DP should not and will not get involved in anything to do with her current DP/relationship.

DP is increasingly frustrated by the situation, it’s not that I am demanding he doesn’t speak to her or that I’m the only one who think it’s odd. He has told her that he prefers she messages him for non urgent stuff, but she still calls. She called yesterday five times from 6pm - 11pm because she “needed” to where we were going on holiday. DSD is staying with DPs mum for 4 days because we’re going to a wedding. This was all agreed in January. Now she is demanding to know where we’re going, it just feels so encroaching.

Another time, we were having a day together after having DSD for 2 weeks and having lunch at a nice cafe. She rang repeatedly until he answered, and then said you need to answer when I call. He asked what was up and she said she was just calling to say that the school are doing a summer fayre and it would be nice if they went. Yes, it would be nice but can’t it wait until drop off to discuss?

Their one night stand was 5 years ago, the child is now 4 and she has her own current relationship so it's not OPs DP's responsibility to stop her being lonely or deal with the fact that she thinks her current DP is cheating.

Not saying anything will just lead to frustration and resentment in OPs relationship because I can assure you her DP will be frustrated and so will OP and it will affect their relationship.

Saying something doesn't mean he has to be mean or disrespectful but he needs to have the firm conversation about boundaries and that the basis of their relationship is the child not her other relationship issues and he needs to enforce the boundaries.

That's unacceptable and absolute rubbish and if he doesn't nip it in the bud she will continue to push and push and you will find yourselves dancing to her tune to your detriment.

You can't control someone else's behaviour here. I think all you can do is respect your DP's position on it, which sounds reasonable, given the context of wanting to maintain an amicable ongoing co-parenting relationship of a child who is still very young, so there's a long road to go.

And respectfully, this woman isn't going anywhere. If her irritating pattern of communication is bothering you to this extent, I think you should consider ending your relationship. It's literally the only thing you can do to ensure she's no longer 'encroaching'. If your relationship is otherwise happy, I'd work on changing my attitude to her contact patterns, though. The only behaviour you can control here is your own, whether that's changing your mindset or ending things.

Nothing to do with you-sorry.

I’m not going to end a relationship because DSDs mum can’t maintain boundaries.

It's not her boundaries that are the problem - you can't control other people's boundaries; they're something we set to determine what we will accept or tolerate. The only boundaries your DP can control or manage are his own.

Has his phone rung at 1am more than once? If so, why has he not put his phone on silent? If she has the DD, then he has to communicate to his exP that unfortunately he won't be contactable in an emergency whilst she continues to attempt to contact him at times that he deems (and communicates) to be unacceptable. Similarly, if she keeps him talking on the doorstep then the solution is for him to say "nice to catch up about DD, but I don't have time to chat more. See you next week". She keeps ringing on a day out, he text her to say he's blocking her number today and h will of course be in touch if there is an emergency or if DD wants to talk to her mum.

It has everything to do with her if it is affecting her relationship and she also helps to look after DSD.

This weird narrative on Mumsnet that a step parent has nothing to do with the stepchild etc doesn't exist in real life, decisions affecting the stepchild also affect the step parent so she has a say.

Yes they final decision may lie with her DH but she has a say and any man or woman who loves and respects his/her DP also needs to take into consideration how this situation will affect his current DP not play the "it has nothing to do with you" card which is just a cop out to avoid dealing with the issue appropriately.

He obviously didn't mind if she grew him a child or he wouldn't have had unprotected sex with a stranger.

He needs to be he one to enforce boundaries

phone off after X o’clock and don’t answer it , be clear what an emergency is ie ambulance or police involvement trip to A and E ( hopefully she won’t fake these)

make sure he is on school mailing list and WhatsApp group so he knows what’s going on and doesn’t need her to fill him in about school fayre etc

can you do pick up and drop off / answer the door and ask her to email him any info to reduce unnecessary chit chat ?

Sometimes MM posters are bonkers.
What she is doing it's not OK. You'd wonder what her partner makes of it. I don't know how to advise you OP, but YANBU.

she Obviously didn’t mind if she grew him a child or she wouldn’t have had unprotected sex with a stranger

WTH has that got to do with anything? He has accepted his responsibility for the child, pays CMS and does more than 50:50 care so what are you on about????

Their relationship is solely based on the child and the woman already has another relationship so no he is not her emotional support and it is not his problem if she thinks her current DP is cheating

Obviously he can support eg if she says I am struggling and need time can you take DD so I can get some me time yes, but she doesn't get to unburden her emotional and relationship issues on his and call at ungodly hours with no respect for his his own current relationship.

OP has only been dating her boyfriend for 2 years, the relationship should be fun and easy.

She doesn't need to get involved with the two parents chats and communications, it wouldn't benefit her in any way.
Obviously the man should put his phone on silent or do not disturb if he can't stop the kids mother calling in the middle of the night.