DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

Hi OP,
You won't get any good advice from people on the AIBU thread, could you ask for it to be moved to the step-parenting thread?
I was in your position, DP was at wits end as well with it all. I know it's hard and currently won't seem like it, but DP has to continue with what he is doing in terms of ignoring calls that aren't emergencies and eventually it will stop. He can respond to texts that are reasonable in terms of their joint child, but when it is convenient for him. I also suggest going to mediation to get something drawn up in terms of custody arrangements & communication, i.e. my DP & his ex only communicate via email now and this has helped loads. I would also politely ask DP to not share every time she tries to contact him, as it will only wind you up and he doesn't need to burden you with that.
Good luck x

Ignoring her is not the best approach because it will continue to fester and get worse, addressing it like matured adults is the right way to go.

He needs to speak to her to let her know his boundaries and that whilst he is available to support her as it comes to DD he is not her emotional support for her relationships and she does not get to dictate how quick he responds to texts or call him at ungodly hours when there isn't an emergency

I agree with others.

you do nothing other than support DPs decision.

He could always speak to her mum and say if she’s struggling they can revisit the schedule and do 70/30 with you or whatever. But it’s between them.

sorry but that's your choice, to be with someone who already has a child.

Why does she feel the need to stick her oar into our business? because she's a pain in the arse possibly, but as she is the mother of his child, you cannot get rid of her. She will always be in your lives, and there's nothing you can do = your partner is not pandering to her, he's dealing with it. You can't blame him!

That’s why I think the behaviour is over familiar and needy. yes, so?
Are you feeling jealous or threatened by this woman?

Yes, she might be too much, but again.. she's the mother of his child. She's in his life now. It's not an annoying colleague or even an ex-girl friend that you can delete form your life.

https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

lol at everyone one here saying it’s nothing to do with you etc. I guarantee if it was happening to them, THEY would be FUMING!!!
it’s odd behaviour. Sounds like she needs to get over him and stop hassling him! He was never even with her and owes her feelings zilch.
let’s put it another way. She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!!

The only thing I would say is your four years in, You’ve only actually got eight years to go before you will not have to have any kind of communication with this woman whatsoever. By the time the child gets to 12 you can pretty much cut her off completely.
And then you’re on the home stretch
So in the grand scheme of a 40 to 50 year relationship this is an extremely short period of time to greet your teeth and get on with it

Jesus “she is the mother if his child” does a shit ton of heavy lifting for some of these posters.

All that aside, OP, just realize that you have to be pragmatic about the situation. Your DP is in iver his head. He didn’t really know her before she got pregnant and he doesnt have a very good theory of mind for her now. So he is not making good decisions and holding good boundaries with her because he doesn’t understand the kind of person she is.

Per your report she is erratic, needy, sentimental, manipulative, encroaching, etc…she acts like a former wife or a third in your relationship because she is delusional about the significance of getting pregnant on a ONS. She did not form any emotional bond with your DP and she does not have the right to extend control or observation or comment into his life, his relationship with you, or your marriage and children. She is massively overstepping normal and polite boundaries.

Sit down with your dh and be direct with him. “She acts like your ex wife and her continued calls and queries about me (am I in the house, am I going on holiday, etc…) make me feel upset. She is intrusive and she uses the phone like a leash. You may not be fully aware of it but it jerks you out of our family experience and lets her act like an intimate with us. How can we put down more successful boundaries? She is ruining what would otherwise be a good relationship.”

As for his “just ignore it” plan he is just doing it wrong. He is not firm enough. He is giving her intermittent reinforcement. He should decide that its texts for emergencies in the form

State the emergency snd the solution in the same text.

Viz:

Child in hospital need phone support.
Down sick need early child pickup.
Late to drop off need confirmation that you eill still be there.

No phone calls at all are needed. Reduce this spontaneous contact because she has proven she can’t handle it responsibly.

OP, I’d think carefully about marriage and kids,until you’re happier with the way things are. And if they don’t improve perhaps consider walking away if it bothers you that much.

There was a woman on here a while back who said her partner of a year used to have his teen every weekend. But suddenly the child’s mother was sending the child to his full time as she was developing behavioural issues.

The woman was aghast as they were just about to rent or buy a flat together. I understood her dismay, but I think people need to understand situations can change all the time with custody and in your case, co-parenting relationships.

His ex sounds a bit emotionally/mentally on the edge. It could get worse. And it’s not fair for the child if you and his ex end up at loggerheads.

These are all the risks of getting with someone who has kids.

So she should be a decent mother and pay him the same then.

they might be fuming, but what's your solution?

Telling her to fuck off and for the father to disappear and never see his own child again?

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!! and he shouldn't have unprotected sex with HER if he didn't want to be a single dad co-parenting with the mother of HIS child.

YANBU but it sounds like she may be struggling to cope. I know it doesn't have to concern him but has he asked her? His daughter is with her the rest of the week, so in my view, he should have some interest in what's going on. Doesn't mean it's his responsibility to fix it, but if she was doing well I think it's unlikely she'd be ringing at midnight.

Yep, nail on the head.

Some women think they're entitled to attach themselves to a man forever because they chose to carry a child to full term. Then can't believe the audacity that the man will look after the child but not them.

My friend's sister literally had her baby to try and keep the guy attached to her, and spends all her time hanging round, inventing reasons to call with the bullshit justification "but I'm the mother of his child" when the child's got nothing to do with whatever she's after. She's single and furious that he's happily with someone else, in her mind, she had the prodigal first born, so she's entitled to him as a partner for the rest of her life. She's always banging on about him as her ex, when he wasn't ever with her.

Back in the real world, like OPs case, she's a one night stand, he said he didn't want the baby, she decided she was having it regardless, and now can't compute that he's got no obligation to her at all. He's a great dad too. His girlfriend is a saint to put up with the shite this woman creates.

She does refer to him as her ex. She put on the school forms “DP’s name - DSD father and ex partner”. Bizarre.

She even tried to tag him in photos on Facebook before he removed her saying “my little family” with pictures DP was unaware of. His mum has asked her not to do that, as it is confusing for DSD.

Having a child with someone does create a bond with them, but that bond is for the child. Not for her to think she can influence if we have kids, where we go on holiday or whether she speaks to him when I’m at my house.

As I said, she is rarely with mum for her half of the week. She is not struggling, she is living the life she wants to, rearranging contact days so she can go away or to concerts. Which is fine, DP wants DSD here. When DSD was born she took him to court for full custody (as he didn’t want a relationship) and it got set at 50/50.

Everyone in that situation realises what they shouldn’t shouldn’t have done after the event.
But I don’t think it’s on reasonable to expect any logical same person who gets pregnant on a one night stand to just deal with it as opposed to cause 18 years of Mayhem for everyone involved.
I fully support her body her choice, But then her consequences as well.

*sane person

She cannot control him having more kids. He needs to tell her that none of her business.

He's best continuing to ignore her calls. If it's urgent, she'll text.

If she tells him to reply immediately. He needs to let her know that's not always possible.

A suggestion of that if she calls, he declines the call and texts her saying " can't answer now, please text if urgent"

If she doesn't text.. then it's not urgent. Further calls can be ignored. Send the calls to voicemail. She'll soon get the drill.

The money is for the child.

No one (including the OP) has said the father should disappear and never see her again, I have no idea how you got that or that she should fuck off.

The father is very involved in his daughter's life, has her 50:50 and pays CMS which he technically shouldn't given he has the child 50%, and on top of all that they end up having the girl even more than 50% when the mother needs help.

The issue here is OPs DP is NOT in a relationship with the mother of his child, it was a one night stand that resulted in a child and he stood up and took responsibility which is great. She has to respect that their relationship is solely about be child simple. The one night stand was 5 years ago, the child is now 4 and the woman is already in another relationship same as DP so the only thing that ties them together is the child.

What people are asking for is boundaries, she does not get to harass DP, send text messages that are not urgent then start chasing and calling demanding that he must respond quickly, calling at midnight for non issues that are not emergencies, suggesting to DP and OP that they shouldn't have children because her daughter likes being a single child, trying to entangle DP I to her relationship issues because she thinks her current partner is cheating etc.

No one at all and said DP should abandon his daughter but you, maybe you're projecting or something but I have absolutely no idea where you got that from.

She needs to respect the fact the DP is in a relationship with OP and their only connection is looking after the child that's it, and if she continues to push boundaries then they can make things official in court, put restrictions in place so any communication is only via email like people do when ex spouses can't stand each other. She has it good now and is being very ridiculous by disrespecting DP's boundaries and relationship.

They are NOT in a relationship, they were NEVER in a relationship and yes there should be mutual respect between them for the sake of the child but she needs to respect their boundaries, yes if there is something urgent then yes call for immediate response but not mundane texts then badgering him for a quick response or calling at midnight.

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with HIM if she didn’t want to be a single mother!! and he shouldn't have unprotected sex with HER if he didn't want to be a single dad co-parenting with the mother of HIS child.

The bolded above was a direct response to post below but you've deliberately taken it out of context without the post OP responded to by trying to act like she is blaming the woman for having unprotected sex with a one night stand, she wasn't, both her DP and the woman were responsible and DP has stood up to his responsibility to be a father to the child.

"He obviously didn't mind if she grew him a child or he wouldn't have had unprotected sex with a stranger."

She is not entitled to a relationship with DP, he is not even her ex, and she comes across as needy and obsessed with him. He has no business with what is going on in her relationship.

Read all her posts, it is bothering girl and affecting their relationship.

It's funny you claim OP is needy but a woman chasing after a man she has a one night stand with 5 years ago is not needy? She has a relationship and should have moved on except the child they have together but she is constantly chasing him for non urgent issues, calling at midnight, suggesting that they don't have a child so her daughter can be an only child, trying to pull DP into her relationship woes but OP is the needy one????

@pikkumyy77, you clearly have boundary issues as what you are advising here is controlling behaviour.

The DP gets to decide how he would like to deal with the mother of his child. If the DP decides to ignore this behaviour, this is his decision.

@surethingmaybe the fact he’s paying CMS as opposed to having paid for his child from the word go with no prompting by a government body, suggests to me your DP isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.

Parenting is hard and emotional support is often needed, for instance when she can’t settle their four year old. She’s his child too.

@Yuapp I’m forever getting confused by acronyms - If someone states they’re paying CMS does that automatically mean they are referring to the type organised by a government body? I assumed this was an informal arrangement of child maintenance and he was paying over and above as op had stated he was a high earner.