DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

Thank you for posting this.
Some people will not accept that the ultimate responsability lies with the woman.

Of ffs: the man in this story has accepted full responsibility for the child. He just doesn’t want to accept responsibility for the ex. What others would do is of no relevance here.

Obviously. They’re both a pair of fucking idiots, but one of them is suffering the consequences and one of them isn’t and that is entirely in the hands of the women in question

I think from what you have said, she has high-level anxiety, overthinks, overshares in her personal life, sees him as her only support, and is anxious about losing that. She isn't interfering in your relationship, so until that is the case, just let it be. If you can't handle an overanxious mother to your partner's child, then maybe rethink your relationship. She will calm down eventually. Keep appearing strong as a couple and go to the door with him at handover, just to see if it lasts as long with you there. Get a feel for her personality and ask her to respect some boundaries, unless it's life or death, do not call after 9 p.m., or whichever your preference.

Whether they had a relationship or not is nothing to do with co parenting. It's good they don't have any emotional entanglement. They share the care of a child, and he is in a relationship with you romantically.

No surprise but I don't agree.
The mother sends a text, then bombards with calls?
Sounds more like a stalker than a co-parent.

It really isn’t.

Yeah but that's really relevant.

It's not like a twenty year marriage where two people have spent decades coexisting, depending on each other, growing and building with each other.... Then suddenly that stops, and one person can't adjust.

This woman is trying to attach herself to a stranger she had a one night stand with, and create a dynamic between them that didn't exist before, and has nothing to do with co parenting the child that was born from the one night stand.

He’s not a stranger. He’s the father of her 4 year old.

Who's a stranger...

Is this really such a struggle for you to get?

Yep I don’t get what your point is at all, I think it’s batshit in fact, because he’s not a stranger, he’s the father of her 4 year old. They are bound together by the most fundamental of connections, interests, experiences in common- parenting their dependent child. Indeed in order to do this well they need to cooperate in significant ways. It’s patently absurd (dehumanising, objectifying and false) to suggest she is crazy or deranged for recognising she has an attachment to her coparent.

I have 4 children with my ex who i lived with for 14 years.
He is a stranger 10 years after we split, we know nothing about each other anymore and nor do we want to.

A Bond over a shag turned into a 4 year old is ridiculous suggestion.

There’s another thread running where the man is over stepping the mark post split with a child and everyone is rightly telling to tell him where to go

How old are your children 10 years after you split?

Are people calling him deranged and a woman-trap/ scammer because he was only a ONS?

One of them in their teens, early teens.
To a degree, I accept that the age is matter but the point stands.
I had 14 years to get to know that he is a deeply unpleasant person that nobody should be around on a regular basis.

This lady had one night to make a decision that she wants to be tethered to him for 18 years. I mean it’s just ludicrous when you say it out loud. Nobody knows what kind of person this man is

This lady had one night to make a decision that she wants to be tethered to him for 18 years. I mean it’s just ludicrous when you say it out loud. Nobody knows what kind of person this man is

What are you saying here? It was ludicrous for her not to get an abortion?

Is it something that you would do ?

You have a one night stand with anybody You could literally be creating 50% of Ted Bundy to come and live in your house with you.
People really ought to be more circumspect to they breed with

The only attachment is the child. Anything else about him and his life is none of her business. She doesn't need to speak to him about her relationship, she doesn't need to call him unless it's an emergency with the child. It's none of her business when or where he's on holiday unless it affects his time with the daughter. Maybe if he actually ignored her she'd get the message.

These are false , objectifying and dehumanising distinctions. Parents are human beings.
Like all human relationships, of course, there are boundaries that need to be respected - like don’t call in the middle of the night , or repeatedly call - and it’s not ok for her to cross these, but it’s totally unfair to use sexual / romantic history to diminish her relevance as the mother of this child and as a co-parent. They have a relationship, it’s important, and it’s not founded on romance or sex.

They have a relationship but its one of fiduciary duty to the child. If he’s no good, ir she is no good (abusive, violent, drug addicted) they each have a higher duty to report and take full control of the child than absolute strangers. But that is a duty to the child, impised on them by biology and kaw, not a duty to each other.

At any rate the instant question is how should the man and his new family deal with an intrusive and inappropriate ex—to grant her the term—? Why are you unable to grasp that this is the issue? Instead you are substitute fighting with posters—sealioning really—and substituting your own fantasy issue for the real one.

I'm not using sexual or romantic history, it doesn't matter how long they've been together his life now is nothing to do with her. I'm so glad DH just used to ignore his ex when she called him, it made life so much easier for all of us as everyone knew where they stood.

ETA their kids were adults which meant there was no need for her to call him at all so I appreciate so I appreciate it's different circumstances. However OP's DP will only get through to this woman by having minimum contact. I would say that whether she was a ONS or a longer term partner.

his life now is nothing to do with her

Yeh we’re just going to have to completely disagree. Just a totally different set of values.

Instead you are substitute fighting with posters—sealioning really—and substituting your own fantasy issue for the real one

I don’t know why it’s so impossible for people to accept that others have a very different opinion/ perspective to them without resorting to this kind of personal attack.

I guess it’s an aversion to having one’s assumptions/ prejudices challenged? 🤷🏼‍♀️

He was a stranger. In many ways he is a stranger. What does she really know about apart from him being that father of her child.

There has never been any meaningful relationship between the two of them. They simply co-parent a child.

Wrong.