DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

It’s odd and annoying but I think he is right to ignore her, if he says something it could cause further problems and her behaviour could become worse. It does sound like she still wants to be in a relationship with him.

Except I don't think anyone's said that, only that the OP can't control how anyone else behaves, however unreasonable that behaviour might be, only her own responses to the behaviour.

Tbh, she sounds incredibly fragile to me, and if my child was spending 50% of her time with a parent who appeared not to be coping, if she were phoning me at midnight because she couldn't get our child to sleep, or trying to confide in my on the doorstep about her boyfriend's infidlelity, I'd probably want to keep the channels of communication open and take calls even at inconvenient time. I imagine there's a lurking fear he can't even articulate to himself that at some point she'll be calling to say she's parked on the edge of the river with the four year old in the car and can't take it any longer.

You are not being harsh. Her relationships with other men is not your DPs responsibility to help with.

However, he is right you are best off keeping out as much as you can. You have no ability to influence the situation and it will wear you down. He should probably seek advice on the best way to manage the interactions.

It’s quite funny the change in a BM behaviour when a new girlfriend arrives in the picture. It’s almost textbook.

Either that or she didn’t need to have boundaries prior to your existence because your DP didn’t need her to.

Just stay out of it OP. It's up to your DP to set boundaries and stick to them. His child's mother's behaviour is his problem to deal with. If he chooses to ignore it, that's up to him. Let him get on with it.

I don’t think it’s reasonable of him to say “don’t phone me unless it’s an emergency” though.

Why not? Surely if it's not urgent she can text. She doesn't need to speak to him unless it's about something urgent.

You know CMS is the minimum suggested to support a child?
It is not good that he pays CMS, it's the absolute minimum.

Or maybe she enjoys pulling the strings! The OP's partner needs to fix the time the child's with him and not respond to her demands to change the time to suit her for no reason.

Is it odd that she’s struggling with a young child and looking for help from the person she had the child with? No. I’m sure you and do tag team, she doesn’t have that, the person she can talk to about her child isn’t there. I don’t agree with her looking for her help from him all the time but I definitely don’t think it’s strange

Thats Not being decent. That’s being taken for a mug

Oh yes, because there is no middle ground between 'cutting her off completely' and 'calling him many times in the middle of the night' !

How he treats her, is how he'll treat you.

You thinks it's good he pays, ffs would ya give over.

He needs to stop answering his phone, he's just feeding her need. Turn it off, don't respond to calls. They weren't in a relationship so this feels very inappropriate.

The child's mum's current emotional needs are nothing to do with OP or her DH. This woman needs to observe decent sensible boundaries, and ringing in the middle of the night crosses a boundary. Neither should she be engaging him with her current problems with her partner. It is literally nothing to do with him. DH is right up to a point to ignore it but it seems to have got to a stage where he needs to assert boundaries. So he should tell her not to ring except in certain time periods and only if absolutely necessary, and not to expect instant responses. He shouldn't stand chatting to her on the doorstep either. She is assuming too much relationship, and it will go wrong unless he enforces some distance.

I couldn't ignore someone ringing at 1am, or ringing at all if she has been told not to.
Your DH will need to take a firmer line with her, OP.

But the OP can't enforce any of that. She can't police either this woman's boundaries or her boyfriend's decision as to how to deal with them.

I don’t want him to cut her off. How ridiculous to suggest that, I have a DSD that needs to be prioritised and that’s what me and my DP do. I will cancel anything last minute to help with DSD and fully understand that our plans do change if DSD needs to stay at her home with us. I care very much for DSD, and she is always welcome to have time with DP, both of us etc.

I don’t want her to have unrestricted access to our lives and make me feel like I am not included in DPs life. She can’t call whenever she wants and ask if I am in my home. Of course I am there. She can’t ask where we’re going on holiday or who with, when their childcare of DSD has been agreed (well she can, but not after repeated calls interrupting our day).

DP ignores the calls as he believes this will stop the behaviour but it hasn’t. DP gets annoyed “oh she’s calling again”, “leave me alone” - talks about it with his friends, our friends and his mum. It’s disruptive and it’s just carrying on and I have to deal with the fall out of him saying stuff like “I wish she’d just fuck off”

The OP's partner has a type - women who don't have boundaries.

But OP is no. 1 in his life apart from his DD. The DD's mum was a one-night stand and he made it clear from the start that there would be no relationship. I think he has made a bit of a mistake in engaging too readily, and needs to lay down set times etc. for any communications. in OP's shoes I would be well hacked off at her ringing five times in one evening and demanding to know where they are going on holiday (without Dsd). That is completely unreasonable, and her DP needs to deal with it. If he doesn't OP can tell her that their holiday is none of her business.

Why don’t I have boundaries?

She is the mother of your DP's child. Your DP understands that how he deals with this situation could affect his future relationship with his DD.

Your DP thinks ignoring it is the best approach. This is what you stated in your initial post. I agree with this approach.

Why do you feel the need to stick your oar in and become involved?

I won’t report this but its ugly, mean, and utterly uncalled for.

It us OP’s home as well as DP and DSD. MN often acts like the second woman in a man’s life is an interloper and should know her place to be nowhere on the pecking order. But late night phone calls and multiple phone calls are out of order and disturb the peace of the household. That and the other intrusions have a bad effect on OP as a member of the household. OP doesn’t have to accept poor and erratic behavior from DSD’s mother.

I “stick my oar” in because it’s my life and my relationship, I feel the need to “stick my oar in” because she is acting erratically, needy and inappropriately. Why does she feel the need to stick her oar into our business? She can speak about DSD all she likes, I’m saying that it’s not acceptable to repeatedly call, discuss her personal life, ask if I am home etc.

she is mother of his child, but she is nothing more to him. They barely know each other outside of their child. That’s why I think the behaviour is over familiar and needy.

And I dislike she is guilt tripping DP that she says DSD is happy as an only child. Me and DP are actively trying to children, and are due to marry next year. On what planet is it acceptable to say that to someone?