DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

She has a DP of her own and accused the OPs DP of ‘having an affair’.

She sounds deranged

Oh come on the woman accused the OPs DH of ‘having an affair’. It’s just normal to call at midnight unless it’s an emergency. The woman is not right on the head

It's not OP who's needy and jealous. Projecting much?

She means that just because he’s not legally required to pay maintenance doesn’t mean he’s not going to. The money is to support his child at the times he’s not around. The legal requirement is the bare minimum. I bought my child new shoes yesterday- did the government require me to? No.

Quite frankly this sounds like a nightmare situation.
I would think long and hard about marrying this man and having children with him.
I don’t think I could stand it if I’m honest.

You will not get any sensible answers on AIBU, OP. Sadly most people here think step parents are the devil incarnate and I’m surprised you’ve had nobody try and blame you for splitting them up even though you didn’t meet until well after your SDD was born.

what you are describing is definitely not normal behaviour and your DP does need to set some boundaries with her and maybe you can support him to do that by starting with no calls unless it’s an emergency and do each boundary one at a time. I’m not sure she’ll listen but he needs to stick to it too.

You do not know what controlling means and in any event its not some horror word that forces everyone to leap back and shuts down all discussion. Everyone has a right to control their own life and their own boundaries as to treatment by others. Telling your ex what you will and won’t accept as treatment is perfectly reasonable. OP having this discussion with her partner is also pretty normal.

In fact “good fences make good neighbors “ and good, firm, boundaries about appropriate interactions between co parents are good.

Sorry OP I’m only on page 2 but you’ve have some weird responses so far. Of course she is being out of order! That’s not normal!
I share custody of mine with exH and we don’t overstep to this extent! And we were married once!

I agree that your DP needs to just keep ignoring her until she gets the message. Phone on silent, ignore all calls. If it is a genuine emergency she will leave a voice mail or send a text to tell him so.

Is the 50/50 thing set in a regular routine so the child knows where she is going to be any given day of the week or does he just have her when it suits her mom?

This is spot on.

YADNBU! Who rings people repeatedly at 1am for no good reason?

She has no right to any information that doesn’t relate to her DD. Your DP needs to shut these questions down every single time. He can mute her when DD is with him. Would it help him to plan some responses?

The sooner he sets rock solid boundaries the better. No calls outside of emergencies. Could you drop DSD back sometimes?

So much misogyny on this thread. Mum being a “one night stand” has nothing to do with anything . Whether she is a one night stand or an ex wife is completely and utterly irrelevant. They have a child together. She is not a baby incubator, she’s a person. They are not in a romantic relationship, but they are bound together by their child and that means working together, and , yes, taking care of each other, like any family . Is it respectful of her to call repeatedly or at all hours of the evening/noght? No. Are DP and OP entitled to boundaries? Of course. And they should work on how to implement them. However, acting like this woman is nothing to OP’s DP even though she’s the mother of his 4-yr-old because she’s a “one night stand” is so gross and just misogyny.

Ignore it. If it goes the same way as my DHs ex, she’ll realise you’re not interested & will move on.

She sounds very manipulative and controlling to me. I’m sick of this attitude that seems so prevalent on here that the mother is always some poor victim and the father irresponsible and negligent if he doesn’t dance to her tune. YANBU to find it annoying, but your DP is absolutely right that you just need to ignore it. In a situation like this you have to play the long game. Be the calm stable home the child can depend on. Children grow up and as they do they form their own opinions of those around them. Your DSD will remember being dumped on her dad to suit her mum’s convenience all the time. She will remember who was actually there for her always. Do not get drawn into saying negative things about her mother, she’ll figure it out for herself.

Its not misogyny. Its a part if the picture. If the ex was a SAHM of 20 years who had given up her career and was calling her unfaithful husband for help fixing household appliances he had bought this level of engagement though troublesome for OP would not be as inexplicable and weird as this woman’s pestering calls. She isn’t being treated like “an incubator” out of a punitive attitude towards her sexuality. She is being classified along an obvious line from more connected and intimate with the OP’s DH to less. Because the original relationship was not much of a relationship as it was a ONS. It gad neither past nor future. How would you like it if some bloke you had a brief ONS with five years ago was calling you at midnight and badgering you about your current husband and your plans for children? Would you accept that or find it outrageously inappropriate? Where is the misogyny here in expecting a grown woman to comport herself civilly to the father of her child? I think its quite misogynistic to act like the poor thing isn’t capable of managing her own life without leaning on an unwilling man who she had a brief sexual encounter with five years ago.

Thanks for the sensible responses.

the person who said I’m needy and jealous and that my DP doesn’t mind 🤣 obviously haven’t read that he regularly complains about her to everyone and their aunt and wishes “she’d just fuck off”. Hope your standards are higher for yourself!

DP has downloaded app and will speak to her on Wednesday for drop off - no text communications outside of hand over, no phone calls unless emergency. And ask her to stop calling his mum!

if the child isn’t with her though he isn’t giving it to his child is he.

that money could be spent on the child while she’s with him.

why does she not have a responsibility to support her child and pay him?

Of course it’s misogyny. Whether she had the past status of a wife (even better a SAHW who was a victim of infidelity, no less!) or a hooker is completely irrelevant.

What matters is the relationship now- which is that they share a child.

Thats a significant relationship.

Is it romantic? No. Does it mean she has the right to call him at all hours of the night? No. Should she recognise and respect his partner- yes.

Is she weird, inexplicable or deranged for seeking a human connection/ dialogue with her co-parent/ the father of her child? Of course not. The suggestion that she is , is completely dehumanising and explained by misogyny.

The person who said you were needy and jealous is either like your DSD’s mum or IS your DSD’s mum.

If he keeps complaining about her then he needs to try harder to ignore her. Although it does sound like he has a plan.

As mentioned before, me and exH share custody 50/50 - we are also friends now, and neither of us would dream of behaving this way towards one another. We don’t demand to know details of each other’s lives, we may volunteer that information in a friendly exchange but that’s it. To me, that’s what a healthy co-parenting relationship looks like. If exH got himself a new partner, I would probably take a few steps back out of respect and I think he would do the same.

How weird—of course its not misogynistic to judge her behavior as inappropriate. Because it is inappropriate! Whether by a man or woman calling multiple times for non emergencies, attempting to involve the other parent in her romantic affairs, and calling at midnight or offering unsolicited advice on the child’s parent’s fertility or romantic life is massively inappropriate.

Her shared child is taken care of by the father. No appropriate care or money is denied the child. OP has never suggested anything other than full family membership and treatment for her DP’s first child.

But the ex is not an ex partner or lover or even friend. She isn’t family and no one other than her dp and family is obligated to be her emotional security blanket.

It sounds like she's trying to encroach her way into your partner's life with the late night calls and bringing her problems with her partner to him in hope that he will be her white knight and what I quoted makes it pretty clear she thinks she can dictate his life down to whether he has more children or not and demanding to know where you guys vacation and refusing to meet you.

She's way out of her lane. Maybe it's time your partner started some grey rocking with her and set some hard boundaries. Use an app to communicate about their daughter. No more late night calls unless it's about being in the ER. Your partner is not her therapist. If she continues this way, he will likely have to get set visitation and their only communication will be about their child on a court approved app.

I agree that it’s inappropriate for her to call at midnight (and to repeatedly call etc) as I’ve clearly stated in both my posts.

if you are going to reply to me , the least you can do is engage with my actual posts, rather than just arguing because you heard a word you didn’t like and didn’t want to self-reflect.

Really doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

To be clear: this (below) is the dehumanising / misogyny part. And it is absolutely is dehumanising/ misogyny. It’s completely objectifying the role of the mother to the point of non-existence. It’s false, it’s wrong, it’s objectifying, it’s dehumanising, it’s not how life actually works- not least because the humanity/ wellbeing/ welfare of the mother could not be more important to the humanity / welfare/ wellbeing of the child. .

“Her shared child is taken care of by the father. No appropriate care or money is denied the child. OP has never suggested anything other than full family membership and treatment for her DP’s first child...She [mother] isn’t family and no one other than her dp and family is obligated to be her emotional security blanket.”

Also definition of a family= group of people who are related to each other.

Just so I understand what you’re trying to say - are you suggesting that the OP’s DP should provide unlimited emotional support to the child’s mother because they loosely fit the definition of ‘family’?

Unlimited emotional support? No.

I don’t really believe anyone is required to provide anyone else “unlimited emotional support” . Well maybe a parent to a young child. No one else.

Should he treat her like a human who is significant in his life? Yes. Because she is a human and she is significant in his life because they share a child. There is nothing “loose” about that connection- is as permanent and fundamental as they come.

Is it relevant that she was previously a one night stand and not a stay at home wife victimised by infidelity? No. Is it misogynistic that people keep bringing this into the conversation? Yes.

Ok I think I understand your point. Are we saying that, regardless of previous relationship status, that the mother of a child should be treated with respect by the father? I don’t disagree with this. Do you think the OP’s partner isn’t treating her in the right way? Or is it just an issue with people saying “she was only a ONS”?

Sorry, I like nuance 😂

She is not related to the father—she is not part of his family. Its not misogynistic to think so.

I am not required to “self reflect” on this thread and your posts are not important or insightful enough to stimulate any kind of reflection.

I disagree that it is misogyny to accurately represent the relationship between woman x and the father of her child as quite limited and to be kept in bounds. As I stated upthread my analysis would be exactly the same if the genders were reversed and it were Woman X complaining that her brief fling/ sperm donor was calling her all hours of the day and night and interfering with her relationship with her DP.

Again: I think it’s incredibly sexist to assert that the mother of the child is so helpless that any inappropriate behavior must be handled with kid gloves. Why? Isn’t she a grown woman? I am and I have nothing against her sexuality or her choice to continue the pregnancy with s person she did not know at all. But having a baby doesn’t entitle you to control the man or interfere in his life. I think its outrageously sexist that so many women here are contorting themselves into pretzels to excuse her erratic and inappropriate behavior.