DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

I agree with this.

She’s obviously finding being a single parent hard. Their joint child is clearly her main focus and expects their child to be his too. Which is fair enough, although midnight phone calls aren’t.

If his DD is with you both 50% of the time and more, then your house is her main or at least her equal home. She doesn’t “stay” with you - she lives there. I think that’s important to have in mind.

Your DP is right to ignore the unreasonable bits.

I don’t think it’s reasonable of him to say “don’t phone me unless it’s an emergency” though.

It doesn't matter if she has been dating him for 1 year, heck it doesn't even matter if DP is single, he is NOT her emotional support after a one night stand 5 years ago especially when the woman has her current relationship.

She needs to have a say when the woman calls and calls and calls when they are out or doing something as a couple, how is that not her problem? Calling at midnight and waking them up over a non issue?

Are you saying she shouldn't say anything now because she's been only dating for 2 years but when she hits the 5 year mark then she can complain?

Yes the relationship should be fun and easy but the woman is having an impact. Her DP is frustrated and that frustration will seep into her relationship so she can't just turn a blind eye and say "la la la" pretending it's not having an impact because she wants to be in the "fun and easy" stage

The right thing to do is share how she feels with her DP and they align on how to handle it. Ignoring it will lead to resentment and get their relationship.

And yet that's the only way you can be certain that her lack of boundaries will not continue to encroach on your life in future, if your boyfriend prefers to maintain the status quo.

She can have a say, of course, but it's on her boyfriend to sort communications with the child's mother. If it's bothering him he can easily mute notifications.

You are perfectly right but there is not much you can do as your DP chooses—very reasonably—to ignore the problem behavior. He does not feel it is wise to start a fight to reset the relationship back to where he wants it.

And for those acting like a ONS comes with “family” like relationships obviously it does not. The DP is courteous and supportive but he is not obligated to be the ex’s emotional support when she has her own family and DP for that. She is far too fixated on him.

You are with a man who already has a child. Accept it or leave. Things won't change there, there will always be the mother in his life one way or another.

And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting
as everybody is saying, you do nothing. Your DP is handling it and he seems to be fine.

Stay well out of it, it's not your role or your place to get involved and uspet the mother of your kids' partner. She hasn't done anything to YOU, and the man she is contacting is dealing with it himself!

Put it another way: the mother of his child owes you nothing, and doesn't have to consider your feelings when she is communicating with the father of their child.

He's dealing with the unnecessary contacts, not your business to get involved.

I think he should ignore the calls and maybe send a message asking if its urgent. He should say he will talk when it's convenient for him to.

She shouldn't be calling at times like 1am - thats ridiculous. He should leave his phone on silent after certain times if he can and just not answer if its after a certain time at night.

When it comes to knowing where he is on hols - tell her to mind her own business. Absolutely nothing to do with her.

Sounds like shes a bit obsessed with him and trying to build more of a relationship when there isn't one to be had.

I mean, technically, if DSD is with you for over 50% of the week the the ex may owe your DP CMS.

EX is being thoroughly unreasonable. She has no right to demand your DP’s attention whenever she wants. If she goes around crying wolf every 5 seconds it’s going to blow up on her eventually.

Well done to your DP for manning up and supporting his daughter.

This stood out to me. Can you explain how caring for your child 50% of the time (actually slightly more in this case I believe with the additional adhoc days) is the ‘bare minimum’?

This is the exact amount of care the child’s Mum provides but I don’t see you saying she should pay Dad any CMS?

Make it make sense?!

You seem determined that your boyfriend should have no relationship with the mother of his child, but he does and always will.

It comes across that you'd like them to exchange terse texts about arrangements only. Who do you think this woman is 'disrespecting'? You? It seems that you really want her to acknowledge you as number one in your boyfriend's life which comes across as petty.

You might think that, and I might think that, and the OP might think that, but ultimately, it's the decision of the OP's boyfriend how he deals with contact from his child's mother. The OP can communicate what she would like to happen, but ultimately it's not her call. All she can do is decide if she's unhappy enough with the status quo to end things.

I have no idea what your post has to do with what I said.

Them having an unprotected one night stand does not mean he has a duty of care towards her simply because she chose to carry a child to term. He has an obligation to the child.

He owes the child’s mother nothing.

@surethingmaybeI really feel for you OP.
Would your partner ever consider becoming the resident parent so that he has more formal responsibilities and control- this might help the mum to cope better too and be more settled for the child.

I don’t know what they are called but you can get an app that limits communication to solely about the child and care arrangements used in less amicable co parenting situations, it would mean your DP could block her number , it’s less personal and he’d have a record of unreasonable communications.

Edited to add we found it worked so much better and was less stressful for everyone when this happened to us when DH became resident parent, was a relief to the child and it meant the stress of the constantly changing plans and adhoc requests don’t impact us all as much and it also means that the my DH doesn’t feel like he’s just a kindly relative doing his ex favours by caring for his own child.

My guess is that she is now fully aware that DP is a decent bloke, unlike her current partner, and she is wishing DP was more than just "DC's dad".

OP, stay out of it as much as you can, but support your DP if he is struggling to deal with it. You have been given some good suggestions about strengthening his boundaries, which you could pass onto him.

Your partner is right to pay child support.
He is also right to dedicate only realistic time to the child's mother.
Would it be better for the girl if the days she stayed were more predictable?
Your DP should have a friendly and respectful relationship with his daughter's mother. Ideally you should too - if you are in the girl's life for years and years.

You're right, my response was clumsy. However I feel if you have a child with someone it's in that child's best interest that both parents feel supported by each other regarding their child. I'd imagine that must be very difficult to manage as it's a situation that will continue for years and both sides may not always be reasonable.

What SHE does is absolutely none of your business.
How your DH responds to it, can be your business. But if you’ve talked to him and he is adamant that he is dealing with it the best way he can, you just have to accept it. He is a parent and has to deal with his daughter’s mother.
Alternatively, you leave him! This is an issue between the two of you. You have no right to judge or comment on HER behaviour.

DSDs mum has made it clear she does not want to meet me. She will ask if he’s alone before having a phone call. When I first was introduced to DSD, he told her he was having a relationship with me and she said she felt pushed aside. She has also made comments to DP that DSD is so happy as an only child, and that her and her DP won’t be having children. It feels barbed.

I think these situations are common when a childfree woman/man gets involved in a relationship with a single parent. My ex was childfree while I was a single parent and he used to get annoyed when I coparented with XH. I know when I was childfree, I would never have got involved with a single parent as it would probably irritate me too.

She shouldn’t be constantly calling him but as long as their communications are regarding the child, then you will need to swallow it up.

This thread is absolutely bonkers 😂Everyone saying that she's well within her rights to keep ringing the OPs DP in the middle of the night because she has a child with him?! Um, they had a one night stand 5 years ago?! It wouldn't even be ok if they'd been married or in a long term relationship!

You don't ring your ex repeatedly - especially at odd hours! - unless it is an emergency.

Anyway, regardless, it's on your DP to deal with this one @surethingmaybe .If he is ok with it and doesn't want to put his phone on silent / turn notifications off then he obviously doesn't mind the contact. No matter what he is saying to you. Which is fine and his prerogative. However you just have to decide whether you can live with it - for potentially the next 10-15 years - or not.

She can’t, no

so your dp needs to do it for her and it sounds like he is

I’d advise to make sure it doesn’t come between you two - I’d support him and not go down the road of getting annoyed with him.

phones can be switched off, doors unanswered

Id out phone on mute once 8pm comes and tell her to ring landline if its an emergency. Then you answer the landlines any time she calls. She might get the message

I would suggest your partner looks at one of the parenting apps. He can then insist all communication goes through that - gicing him a record (admissable in court if need be) That enables him to block her through other means and also suggest his sister, mum and anyone else she uses block her too.

It feels like she is still wanting a relationship with him and isn't taking no for an answer sadly.

What do you want him to do? Would it assuage your concerns if he cut her off completely