DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

She knows he’s the father of her 4 year old- she’s known that for the last 4 years and that alone makes it not the least bit strange/ deranged etc that she should feel/ express some kind of human connection/ attachment to him- ONS or not!

It’s weird to badger somebody who is essentially a stranger into trying to form a relationship outside a child they accidentally created together.

Right.

Ah well, I feel like we are all just repeating the same points over and over again.

I don’t think it’s weird at all to seek to form a relationship with one’s co-parent- in fact I think it’s entirely normal, appropriate and absolutely in the best interests of one’s children.
But then I am personally a coparent operating outside of the typical nuclear hetero- bubble, so maybe that’s why I don’t think parenting relationships are entirely defined by / reducible to sex/ romance as everyone else seems to.
I think it’s really problematic that social norms have dictated such a narrow perspective on parenting relationships. I do think it objectifies women/ mothers, and I don’t think it’s helpful for parenting or in the best interests of children.

But I don’t think I am going to persuade anyone here of this or vice versa sadly.
🤷🏼‍♀️

I would see your point if fighting heteronormativity and misogynistic assumptions about coparenting were what was going on here. But you are really struggling to force the woman described here into that interesting model because she is absolutely not fighting the power or doing snything other than exploiting cultural (misogynistic) tropes about helpless women incapable of managing their own shit.

She is trying to turn the DP into s confidante in her conflicts with her dp, has asked him to be a guarantor yo a property, and frequently leaves the shared child with him without regard to the agreement. How is that some radical reinterpretation of the misogynist text? How does she choose to support the OP snd her DP as parents and coparents in some new age way? She isn’t. She is, in fact, badgering them and extracting more support than she puts into the pot. Her model is not particularly evolved, feminist, nor does it have anything to do with your situation.

I’m not condoning her behaviour, or suggesting that she is modelling some kind of new age feminist example, nor suggesting this situation has anything to do with mine, I’m simply objecting to people suggesting that these two parents are nothing to each other because all that connects them is a ONS , and therefore this woman is deranged , no less, (a stage 5 clinger if you will) for having/ expressing an attachment to this man.

There was a poster who a few pages back offered what I thought was really insightful analysis .
She suggested that this woman might be struggling to cope with parenting . maybe she is seeking a closer coparenting bond- anxious to know more about the father of her child -to better understand his thoughts and behaviours in different situations- since her 4 year old spends so much time in his care.

Again, none of this suggests she is going about things the right way , or that OP and her partner can’t set firm boundaries, it’s just to recognise that the desire for connection isn’t necessarily reducible to how many times they had sex and isn’t completely bizarre/ unintelligible.

You're the one that keeps referring to her as deranged.

Back in the real world and the rest of the thread, she's just desperate for a man that doesn't want her, using a child to contact him for no reason, so simply a bit pathetic and frankly embarrassing herself. Not deranged. Just a desperado. Which if you are the actual woman in the man's life, must get fucking tiresome, that this idiot pretends she's sniffing round the man "in the best interests of her child.".

Actually a lot of people have called her behaviour weird , crazy etc. but everything you are saying is just as problematic and misogynistic. “Sniffing round this man”, desparado, pathetic.

Awful. And personally I don’t think it’s helpful to the OP or her step child but hey ho.

It's nothing other than stating exactly what she's doing. That's not misogyny. To be clear.