To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

Wants to come home. Wants his family back. All emotional because he was beaten up, in shock, probably a bit drunk and you and the children turned up for him.
It was just one moment in time OP.
(A moment his mother seized upon because she knows what’s best for him and isn’t thinking of what’s best for you)

But he’s still with OW. Hasn’t left her. Was out with her ….defending her just a couple of hours earlier.

Tell him… ‘Just so you know, I will never be one to break up a relationship. I will only ever consider dating a single man who is true to himself, who proves himself, who is hardworking, decent, kind and loyal to me and my children. That’s what we deserve as a minimum.
I despise weak men who walk away from their wives, children and commitments.
And I never repeat my mistakes.’

Let him stew. See what he comes up with in the cold light of day.

Just one more thing, telling you he’s been stupid isn’t the same as a sincere detailed apology and asking if you could ever forgive him, and a voluntary willingness to work hard on himself to achieve a second chance.

Tell your soon tbh ex mil that she might excuse her dh cheating because he was flattered by the attention but you have higher standards. Plus, you don't fancy catching an std or HIV/Aids from her cheating son & that you don't trust him anymore.

Remind her that her son broke his wedding vows and not you by acting deceitfully.

Oh and while my previous post is sensible advice, in your shoes I think I’d want to wear his balls as earrings, my rage at both him and his mother thinking you should just step in and take him back now would be epic

It sounds like the fight might have been because the OW has now got herself an OM & he wants back in with you rather than being alone by himself.

Why don’t you tell her you’re seeing someone else. If that doesn’t work out you might think about it. You know, just like him.

This is deliciously petty. Do this.

Don't take him back, please.

@OchreRaven @Nodlikeyouwerelistening OMG I love this! What an excellent response.

No, he's his OWN responsibility, he's not a child or a cat!

It's up to his AP is she chooses to nurse him or kick him out.

its up to his mother if she'll let him live there or not.

he's not anyone's 'responsibility'

Girlfriend was probably cheating on him, hence the fight with the other man. He can still be a father to his children without getting back with you. Could you ever trust him again?

Well said.

Absolutely no. I speak from experience, a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I gave ex two chances but …. two heartbreaks. You are standing on your own two feet with your DC now, you don’t need the new agro.

Absolutely don't take him back - he's made his bed and you've moved on. You owe him nothing.

Don't let his family guilt you into feeling bad - they are not the ones he betrayed and left to deal with the fallout.

He's made a hash of his life and has learned that the grass is not greener. He can't undo what has been done.

Take control of the situation and make it very clear to him that there's no going back. Then you can get on with your life guilt free. He doesn't deserve you 💐

There is another thread on here similar to yours. That DH disappeared completely for six months and wants to come back.

I think perhaps a private message between you might help one another.

I wouldn't advise you to take him back. Men who start fights shouldn't be near children.

I would want a clean bill of sexual help to, if I were you.

So MIL tells you to 'remember he's their Dad', how about reminding him that HE is their Dad, when he walked out on you all?

No way would I let him back into my life after the way he's treated you and your kids OP. You deserve better. MUCH better!!

NO!!!!!! he’s shown you who he is and you and your kids are doing great without him.
Plus he’ll be off again once he’s better.
Don't succumb to emotional blackmail from him or his mum!

He got in a drunken fight over the other woman that put him in the hospital and now he wants a home care nurse. That would be you.

Laugh in his face and at anyone who thinks taking him back now would be a good idea. He's done no therapy. He hasn't seen the light, or recognized how horribly he treated you and your young children. He wants a soft nest to recover and be taken care of.

He can go to his mama. He hasn't even broken up with the other woman but he wants you to take care of him.

He can take the L.

YANBU. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

You are right not to trust him. Follow your instincts. They are passed down to you from your ancestors via DNA. Not many people realise that. It isn't just 'skin' cells, it's those little grey cells too.

Keep your children by you and safe. If he has ended up in hospital through fighting, then you must not let him see them alone. There are mothers who have had their kids removed because of a violent partner. Don't let your MIL have them alone either. It will be more work for you but safer for them.

Get help from people who are expert at it, like those who advise women on violent men. Some organisations give grants for that, and you might even find someone who will investigate who he has been living with and who he picked the fight with.

That is if you cannot afford your own PI. If you can, make sure they belong to the Association or Institute of Private Investigators.

Yes, I’m real harsh on men who leave their wives and kids. Total bitch about it.

Nope. Who the hell does he think he is?

He buggered off and left you without a single thought for you or the kids. (Did he even send any money for them?)

Actions have consequences and this is it. He doesn't get to come swanning back as though nothing happened now.

Tell the twat you've moved on and carry on doing just that.

Probably nailed it!

BINGO.

Absofuckinglutely NO NO NO NO NO.

Just No.