To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

Say NO.
He showed you who he is. You're rebuilding your life. Keep going! Best off without him!

Absolutely not! He's done it once and if you forgive him he'll do it again. He made his bed, now he can lie in it

Do not give him another chance to devastate you all.

Would you ever trust him again

Could you forgive him

Would you ever forget

He made a choice.

If this were my son I would be telling my DIL she deserves better.

How sad for him that it's taken someone beating him to realise what's really important to him while you've been coping alone all this time.

If you did take him back then you would always be wondering what he's up to, if he's going to leave again etc, the relationship just wouldn't be the same again, the trust has gone.

I wouldn't go back to him.

The Beautiful South.... A Little Time.

The altercation was about his GIRLFRIEND. It's not like he realised he'd made a mistake, ended the relationship, and then spoke to you after time had passed.

No, don't you fucking dare take this weasel back, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You owe him nothing. He treated you with absolute contempt. Abusers never change, and the actions he took were absolutely abusive.

Please enjoy taking the high ground and shutting the door, fucking MIL can do one.

Is he still living with the ow? Has he even finished it with her before declaring his intentions with you?
He's hurt and emotional but once things have settled he could easily go back to her. He has done no work to prove himself to you.
You would be crazy to take him back. You have done all the hard work don't let him ruin it. Don't give him that power.
You sound a strong woman, you deserve better.

Some men really are delusional. “Please forget everything I’ve put you through for the last 4 months, plus however long the affair was going on for. I’ve said I’m sorry - we good?”

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

Yes that's right, it's OK for him to forget he's a dad and walk out on his children but you must make sure you remember he's dad.

There is no way in hell I'd have him back. Tell MIL to mind her own business.

No, do not give him another chance for the kids or for you.

Your relationship will never be the same after this and once his feet are back under the table, whatever made him unhappy enough to leave in such a spectacularly cruel way, will still be making him unhappy.

Support him (if you wish) for the sake of the kids but never take him back.

He can move in with his mum if she wants him.

He's shown you what he thinks of you and the kids once already. You are not important and he doesn't love you as much as he loves himself. He will always be his number 1 priority. His happiness, his wants and desires trump all of you.

Do you really think you could ever trust him again?

Would you be able to love him as you had before? Or will you always be on the lookout for his behaviour to change again?

You're only involved again because your MIL phoned you, NOT because he's had some kind of bloody 'epiphany'.
He was happily on a night out with the other woman !

The answer to your question is no, absolutely, 100% NO.

As he left for another woman I'd leave him to it.

Do you know where she is in all of this, as in is she likely to rock up again

As for your MIL I'd tell her you have no intention of doing anything hasty, therefore things will be staying as they are for the foreseeable.

You haven't asked her to make decisions regarding your marriage so ignore any pressure she may put on you, yes he'll always be the DC father, you're not arguing that, but he'll equally always be the man that left his wife and DC for another woman, an adulterer.
Her son, once out of hospital can go live with her if the OW no longer wants him.

No way! his mum needs to but out too. I bet she's scared that she's going to be lumbered with him 😂

Do not take him back. He’s shown you how little he thinks of you in the way he’s treated you. It’s all very well his mum saying about remember he’s their dad, being their dad didn’t stop him behaving appallingly. Don’t give in to pressure. Find some people who will support you in real life. I find it worrying that “everyone” thinks you should forgive and forget. I’m sure it would be a lot more convenient for lots of people if you put up and shut up to restore the status quo, but it’s not your responsibility to do that. Remember this situation is his doing not yours. He bears sole responsibility for destroying your marriage and tearing your family apart. You owe him absolutely nothing.

God no OP! Funny how they always seem to decide they want to come back just as you're getting yourself back on your feet again isn't it, almost like they can't bear to see you getting over them Don't listen to the emotional blackmail from him or his mother, neither of them are thinking about what's best for you (or DC actually, it's in their interests for you to be happy), only what's best for ex and that is no longer your problem. Don't let them destabilise the progress you've made towards recovery from his betrayal, this mess is entirely of his making and now he has to live with the consequences.

Tell your MIL, he will always be their Dad, he doesn't need to be your husband. He got hurt defending his Affair Partner, why in gods name does this mean you should take him back? Tell her to drop it.

it all seems a bit convenient now he needs a nursemaid! Let the AP pick up the pieces, he was defending her & they live together.

if you took him back, you'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop, you'd never trust him to have your back no matter what. What's the point? What you once had he trashed.

be careful with this new bloke, it's very very soon after DH walking out & it's easy to get attached to someone being nice xx

I bet the mum is scared he is going to land on her doorstep and is in damage control in advance. As a woman, I’m embarrassed for her.

Of course don’t take this idiot back. Leopard, spots, and all that.

Please don’t take him back, he’s proven himself totally untrustworthy and is only showing remorse now he’s in a mess and life isn’t quite so peachy. I imagine that it would just be a matter of time before he does it again, meanwhile you will have wasted precious time that you could have used to meet someone decent and honest.
And as for your MIL trying to apply pressure on you, she is only thinking of her son (who has reverted back to being an upset child in her eyes), and not of you and your children who have been treated so shabbily.

His DM is probably worried he will be back with her soon. Take no notice of her, its none of her business. Good for you OP. 💐

For me, I’d be glad he’s had the realisation that he’s messed up, but there’s no way he’d be coming back.
All this would do is make it easier to be civil and manage the co-parenting. We could maybe even be friends again, but he’d NEVER be coming back after he’s shown that that is the way he would handle ‘being unhappy’ in the relationship- cruel and brutal.

I'd suggest to The MIL that she takes him Back home to her bloody house

Oh sweetie.

if he really wants you back, he needs to do a couple of things before you even consider it:

1. Leaves the OW. He can get a place of his own or live with his mum - but he has to demonstrably leave and cut all ties with OW.
2. Agree to marriage counselling - and attend all sessions.
3. Actually put effort into his relationship with you and the children.

And he does this FOR A YEAR. If - and it’s a bloody big if - he not only agrees to this but does it and sticks to it, only then do you take him back.

Unfortunately we all know what the reality will be. Once the injuries from last night have healed (hopefully not nursed by you - but that’s what he &his mum are pushing for) he’ll pack up his bags and head straight back to the OW. Putting you back how you were in February and confusing the hell out of the children.

Stick to your guns and say no. You, and your children, deserve more than someone who sees you as a convenient nursing home.

Oh & to answer the question you actually asked ☺️

no you shouldn't give it another go because the kids!

it's a shame it happened, but you can't undo it having happened by taking him back. You can't spend YOUR life with him FOR them, it doesn't work. They'll be better off with you being happy & strong, than being sad, scared & feeling second best with EX DH. Honest!