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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take him back after all this?

246 replies

GreeCasual · 08/06/2025 10:50

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 08/06/2025 12:52

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

Don't do anything hasty - you mean like he did when he walked out?

He's still their dad - pity he didn't think of that (or them) when he walked out.

And for those reasons, DO NOT take him back 'for the kids'. He didn't think about them when he walked out, don't give him the chance to do it again. Because he will. Think about what it would do to them. They're adjusting to him not being there, then he swans back in and they have to adjust again, then he finds another younger woman whose attention is flattering ad the merry-go-rund starts afresh.

He blew it. Not your problem. The DCs are your priority, not him.

WearyAuldWumman · 08/06/2025 12:59

They're looking for a carer/maid for him while he recovers. Nope.

sprinklesandshines · 08/06/2025 13:00

Not a chance. Even if it was a suicide attempt I wouldn’t. He obviously still adores his girlfriend if he’s willing to get into fights for her. Why couldn’t he just be sensible and walk away from the man goading them? 99% sure his girlfriend has got cold feed after he got into a fight and dumped or semi dumped him.

edit: cold feet 🤣

miraxxx · 08/06/2025 13:07

I’m so bloody angry today. Not just at him but at all of them acting like I’m the unreasonable one.

Hold on to that rage, OP, no matter what anyone tells you. It is that wrath that will save you from female socialisation and social pressure to always provide a safe landing for the irresponsible bastards of the world. It is that righteous wrath that will teach your children their self worth and resilience. None of you were ever pieces of inconvenient baggage to be callously discarded or casually retrieved.

ShesTheAlbatross · 08/06/2025 13:09

AlexisP90 · 08/06/2025 11:44

"Not being the same between them recently "
So casing point. Now the novelty of wetting his willy in something new has worn off and it's actually becoming a relationship that takes effort he wants out?!

Absolutely textbook.

Tell him to go get fucked - but it won't be with you.

Agreed.

Of course it’s not the same now he’s moved in with her and there’s laundry and groceries and dirty dishes, it’s not all just a secret affair that’s all sex, and no time to argue. What a tedious cliche he is.

Dweetfidilove · 08/06/2025 13:13

Your MIL is probably thinking she doesn't want him and his messiness darkening her door, so it's easier if you have him back.

This is not even a man who's repentant. He's a man who's in hospital because of the woman he left you for, feeling sorry for himself and hoping you're desperate enough to have him back.

Think ahead to how you'd feel if you took him in, put him back together and he buggers off again. I wouldn't trust him enough to waste my emotional and physical energy on him. No thanks.

abracadabra1980 · 08/06/2025 13:14

Karma has called. Be civil because of your kids but do not take him back.

LarrySherbert · 08/06/2025 13:15

It's clear from your posts that you don't actually WANT him back, and that's all that matters!

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/06/2025 13:21

Azandme · 08/06/2025 10:56

The Beautiful South.... A Little Time.

The altercation was about his GIRLFRIEND. It's not like he realised he'd made a mistake, ended the relationship, and then spoke to you after time had passed.

THIS.

OP, don't even give it another moment's thought.

Scout2016 · 08/06/2025 13:21

I don't understand why you went to the hospital and especially why you took your kids. Seeing beaten up daddy isn't really something to expose kids that young to, especially when he's let them down so much already. You say they were worried but how did they even know about it? And did he do all his emotional let's get back together stuff in front of them? I really hope not. They've had enough already with him leaving.

Was it pain meds and trauma and lack of sleep making him say those things? The cynic in me thinks the reality of "fun" weekends at the pub with younger woman isn't suiting him.

And I agree don't get back with him. If he's having second thoughts about life life with OW he can live with his mum.

Cherrysoup · 08/06/2025 13:22

No, he can jack right off and have the ow look after him. What a bloody outrageous cheek to tell you this! And his dm can take flying leap, probably doesn’t want to have to be lumbered looking after him.

LifeExperience · 08/06/2025 13:23

Do not take him back. My first DH tried the same bullshit. He left, it wasn't working out, so he wanted to come back. I told him hell no, met my now dh of almost 40 years and have a great life.

nopineapplepizza · 08/06/2025 13:26

Aside from the fact he’s a cheater showing zero remorse for the hurt and confusion he’s caused you and the kids, he’s now shown himself to be violent to the level of hospitalisation.

Is the other man in hospital too?

You certainly don’t want a violent thug in your life and I’m not sure he should be around the children either.

If he “fought” with another man about his GF, what if the kids give her some backchat on his custody time? Will he hit them too?

You need to protect your DC from violent men as step no. 1. And divorcing a cheater is step no.2.

Tiredandtiredagain · 08/06/2025 13:29

No don’t, you’ve done so well.

He doesn’t deserve you.

Loafbeginsat60 · 08/06/2025 13:29

No no no

If he hadn't been in a fight you wouldn't have heard hide nor hair from him.

He wants you to look after him that's all

Do not allow him to worm his way back in.

dollyblue01 · 08/06/2025 13:29

You be absolutely mad to give him another chance, somethings gone wrong and now he sees he wants you back aka wants to go back to his cushy life that he once thought was shit enough to walk away from and didn’t even try for the sake of his two little kids , no way you’d be a mug for doing this.

dollyblue01 · 08/06/2025 13:30

Trouble in paradise and he wants to come running back … typical cheating rat.

HopscotchBanana · 08/06/2025 13:32

Amelie2025 · 08/06/2025 11:06

Tell your MIL, he will always be their Dad, he doesn't need to be your husband. He got hurt defending his Affair Partner, why in gods name does this mean you should take him back? Tell her to drop it.

it all seems a bit convenient now he needs a nursemaid! Let the AP pick up the pieces, he was defending her & they live together.

if you took him back, you'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop, you'd never trust him to have your back no matter what. What's the point? What you once had he trashed.

be careful with this new bloke, it's very very soon after DH walking out & it's easy to get attached to someone being nice xx

Every bit of this.

Sounds like other woman has turned out to be a bit of a twat magnet, the new drama life has landed him in hospital and so you're the far better option in everyone's eyes.

She was worth leaving his children and you for though eh?

They can both fuck off. And MIL too now she realises OW has another man on the scene and wants her darling son off her doorstep.

OchreRaven · 08/06/2025 13:33

His new gf was probably flirting with someone else he got in a fight about it, she’s annoyed with him, and he’s thinking it will show her by leaving her and coming back home. He’s just playing games.

If he really felt remorse you would know it and not have to guess what he was thinking. He may well think his gf is immature and harder work than he thought. That’s his problem. Doesn’t make him a good partner or father.

He can see his kids if he puts them first and priorities them. He doesn’t need a relationship with you for that. Focus on your new life and never give him the opportunity to devastate you again because he will.

Lampzade · 08/06/2025 13:34

Op, please say No.

LarrySherbert · 08/06/2025 13:37

Lampzade · 08/06/2025 13:34

Op, please say No.

Say HELL no!!

IOSTT · 08/06/2025 13:39

The best way to predict someone’s future behaviour? Look at their past behaviour. He will cheat again and abandon you and the children as if you are all nothing. Do not take him back!

Mookie81 · 08/06/2025 13:49

GreeCasual · 08/06/2025 10:50

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

Why would you even entertain this?
Why would you take your kids up the hospital?
Why are you talking to another bloke after 5 minutes (3 months)?
The whole thing is a shitshow.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/06/2025 13:49

No way. He just wants someone to nurse him while he recovers, and his mother doesn't want that job and thinks it would be convenient if you did it too.

He made his choice, he can deal with the consequences.

Wednesdayisme · 08/06/2025 13:58

So basically it's not panned out well with this new partner so now he wants it to be easier and come back.

Nope, don't be guilt tripped into getting back with him unless YOU want to not just for him or his mother.