To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

He fucked around, he's finding out.

It's a shame that he's sad, but that's really a him problem, not a you problem.

He’s still with the OW. So what’s there even to consider?

He's a waste of space and happily not your problem any more, except as your children's dad. You'd be mad to let him back.

MIL probably wants to offload him back onto you because she's fed up with him and can foresee him becoming her problem long-term if she doesn't get you to step up and "mummy" him for her.

This post nails it.

You should use this wording to tell EX and MIL what you think of their suggestion. If you can include the ‘community penis’ mentioned above, even better.

They need to be told that you are an independent woman who has held your family together, despite the awful circumstances Ex left you in.

You are not a support worker and nurse for cheating scumbag men who have been in fights with their shag partner’s new bloke.

Au contraire. That interpretation is far too generous.

That is a firm no from me and his mother is an idiot. She can take care of him.

He needs a warm bed, a hot meal and a maid/nurse until he has fully recovered.. no thanks.

He definitely doesn’t care about you or the family just himself.
Mive forward with your life

No thank you. He's burnt that bridge, him, not you.

Not surprising that your ex-MIL would like to see her son back in a stable relationship with the mother of his children, but it's not her choice. She has his interests at heart, not yours. I wouldn't be swayed. MIL says you shouldn't be hasty and I agree! Don't be too hasty to let him back in your life, if you consider it at all. (Personally, I wouldn't even consider it.) It would be cruel to your children to let him back when the chances of it working out are so low. He's emotional at the moment, but it most likely won't be a lasting change. He'll go back to his usual self soon, and you'll be back living with the same man from before (except now he knows that he treated you abominably and you took him back, so he may think he can do it again).

I would just laugh at him

No, if he is truly sorry he can act "for the kids" in being a better dad for them. He doesn't need to be in your house and in your bed. You don't owe him that for the children's sake - he can do it perfectly well, if he wants, as your ex.

Absolutely not. I'd take great delight in telling him to fuck off.

Leave him, FOR the kids.

No way! Do not take this scumbag back. He will always be the kids dad, but he's stuck now with the consequences of his actions. Personally, I'd not be racing to see him or look after him in any way. That's not your responsibility any more.

No, at least not now. He sounds quite immature on more than one level. If you feel you might have a future with him, let him wait a year or so and prove himself. I can understand how his mum feels but she must also see your pov. What he did was horrible. He may well regret it but it still hurt you and the children, trust has to be re-built.

What? The guy abandoned you for someone else and gets into fucking bar brawls. He sounds like an utter lowlife.

Laugh in his face and focus on your continued recovery from the hell he's put you through.

Deleted

I suspect MIL is desperate for you to get together again, not least because she is worried about her ongoing relationship with her grandchildren. Maybe she also doesn't like the OW. But no-one has really explained what the situation with her is - if he's close enough to her to put himself in danger for her sake, clearly it's not over. I wonder whether she's made it clear that she's not that into him and she's not up for looking after him when he comes out of hospital?

This.

Having him back would not be good for the children. It would unsettled them again and send them all sorts of wrong messages.

Was he seeing them while he was with the OW ?

He's made his bed.

If you aren't sure then don't rush into anything. It's your life not his mother's not anyone on here telling you that you mustn't have him back.

Don't be pressured, take your time and do what's right for you. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

It would be a no from me. He is vulnerable right now and craving familar which is you and the children. When he’s better he would probably be off again.

No, think how confusing it would be for the kids if daddy suddenly waltzes back into their lives at a moments notice. If you do even consider it them say he will have to earn his place back in your life, and it won’t be happening soon so he needs to line up somewhere to stay when he comes out of hospital. But remember that the chances are that his super logical man brain will start adding up the sums and saying , “ Wow @GreeCasual is awesome, I leave her, shag another woman then she takes me back! Handy to know this, just in case I ever fancy trotting off again, not that I would of course, unless I met someone who looked at me at least once, and had her own teeth and home.”

Thing is OP you might want to consider getting back together with him, you might be able to get over this and rebuild a strong marriage- but he can’t go straight from the OWs bed to a hospital bed to your bed.

his urgency to move back in suggests he’s tried living with the OW, didn’t work out for him or she’s told him after the fight not to come back and he wants the easy option of moving back in. No - that’s not ok. He has to win you back. He has to work on himself, and then work on rebuilding trust and then think about moving back in.

he either moves in with his mum, or gets his own flat, or moves in with a friend, and then when there’s no one else on the scene, you can both decide if you want to be together, neither of you just sticking together because it’s the easy option.

As others have said, if he’s just looking for somewhere to recover from the injuries with a nurse or a bed as his girlfriend has thrown him out, once he’s better, he’ll leave again, that will be more upsetting for the dcs than daddy getting his own flat now.