To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

Some of these comments are insane.

The poster who said that neither your XH nor his MIL should be allowed to see the DCs because they’re clearly violent is incapable of rational thought.

Some of “advice” on MN is bonkers.

And the OP that said that if you were her DIL, you would be telling her to stay away from your son… no you wouldn’t!

In the end, the man - like many men before him - made a mistake. His head was turned and he listened to his dick rather than his brain.

Whether you forgive him or not is up to you.

But because of your DCs, I would sit down with him and hear him out.

if at the end of a conversation, your instinct is still no, there’s your answer.

You're not a pity home for men who mess up.

You don't owe him anything. What do you get out of taking him back? His sparkling company?

What does he bring to the table at this time that could possibly tempt you? I suspect not a lot.

@GreeCasual

NO! NO! NO!

Do not be emotionally blackmailed by this piece of shit & his deluded mother. Stick to your guns. You've done nothing wrong & he doesn't deserve anything from you. Don't give your kids the message that it's ok for someone to walk all over you & treat you like utter crap but then weasel their way back in whenever they feel like it!!!!

No. He was sufficiently enamoured with his girlfriend to end up being injured to the point of requiring a hospital admission.

Flattery or not (what a crap excuse), you're the victim here not him. If you allow him back he'll probably have even less respect for you as it would be a green light for him to do this again. You and your kids deserve better.

In your shoes I'd cease contact with MIL etc. The kids can maintain contact via your ex. You don't need to be guilt tripped/ badgered into taking him back.

Sorry just to add that MIL "he was flattered" is doesn't minimise things, it actually makes things worse as according to her he essentially blew up your lives and abandoned your kids out of vanity because he was flattered.

In your shoes I'd have more respect (but still refuse to take back) for him if he at least admitted he was in love/infactuated etc. I wouldn't be able to forgive him putting you and the kids in difficulty and abandoning his responsibilities re ensuring their security for example by him failing to pay the mortgage etc.

@GreeCasual

How are you doing now??

has Ex MIL calmed herself down?

How is ex doing? Mending? (Only interested on behalf of the kids!!)

has he had anything to say for himself???

I hope you are feeling less guilty & more sure of your 'NO'? Xx

Yes, I hope you are ok Op and have stayed firm on saying absolutely not.

Had he seriously just not even paid the mortgage for the last 6 months and left you to deal with everything? That would be my first thing to deal with with him - you owe me 6 months of mortgage and bills plus child Maintainence x 2!!

How is it going your end @GreeCasual?

No, no, no, mo ,no. Just no. He didn't make a mistake. He cheated on you. He abandoned you and your joint children physically, emotionally and financially. He doesn't get to waltz back in so you can be his carer. Please preserve and protect yourself and your children. His needs shouldn't even be part of the equation.

"left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with"
Did he even help you financially at all?

"I don’t trust him"
If you don't trust him then there's no way a relationship will work

“he was flattered by the attention”
If that was enough for him to leave you and the kids then he'll do it again no doubt mat best he might stay with you but not out of love, but because you're the safe choice

Your MIL opinion can't be trusted because as his mother she'll always choose what is best of him even if it's not the best for you or the children

I say this as a man, leaving the family is already bad enough but if he did his DUTY as a husband and father I could see him maybe deserving a second chance, but he clearly didn't, he didn't gave you financial support nor was present in the children life

Some will try to say you should take him back for the children, why? He didn't think about the children when he left, your relationship with him will never be the same, he might do this again one day, the children will grow up infinitely more healthier if you stay a single mom than getting back with him

Also, only reason you found about the hospital is due to his mom, if he never ended in the hospital he would be out there doing whatever he does

Don't accept him back, the family is already broken and there's no fixing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise

You were very kind to visit him in hospital, OP. But I would leave it at that. You’ve gone through all the pain, and life is looking up now. You would be foolish to give that up for an unreliable and selfish man.

Sounds as if he hasn’t bothered with your DC in the last five months, so you would be disrupting their lives too if you went back to him. And as PP are saying, he could dump you all again at any time.

And if you haven’t yet made a CMS claim OP, do it now! He has no right to refuse to support his children.

Give the new guy a chance
if thar doesn’t work out , look for someone else and give them a chance . Ex has broken something may never be able to be repaired and he may re-break it again and leave you to pick up pieces. He’s not nearly sorry & remorseful enough to even listen to.

Betrayal is absolutely never a mistake. He chose to dump you and his kids and stick his penis in another woman. Ditch him forever and never look back and do it for your kids who deserve so much better than this shitty wanker as a role model.

If you don’t trust him it will never work

so no don’t take him back

he as apparently happy with new woman till got into a fight

you are happier. You are building your life.

You survived him leaving you

So the novelty has worn off with the new woman and now he wants to come back? I don't think so! Imagine how confusing it will be for the children if he comes back just to have his head turned again at some point or the new woman ups her game and he trots off again.

He made his choices. You're just getting your life back together, don't let him mess it up again. And don't let his mother interfere any further.

Hang on a minute.
Did his mum offer any support to you while her son was sticking his dick in another woman?
Or
Did she only think of you when her pig of a son was in trouble and seems like he might need some care?

Your ex abandoned you. Abandoned his dc. Now he needs help and(possibly) a place to stay, all-of-a-sudden, you @GreeCasual become useful again!

What is that phrase I have read on MN? The one about "Nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to stay"

If he was out on date with this ow, he had time to visit his dc and money to spend on them.

Block his mum's phone and change his phone name to Scumbag or Shithead.

p.s I dare you to ask mil to babysit so you can go on a date.

Fuck no.

Don't be stupid.

Absolutely, fucking dont do that.

One day you may want to take him back based on genuine remorse etc. But certainly not now.

Tough shit. You are rebuilding your life. He made his bed... now can lie in it. He didn't care when you were left broken and penniless.
Probably the ow has seen what a shithead he is and kicked him out. Don't do it.