To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

What’s the betting that Mrs New Knickers, rather than going weak at the knees at her big strong man defending her, has actually twigged that someone who gets into pub brawls serious enough to end in hospitalisation isn’t actually that good a bet, and has unceremoniously ditched him?

And now, by an incredible coincidence, he has seen the light and realised he was a fool to leave OP and his children?

Trust your gut. Let his bloody mummy look after him.

Are they for fucking real?! He walked out on his family for an affair, left you saddled with the bills and now because he’s had some regrets they think he should be able to reinsert himself? Er, no. And if his mother had a brain, she’d be disgusted with him, not acting as if he made a minor error.

you tell mil you only turned up because of the kids, he threw us away and there’s no return. You say I won’t ever be with someone I can’t trust to have my back, and he is in hospital because he punched someone for insulting the girlfriend he cheated on me with. He’s the last person I’d ever trust to have my back, and that’s all on him. You’ll just have to focus on encouraging him to be a half decent dad, while remembering the kids don’t really trust him either but they really want to, which breaks my heart.

No, no and thrice no. All you will be doing is giving him permission to do it again the next time he has a fit of immaturtity and needs to "find himself". Let him stay lost and live with the consequences

Unless the bloke was actually HER ex partner who took exception to finding out who his ex girlfriend (whom he might still have thought was current) was seeing? He might well have had what he thought was very good reasons for 'starting' on OW - and how do we know that's what really happened? OPs X is giving it the 'I was injured standing up for a woman', but that might not have been the case at all, he might have been beaten up because OWs XP didn't like meeting him.

Please don't take him back, OP. He's a proven liar and he's not confessed, not broken down, not come to regret anything. He's likely more scared that this bloke might find him and do him over again. Running away back to his ex wife would hide him nicely.

I'd be tempted to reply to MIL that you and your kids have had four long and difficult months to come to terms with her son quickly shacking up with another woman so whatever you decide won't be "hasty." Cheeky cow!

It's a hard not

Aw, you really should take him back. The poor ickle lamb needs someone to wait on him hand and foot while he recovers, so he's in ship shape ASAP for the OW. Purely coincidentally, OW has already told him he's not staying at hers because it's not convenient. As has his mother...

Seriously, you and the kids have come so far. Don't put them or yourself through this again. You'd never trust him again anyway. Let being separated/divorced be the new normal and keep your newfound stability. 💐

Stay strong OP! He doesn't get to come weaselling back in. I bet the OW is less than impressed at him getting into a pub brawl. His mother can butt out too. She raised this mess of a man, she can look after him.

Sounds like his wake up call was realising he chose the kind of woman who gets involved in pub brawls. I don't think he actually feels any guilt. If that hadn't happened he'd be carrying on happily with the OW. Not a chance I would even consider taking him back. I'm sure his head would be turned again when someone new and shiny comes along.

Absolutely not. Ignore your MIL. He has made his choice. I wouldn’t trust him. If your MIL persists and is upsetting you I would block her. You have just started to move on, it’s cruel to mess you around like this.

Jesus Christ if my son behaved like that I’d be so embarrassed I don’t think I could look my DIL in the eyes let alone beg her to take him back. Unfortunately, he is still the kids dad and you can’t change that, but don’t take him back. Be civil with him and allow him access to his children because that’s his right as a parent, but he has no right to have access to you or to “have his family back”.

He is a loser who got into a bar fight he didn’t even win and now he’s feeling sorry for himself and he needed his mummy to beg for you back - you can do better.

The only question here is why you even entertained it for a moment.

He jumped when the grass was greener and will do it again. I speak from experience the time after you are left alone is the hardest and going through that again and again is not worth it

Tell him to fuck off and maybe the beating he got was karma!

Stand your ground but do it with grace it's more effective.
Tell him you have only just stopped crying at him leaving that he didn't think at all about you or your children he thought the grass was greener and it turns out it really isn't.
Tell him you have changed that you are stronger and that you didn't deserve what he did to your family , that you no longer feel the same.
Keep talking to the new guy it may go nowhere but let it give you some confidence and keep moving forward for a fresh start without him.
As for mil tell her to mind her own business she can take her son back if she likes but you have moved on.
He started this you put an end to it .

She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

Cheeky fucker! It was him that was hasty. Yes, he's still the children's dad - shame that wasn't his priority when he was fucking someone else!

I cannot stand emotional blackmail. OP, stay strong and refuse him. It's not for him to call the shots like this and not for his enabler mother to pile on the pressure like this.

Don't be hasty?

Like he was?

So the new woman has dumped him has she??

OP, only you can decide if you want to reconcile with him, but things are a long way from that. Just because MIL mentioned it, doesn't mean he wants it. He was out with OW, still with OW. He hasn't actually told you himself that he made a mistake and wants you back. Tell MIL to back off and that if he wants to talk, he needs to arrange it not her.

If it is truly what he wants, he will end it with her, move out, and then do everything he can trying to convince you that he made a terrible mistake and you are the only one for him.

You don't need to rush into anything, you don't need to take him back, even if he is genuinely remorseful. He did this to you, and now you get to decide your future, not him.

It's entirely up to you OP
Do you want to take the risk and come to terms with forgiving.
Only you know that.
Whatever happens, you have demonstrated that you are a strong, capable woman.
Do you want him to come back?
Do you love him?
Lots to consider.
He has behaved very badly and would need to commit to counselling and be genuinely sorry

I don’t trust him. That’s the honest truth.

I mean that's your answer isn't it?

He has certainly proved himself to be untrustworthy!

A bit harsh all around

I don’t trust him. That’s the honest truth. And I’m scared that if I say yes he’ll just swan back in and start treating me like a doormat again once the sympathy wears off...MIL’s words were “he was flattered by the attention”.

So he hasn’t apologised or explained (not that he could adequately), you don’t trust him, you’re worried he will treat you badly again, your MIL is implying that he strayed because he didn’t get enough attention from you (and presumably she hopes you’ve learned your lesson) and she doesn’t want this colossal man baby on her hands anyway.

Fuck ALL of that shit, and the horse it rode in on. Live the life YOU want.