To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

He and his mum can both get in the bin.

Never go back to him. He's shown you what he is - someone who cuts and runs and abamdons his children at the least opportunity and when it goes to shit expects you to drop everything for him.

It doesn't have to be an either or, your life was upended under 6 months ago, that is no time to manage a massive life changing event. You have been incredibly resilient to steady homelife for the children it sounds like the focus on 'getting on with it' was very centring for you. Do not underestimate the emotions that go with what has happened including sadness and anger. You may not have been able to give space to those whilst you found a way to keep going,

I can completely understand your frustration at family members, their opinions are probably less to do with you than their own responses to what has happened. It might be his mother has never agreed with his actions and saw this opportunity as a way to intervene to nudge things back to where she thinks they should be. That would be a MIL issue. She has also been presumably supporting her son even if she doesn't agree with his actions perhaps because she loves him and doesn't want to lose him.

Whether your husband has had a change of heart, or the events scared him and he has had an emotional response with you visiting, he has still made very powerful decisions that have implications for everyone. Consequence cannot be denied.

Surround yourself by a supportive network who will help you think through everything that is happening. Most importantly do not rush to make any decisions during such an emotive time. If your husband is going to ask for a review, he should be able to go at your pace not just his or other peoples.

How embarrassing for him to have been such an idiot. He thought it was ok to treat you this way once, and it was pretty awful. He's not worthy of a second chance. There's literally nothing that he can offer that would be so good as to make up for that and make him a worthwhile partner. And imagine if you did take him back, there would pressure to forgive and forgive, so that his children would never learn of his deceit presumably.

Have you actually filed for divorce yet? If not, crack on and get it started.

To MIL “sorry, no. I have some self respect”

does MIL not want him moving in with her, perhaps?

You gotta be kidding me

It's not really a fair fight when someone's laying in a hospital, emotions are running high and you have your kids worrying about him. You'll just end up looking like the bad guy (even though that's deeply unfair - it's just the way it goes).

OP and women like her who have resolve and strength will always be the "bad guy" no matter how she behaves. The weasel is in hospital because of his own actions - karma is a bitch- and OP is not obligated to be nice to him. The children are being used to manipulate OP. He didn't ask for them and he is not at death's door as claimed. Op can turn her back on him and walk off without a backward glance. she doesnt even need to rip into him - what for?

I wouldn’t take him back either.

Not only will he do this again but he’ll weaponise his mum against you when he wants to come back. He’ll be thinking that you forgave him last time so will do so again.

Does his gf know what he’s told you? If so there’s a messy breakup coming up and you could be dragged into the drama.

I’d also be suspecting that his mum has told him to beg for your forgiveness so that you look after him. You doing the care means she doesn’t have to.

Exactly this. Or, has the OW chucked him to the side for another bloke? This bloke being the one he had the altercation with and now he has nowhere to go, so has made googoo eyes at you, pleading to take him back? Bin him off OP, and keep moving on with your own life, you are so much better off without him.

The other bloke could have been kicking off at the new gf because she was seeing your ex behind his back.

Quite. And in any case, this isn't a 'fight'. It's the logical conclusion of actions bringing consequences.

Bottom line imo is mil doesn't want him back under her roof!!

His mammy can look after him, he's no longer your problem.

For the love of God if my son behaved like this I'd be going through him!

So things aren't working out and MIL is terrified that he'll move back home with her and expect to be danced attention on?

I'd bet good money that's what it's coming down to.

God no, do not take him back ever, you and your kids deserve so much better.
His mum can butt out! She just doesn't want him living with her!
Similar happened to me late last year, I thought my fiance was busy at his work at haven holidays tending to all of his customers, but in reality was also tending to a work colleague for months who knew he was with someone and couldn't care less, in fact she taunted me after.
They have since split apparently, but I wouldn't want him back even if he had the nerve to come back which don't think he would. We both can do and will do better then these chumps. Good luck to you.X

If that was my son I would look after him and tell him to focus on being a good dad and accept he had his chance with you and blew it. Not trying to manipulate you into taking him back. Any decision not 100% yours would fail anyway.

@GreeCasual you sound like an incredible strong woman, and he needs to go away and listen to the Beautiful South

@GreeCasual the only people who matter in this situation now are you, your children and the decisions you make for all of you. Your ex has made his decisions and only thought about himself. That decided, you put everyone else out of your mind.

I can't imagine asking for affirmation if I were in your shoes. It would be clear cut to me, but it's a dilemma for you because you're a decent person and your ex preyed on that in his moment of vulnerability. All I would say to you is if you do feel a moment of guilt, or whatever, then think hard about what you imagine your and your children's future lives would be like if you took him back. Would you ever feel relaxed and secure, or do you envisage being back to square one if, or more likely when, he does an about turn? and how do you feel about your life now, the progress you've made alone and how it all looks going forward?

Personally it seems like a no-brainer to me for you and for your children to carry on as you are, and your ex will have to rebuild his life best he can, just as you had to do. That's nothing to feel guilty about, that's the consequence of his own actions.

I suspect he wants to come home because the man he had a fight with is the OW’s new boyfriend. I expect she’s thrown your ex out and he’s not taken it well. Don’t visit him again. It’ll only increase expectations. You’ll need to do a ‘Not in this lifetime, MIL. Do you think I’m that desperate I would want a scumbag of man who thinks it’s ok to do that to his wife and beautiful children?’

Don't take him back, when my dad left my mum for another woman, he came back after 4-5 months, grass wasn't greener and all that, he stayed for a few more months then buggered off again. Completely devastated my mum as well as us kids. Stay strong and keep moving forward 🙂

nah. He made his choice here. He is regretting his current situation because he's feeling sorry for himself and knows he wouldn't be in hospital right now if he'd made better choices in his life.

However, I'm guessing that not once has he said that he regrets leaving you and the kids, and misses you and loves you etc. (NOT that if he HAD said these things that he would necessarily mean them because they are just words, but I'm just saying, it sounds as if all of that is coming from your MIL, not him)

His actions show he's only sad that he's been beaten up and 'it's not the same' with his girlfriend, well he's learning the reality of running off with someone younger at a different place in her life. Being with someone younger doesn't make HIM magically younger and there's another reality for him.

He is like every other stereotype who finds small children hard work and didn't like not being the centre of the universe anymore.

“Sorry mil he’s not my problem anymore. You and the new girlfriend can argue over whose problem he is now. I’ll be busy enjoying the peace and happiness I’ve experienced since he did me the favour of acting HASTILY in walking out on me and the children”.

this fight over the girlfriend with another man, could it be the girlfriend has decided to move on? Because if he’s only coming back to you because the OW doesn’t want him anymore, fuck that shit, you are no one’s plan B.

I’d tell MIL that it’s no time to make big decisions. He needs to focus on getting better, you’ll make sure the DCs can see him while he recovers etc. And then when he’s all better you can talk.

Dont be surprised if they pressure you to take him back straight from hospital, that would mean the OW doesn’t want him in her house anymore and he’s looking for a roof over his head, not a life partner.

You might want to try again with him, but not straight from her to you. You have to be what he chooses, not what’s convenient.

He hasn't done anything at all for you to take him back anyway, has he? So why should you even consider it?

Karma is the ultimate bitch
You have lived with the consequence of his actions for months, about time he gets to deal with the consequences of his own actions

I think it's past time to get some legal advice and sort the house, finances, childcare and divorce.
I would suggest the OW is having second thoughts about him being a catch, he's about to be kicked out and needs a place to live. Being the secret OW is probably more exciting than being stuck with washing his pants.
Your MiL doesn't want him moving in with her.