To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

100% no. He is a Dad but he's not a husband and is an ex husband. Tough tit I say. He made his bed and that was with someone else.

No doubt he senses you starting to get yourself together and pulling away hence trying to reel you back in. As others have said, if he's really bothered, he can spend the next few years trying to make it up to you but don't put your life on hold while you wait for him to do that.

He has his Mum for support, you have your kids and yourself to focus on. If he wants to try to win you back he can but frankly that's up to him and none of your concern.

No no no no no!!!!

And I say this having recently got off the phone to my friend in tears after taking her partner back for the 3rd time and him having just walked out for the 4th time.

Man-child. Think they can check in and check out whenever they feel like it. Makes me sick.

Also, im not man hating here - i know women who do this too.

He’ll be sorry until the next time. And trust me, there will be a next time! Talk is cheap! He can fuck off! You are doing just fine on your without that scumbag!

@GreeCasual Oh hell no! Your gut is right, he’s feeling sorry for himself

He walked out on his responsibilities without a backwards glance. Doesn’t matter whether you’re even seeing someone or single. This man showed you who he was in the most terrible way he could. You can - and indeed are already doing better. If you let such a man back in, even if you get back to normal and forgive him, he’ll probably secretly begrudge you still. Ps how tf is ‘destroying his family’ to be a side piece ‘a mistake’?! He’s even know minimising what he did!

Please don’t take him back. Saying it’s for the kids is not going to be enough when you already know it will never be the same as it was. Your lack of trust and hurt will show and then yiu guys will have to go through turmoil potentially all over gain which will be more damaging for the kids. It’s not like he can’t see them ever again if he doesn’t get back with you.

Nope. He's the OW's responsibility now.

Community Penis! Shameless snigger

As to giving him another chance “for the kids”, please please please do not. He has shown how little he actually cares about the kids. A life with you trying to hold together a family unit with this arsehole would be hell for the them. Build a secure and stable family “for the kids” by never letting him get in the position to ruin their lives on a whim as he already has done once. The older they get the more they’ll feel it.

Thank you all so much, honestly just reading these has made me feel less like I’m going mad.

I’ve been sat here feeling guilty this morning like maybe I’m the cold one for not jumping straight back in and saying yes. But you’re all spot on. He hasn’t even said it’s over with her properly, just mumbled something about it “not being the same” between them lately. So no, nothing concrete. And yeah, he was out with her when it all kicked off.

It’s so true what one of you said, if MIL hadn’t phoned I don’t think he’d have even called me. And I only went because of the kids, they were worried and I didn’t want them hearing anything second hand.

I don’t trust him. That’s the honest truth. And I’m scared that if I say yes he’ll just swan back in and start treating me like a doormat again once the sympathy wears off.

Feel like I’ve been gaslit for months and now suddenly I’m supposed to drop it all and play happy families. Just doesn’t sit right.

And yeah she is younger. Obvs. MIL’s words were “he was flattered by the attention”. That was her actual excuse for him.

I’m so bloody angry today. Not just at him but at all of them acting like I’m the unreasonable one.

Appreciate all the replies more than you know. Helps loads just to know I’m not the only one thinking this is messed up.

i’m not sure where his mother gets off telling you “not to do anything hasty” but I agree with a previous poster that she may be concerned that she’s about to get landed with him herself.
He left you pretty hastily and taking him back now because he has decided, seemingly on a whim, that he’d like to come back now, would also be hasty.
If you are not going to do anything hasty, that’ll have to include not taking him back.

This.

What a selfish twat. He's not even apologised.

Please no OP! You're doing brilliantly- please keep going!!

I'd take any tearful confessions from a hospital bed with a pinch of salt tbh. He's probably on some major painkillers.

I'd put it out of your mind for 6 months. Tell your MIL when he can show you he's really understood what he did to you and the kids, preferably when he's not high/peeing into a bottle, you'll consider whether you both want to restart the relationship from scratch. Until then, you don't want to hear it.

Hell noooooo. And tell your MIL to do one at the same time!

Respond to MIL, and say "yes, you are right, he is the kids dad. Just a shame his cock forgot when it left the kids devastated to shack up with someone else". Or however you would phrase it.

"Not being the same between them recently "
So casing point. Now the novelty of wetting his willy in something new has worn off and it's actually becoming a relationship that takes effort he wants out?!

Absolutely textbook.

Tell him to go get fucked - but it won't be with you.

Yes, go ahead and take him back then spend everyday for the rest of your life wondering when he is going to cheat and walk out again, because he will. He didn't just walk out on you but walked out on his children, you need to protect them. Do you want to put your children through that again ?
Give yourself and your children time to grieve and heal, they need that. What they don't need is another bloke in their little lives. You need to be bloke free for a good while.

If you haven't already, take steps to finalise your separation so he can't move back in and claim it's still his home.

He's obviously an untrustworthy little weasel.

If he can get away with it once he will just do it all again.

He’s made his bed… he can lie in it.

Think about this- why is MIL saying this? Because it will make her life easier. She can go back to her little family, see her GC/Son with his nice little wifey and not have to navigate the new girlfriend. She can also stop thinking about the kind of man her son is- the kind who drops his family at the drop of a hat. Of course she wants you to take him back. It's easier for her- not you!

Good to hear you’re finding your anger this morning. I agree with someone else’s suggestion of blocking his mums number. It’s none of her damn business. It’s up to him to manage his relationship with his children moving forward so you’ll have to communicate with him for that, but only that. You owe him no more.

Nope, don’t take him back.

Jesus no. Come on. You know the answer to this. He’s a selfish dick and always will be. Do not invite that back into your life!

And yeah she is younger. Obvs. MIL’s words were “he was flattered by the attention”. That was her actual excuse for him.

I would tell you exmil you can’t get back together with exh as you were being flattered by someone else’s attention right now.

Not sure why mil even has your number still... Dc can see her via her precious ds...
He made his choice. Not your fault she has seen the light..