To not take him back after all this?

[GreeCasual]

Bit of a messy one so sorry if this is all jumbled. Just need to get it out.

Ex DH walked out in Feb. Said he wasn’t happy and “needed time to figure himself out” which basically meant he’d been seeing someone else. Moved in with her sharpish, left me with two kids under 6 and a mortgage to deal with. I was wrecked but got on with it because I had to.

Then last night out the blue his mum calls me in pieces saying he’s in hospital. Apparently he got into it with some bloke outside a pub who was kicking off at his new girlfriend. Tried to break it up and got badly hurt. He’s ok now thank god but I took the kids up there and it was honestly surreal. He looked at me like he hadn’t seen me in years. Got emotional, said he’s been stupid, wants to come home, wants his family back.

And now everyone including MIL is acting like I should just forgive and forget. She keeps messaging saying “don’t do anything hasty, he’s still their dad, he’s had a wake up call” and all that.

But I’m not sure I even want him back. I’ve only just stopped crying every night. I’ve started sorting myself out again and even been chatting to someone new. Nothing serious but he’s kind and makes me laugh. Ex hasn’t even apologised properly for what he put me through.

I keep thinking about how quick he left. And now he’s lying in a hospital bed feeling sorry for himself and suddenly remembers he had a family? It’s all a bit too convenient.

AIBU to say no and keep moving forward? Or should I give him another chance because of the kids?

He's an adult male. He's his own responsibility. Women aren't responsible for men.

I have a son and if he ever behaved like this, I’d tell my daughter in law to kick him to the kerb.

Disgusting behaviour.

Do not take him back @GreeCasual and tell his MIL you’ll be blocking her too if she doesn’t back off.

OP not a chance. You have done your 'duty visit'.

First chance he'd get he'd be at it again because having him back is tacit approval in their eyes.

Where is the OW in all of this. Has she gone back to his assailant? Is he her DH?

He's treating you like his default home and nurse. Fuck that.

No, tell his mother that what he did was unforgiveable and that you have too much self respect to put yourself through that again. Of course he's feeling sorry for himself but you should be feeling sorry for yourself, not him. He left you in a really bad situation just so that he could have sex with someone else. He wasn't thinking of you and how you'd manage the mortgage or how the children were feeling, when he was in bed with the OW, was he? If you got back with him now that would be teaching him the worst possible lesson, that he can treat you however he wants and you will always want him.

He hasn’t even said it’s over with her properly, just mumbled something about it “not being the same” between them lately.

ahahaha, and you're expected to run to him with open arms?! He must think you're desperate. You're not. Stupid man.

I wouldn't.

Clearly there is some beef between this man and your husband, he may want to hide at yours.

You could actually be putting your children at risk if he gets targeted by this person.

Keep the kids safe away from his volatile love life, and keep the children away from their MIL with her skewed ideas of how a woman should be treated.

Regardless of your relationship with him, he's trouble.

He's probably concussed and doped up on painkillers in his hospital bed. I wouldn't take anything he says seriously.

Tell his mum that you are 100% sure he wasn't in his right mind, because he surely knows there is no chance you would take him back! Tell her there is no point him embarrassing himself further, so you won't be making any more visits to the hospital yourself. Perhaps she would be good enough to take the kids to see their dad there.

Please don't I hate when people say il do it "for the kids" so your teaching your kids its okay to be cheated on, left in a financial mess and lied to. Your kids will be happy knowing you are strong. Children are resilient alot if kids go between mum and dad theres nothing wrong with that. Your kids want you to be happy too, putting them in a home were ur always watching your back, not truely happy knowing how he treated you and sacrificing your beliefs of you deserved better than that is not going to make you happy

You write about taking him back 'for the kids'. But the more important thing for your dc is that there is stability, care, compassion, happiness, self-worth in YOUR life.

If you think about it in all honesty, how would your relationship with exh stand up? If he kissed you, would you always be thinking of him kissing the other woman? If he wanted to have sex with you, would you be tortured with the idea of him being intimate with her? If you didn't want to have sex with him (on an occasion, or long-term) would you worry about him going back to her? Would you maybe even have sex with him when you didn't want to, just to avoid that possibility?

If you ex was unkind to you, or unthoughtful or didn't seem to care about your needs, would you wonder whether he regretted coming back? Would he (and MIL) think that you should be grateful that he's realised his mistake and wants to come back, and would he expect you to put up with whatever his behaviour is because you're lucky he returned?

What was your relationship like before he left (or before he had his head turned by the 'attention')? Was he an equal partner in caring for your dc, taking responsibility for household tasks? Was he kind, caring and thoughtful about YOUR needs? If he wasn't like that before, it's unlikely that this 'wake up call' (even a big punch in the face) will have changed him fundamentally.

Stand strong OP, do what is right for you. That's what will be right for your dc.

OP's post has set out her own inclinations on this point. And, yes, she's looking for affirmation of those feelings. From a parenting support site. Whose members might - just might - have been through something similar and be able to give her some sage advice.

Who knew?

I was block them all out and carry on without them.

I was going to do a big post but why bother when this covers it perfectly.

You will never be able to trust him again OP, and decent relationships are built on trust. It really is that simple.

You've done so well over the last few months. You are the one that has been wronged in this situation, therefore no one but you gets to decide if you want to take this man back, you're the only one that tells you which way your future is going with this relationship.

If your MIL keeps on cut her off with the words if he hadn't of left you for this OW and squared up for her during a fight he wouldn't have been lying in a hospital bed.

You really don't have to have any communication with your MIL or any of his family for that matter...
If they keep on ask how many of them would truly take back a partner that had left the family home and their kids to go off and shack up with someone else.

Chances are no one including the OW wants to play nurse to your DH while he's recovering and he's shafted himself over on the in sickness and in health part of his wedding wows by committing adultery.

Edited to add...
Odd how MIL wasn't so quick to drag her DS back when she found our what he'd done...
Don't let people that contribute so little to your life have a say in how you run it.

No don’t take him back. What’s to say he will still want to come back once he’s out of hospital. You’ll never trust him again. MIL needs to zip it trying to guilt trip you.

No

Her son, once out of hospital can go live with her if the OW no longer wants him.

I suspect this has probably already happened, and MiL is now putting pressure on OP to forgive and forget because she's faced with the horrifying prospect of her adult son crawling back home to her apron strings.

Funny how some will still expect other women to do the Wife Work for them. For me that would be a hard 'no'.

Thing is - he's feeling sorry and emotional right now because he's likely hungover and in some degree of pain. He's feeling sorry for himself, he's had a big shock, he's currently feeling vulnerable and alone.

Give it a couple of days and he'll back on the fence, give it a week and he'll be back in with the new girlfriend.

Absolutely don't take him back - you'll look like a right tit and be in for a world of hurt again.

I'd just say, 'let's not go there MIl. It's not the time is it. He made his choices when he wasn't lying in a hospital bed. In a week when he's back on his feet I'm sure he'll feel differently again'.

You don't need to be antagonistic about it to her. She probably does want more than anything for her son to return to his wife. She's likely aware of what a monumental mess of his life he's made. So respond to her emotion with cool calm logic - with a 'it's not the time, let him get back on his feet and just focus on getting better' (because she can't argue with that in any way - it's just the right thing to do).

And for you don't give it anymore space in your head. You've moved on.

And if in a couple of weeks when he's out the hospital and back to full health - if he is still wanting that second chance - well you can let rip then at him. It's not really a fair fight when someone's laying in a hospital, emotions are running high and you have your kids worrying about him. You'll just end up looking like the bad guy (even though that's deeply unfair - it's just the way it goes).

Absolutely NO

Definitely not OP.

Don't be manipulated or bullied over this

Nope. He can jog on. And his mother.

Fuck that. Nothing to do with your MIL. Don’t take him back. You’re moving on, keep going 👉

Go LC with the MIL. Her upbringing of and continual excuses for her sad shit of a son is the root of the problem. DC need not be shielded from the truth of their father's abandonment either. He left without even making financial provisions for their care ie taking care of the mortgage? Fuck him. He will disappoint them time and time again. If anyone says you have to take him back for the children's sake, they are lying and do not value your children's well being.

MIL is probably terrified that he'll end up back home with her if he leaves the ow and you don't take him back. So, don't listen to her. She's just looking out for herself.

You sound like a diamond and he sounds like a great big loser. What on earth is a Diamond doing with a loser? Throw him back.

I’m going to add to the chorus 😁

Yes sometimes, facing an event like that can help people get their priorities right. They realise what they’ve missed on, that the grass isn’t that green and things need to change.

The problem here is that he hasn’t done any of that. Even if it was the case hat he had a huge wake up call, Theres no way he has had the time to process it all. Rather, you been there with the dcs probably had this nice comforting feeling of being held, supported and cared for. Because That’s what you’ve represented for so long. It doesn’t mean he has changed, that he has put a stop to his relationship with the gf etc etc…. At most, he is likely to find himself single agd doesn’t like it (esp if ill or injured??)

Also really interesting that it’s his mum who told you all of that, not him. Which points towards 1- he hasn’t had such a huge epiphany and 2- that’s her dream, not his (or yours).

Your role isn’t to come and rescue him. Your role isn’t to forgive just because. You’re not his rehabilitation centre.
Bottom line is - you don’t trust him. Why would you try and have a life with someone you dint trust?!?

I’m so bloody angry today. Not just at him but at all of them acting like I’m the unreasonable one.

Good, you have a right to be angry, use that energy to give you confidence to stick to your guns. You don't want you hold into it for years but right now it's useful to you.