My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

Does she have any additional needs or is she Nd?

This is not normal

I sometimes wonder if she is ND. Would this be a sign? She can have quite strict views on how we behave as a family

Yeah she needs to get over herself, maybe just don’t discuss your past around her if she wants to be a drama queens

Of course she needs to get over this, it’s frankly strange behaviour on her part. I remember getting a bit protective of my mum when I was about 7 but 21?? Don’t let her make you feel ashamed. This is her problem and you shouldn’t have to hide who you are/were.

Let her storm out next time. Just ignore, don't pander, there's no need.

She can't yet see that you had a rich, complex, interesting life before you became mummy, devoted to centering her children in all things.

That’s my thinking. This isn’t normal. I can’t get to the bottom of why it’s an issue. I’m not sure she even understands why.

Do you think you're being too soft on her? Your past is your past, it's a fact that can't be changed and there was nothing to be ashamed of. Flouncing around whenever some harmless anecdotes are brought up is a bit pathetic and I think you should be ignoring it or telling her to get over it and stop trying to shame you for having a life

I would guess at her being ND too. Her need to control all aspects of life and getting angry when she can't (becase it's in the past) would indicate it to me.

It is a bit odd, having said that I still find it quite awkward/embarrasing if my parents talk about naughty things they got up to in their youth (nowhere near as bad as my teen years in the 90’s)
I also don’t like hearing them swear and don’t swear in front of them

She needs to get a grip on herself. Is she little miss perfect?
I love hearing about my mum's former air hostess days and naughty behaviour at school. I am so boring by comparison.

I’m wondering how to broach this with her. This is just one of many other indicators, like struggling to make friendships and not reading situations and having very high expectations of people

It's strange behaviour on her part. Does she go out herself? Does she have friends or a boyfriend? Is she lacking in social skills.

Does DD have her own social life? As in friends, going out to clubs/pubs, hobbies etc?

You pandering to her won't help. If you keep treating her like a child she will continue to act like one.

I get why you think that and often I do too. But I am now worried it’s more than that. At 21 she seems very different to other people her age and quite rigid views. I love her and want to help but not sure how to.

Limited. She prefers her own company a lot of the time.

Tell her 'opinions are like bum holes. Everyone has one, it's very important to have one. But for everyone's sake they are best kept covered up'.

I would ask her gently if she's happy. If she's noticed that her behaviour is somewhat outside the norm and whether she'd like to talk to someone who might be able to help. Then work that way towards approaching a diagnosis. Your DD may be very unhappy herself but not know why, so you suggesting that there could be an answer and that you could then help her get all the help she needs might be a relief for her.

Sounds like there is possibility some attachment issues??

Thank you, that’s very helpful

Could possibly be that she'd quite like to have a bit of a 'wilder' time herself, but the opportunities aren't presenting themselves at the moment, and she resents that you had an active (and pretty normal for the times, it sounds) social life. Also today's youngsters tend to be a bit more sober than certainly my generation/life was when young.
I've never gone into too much detail about my youthful years, but occasionally let things slip about parties that never ended, illicit substances and so on 😀- they've occasionally been a bit surprised, to put it mildly.

Yes, I think so too but at age 21??? She’s home from university so not like she doesn’t live away from home but I know she won’t see anyone over the summer and just hang about me

Well, sort of yes.
It is the kind of thing that most people of that age understand, but generally don’t think about that much.
They will rationally know that their parents were young and might find the idea of them doing whatever mildly cringeful, but it generally ends there.
Someone with ASD, for example, may find it disturbing and distressing to even have to deal with the thought of their parents acting in a way which is different to how they know them now.
Predictability is important to many people withASD.
Some people with ASD find it challenging even as adults when people close to them, parents etc, change their hair, glasses etc, or for instance if they show any change after having a drink and are more chatty/ laughing etc.

Any sensory issues op?