My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

She is very self conscious and what people think about her matters a lot, but that’s probably true of many young people

Thank you everyone for your input. I’m going to read up more on ND and gently explore that with her. I’ve always felt there was/is something else at play here and I’d want to support her if that is the case. I’ll also go into the specific board for advice as I want to get my approach right with this as it might be something else and I’d hate her to think I’m applying a label to her.

Like most of us, I just want her to be happy.

I would wonder about neurodiversity too. It sounds like she's struggling to get that you exist outside her perception of you, which makes me think she's struggling with theory of mind, which can be associated with autism.

All these assumptions!

Has OP even bothered to ask her why it upsets her? I also wonder at what age OP starting telling her daughter she used to be "wild". I also wonder why she told her daughter in the first place. Did the daughter ask?

I am ND. Now what?

being ND is not an excuse to control your mothers life.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night

She was speaking to her husband. Presumably that's still allowed even with a 21 year old in the room...

Would you feel comfortable to describe what your life is like now? Have you a partner or children? Friends? Work?

That's not normal behaviour from a 21yo.
From a neurodivergent 9yo I can kind of see it, but a fully fledged adult? That's weird.
Next time your life pre-her comes up, let her flounce. Don't go after her being all soothing and "there, there, dear". She needs to sit with this bizarre behaviour on her own. It sounds like you've told her more than often enough that her behaviour is unusual.

I wouldn’t be trying to get to the bottom of anything. This is why this generation is mental. Tell her to grow the fuck up and notice there are real issues in this world not the melodramas of a privileged girl child. You are giving this far too much attention. If one of my kids acted like this I would laugh in her face.

I have a family member like this, and as they are older they have never been diagnosed.

They've managed through life 'ok' enough but I do wonder how things would have been if they'd had a diagnosis in place.

It's manifested mainly in an inability to maintain relationships either personal or in the workplace. This is due to them holding everyone to a higher regard and finding it impossible to accept or understand basic human failings.

However, they have finally found a career where absolute following of process and policy is key. But they could have done with this 40 years ago.

That's simply one of many conversations. From earlier posts is looked like OP had said this to the daughter directly.

And there are conversations you should not be having in front of others. Would you think it okay if OP and her husband discuss their sex-life with their daughter in the room? Surely there are limits to what you can talk about it.

Maybe she feels jealous of your past and like her life is boring and lacking in comparison. I think it’s a lot harder now somehow for young people to have the same kind of carefree fun that we used to, so it’s maybe hurtful for her to hear about.

Unless she experienced childhood trauma which can also present as ND traits, she does sound autistic. It’s a spectrum so look at different resources - even (and I hate to say it) but SOME TikTok videos are good —not the ones where they’re like ohhh I lost my keys once so I have adhd. But where people talk honestly and calmly about their personal experiences.

also, don’t try to “normalise” her. That tends to be how people think they can help - get a ND diagnosis and figure out how to work to normalise from there. But it can help her to understand what is considered typical and recognise why others might be annoyed by her reaction to something (this being a good example).

I have no knowledge of this, but as she can’t seem to (perhaps just won’t) express why she feels this way, alexithymia rings a bell and is associated with autism.

But magical things don't really happen even with an autism diagnosis, at her age, it's not as if a revelation is going to happen, she is who she is. Just ignore her stropping, she sounds pretty functional, says she's happy. It's her life. Don't compare her to other people.

But they didn't talk about sex. She's an adult. She could have left the room without flouncing. When you're an adult living in your parents' house, you have to accept that they have conversations you're not a part of.

I can tell you are a very understanding and empathic person.

No one said an autism diagnosis is going to fix everything. Additional support is needed if there is an autism diagnosis.

How nasty.

Yes, there are limits. But discussing partying, drinking, smoking at a young age is well within them.

I also think it's fine to talk to young people about sex too, quite important actually. Nit describe your own sexual experiences in graphic detail obviously, but to some extent.

And nothing OP has said here suggests she was saying anything that would disturb most hearers.

It sounds like you may perhaps share the daughter's "strict" views? You are entitled to your opinion, we all are, but you are in a minority in holding this one.

What actual meaningful support is there for a happy adult?

No, they were talking about partying all night, smoking and who knows what else. The OP isn't clear on the details. I once saw an old home movie that had my mother in it smoking. I was pretty upset about that. This was the 70s and it was long known that smoking causes all sorts of health problems. I was concerned for her. Surely, that would give me the right to be upset.

Perhaps OP's daughter is similarly concerned, but OP and her husband have never bothered to ask and this thread is full of speculations of ND, as though the daughter is not allowed any negative emotions about anything. Just because she still lives at home does not mean her parents own her or her emotions.

To PPs, no there's nothing "magical" about a diagnosis and indeed this DD might not ever pursue it.

But there IS "magic" in understanding oneself, self awareness and personal growth.

I don't even know what the daughter's views are and neither do you. Is this another way of labeling a woman a prude if she doesn't go all "Ra! Ra! You go girl! Fuck up your lungs and your liver! So empowering!" when hearing about smoking and partying all night?

For all you know the daughter is not "strict", but concerned. However, since all we do here is speculate, we will never know.

Can't believe I'm actually reading this fgs. Tell her to bloody grow up. How on earth is she actually going to function in the real world if she can't even deal with something like this without getting upset?