My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

That’s a fair point too.

god, parenting is hard

There is no age bracket on it, it can also work both ways with the parent and the kid. But she is at uni so it can't be that bad. I think she just loves you a lot.

She isn’t one for crowds or noise. She’s like my DH more than me. He’s an introvert and likes routine and would happily never leave the house.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. She says she is happy but every now and then I wonder if there are other issues

The rigidity reminds me of the autistic people I know including my DD, I would find a sensitive way to approach it.

I'm sure at uni they will be probably even be a support group.

I have a dd who is late diagnosed autistic op, and it certainly sounds like there are grounds for an assessment.

How is your dd getting on at university? Has she made friends there? Does she pursue any interests outside of her course work?

Perhaps post on the ND board on here and ask for recommendations for some good reading matter, so she can read up on ASD.

It may be that she is just a bit introverted, and slightly behind in terms of social development because of her nature, and owing to the pandemic, and she will catch up eventually. Everyone matures at a different rate.

On the other hand, if she is ND, then it can really help to know, so that she can put strategies in place to help her navigate life, and also it assuages somewhat the awful self blame.

You don’t just grow out of attachment issues. Many many adults have them. Not saying that’s ever this is as there are not enough details here for that but I wouldn’t say it is typical behaviour for attachment issues.

Yes she sounds ND. Obsessively adhering to social norms and enforcing it on other people, getting them to change their behaviour to how they 'should' act is definitely a sign. It's a bit misogynistic to assume your Mother doesn't have a personality outside being a Mother really a well. If you can somehow get her to see a therapist then that would really help her, and they would give her a diagnosis.

That’s very weird. I love hearing my mum and dad’s party stories. I would understand if you were talking about sex, that’s gross. We all like to think our parents didn’t have

It sounds like she is a very black and white thinker? Your her mum therefore cannot be anything other than her mum. She could be ND, might just be weird. Either way though you can’t be letting her dictate what you can and can’t talk about by storming off, it’s your bloody house! Maybe you should throw a rager with your husband so she can see you absolute party animals in action.

Don’t censor yourself OP, she needs to accept that you have a past as well all do and that a human being rather than just a mother.

I wouldn't put this down to being ND at all. I'd put it down to a 21 year old now who's a bit bored of hearing about how much a party animal her Mum was and how her life seems so boring in comparison.

It’s strange, and not nice for you that you’re put into a little box. I suspect she’s ND

Just my opinion but I wouldn't start the convo by asking if she was happy. If I was a yound adult in her shoes, that would have made me feel defensive and surley. She can also be ND and be happy, but it isn't neccessarily cut and dry.

Not trying to be critical at all, as you sound like such a lovely person and a great mom, but I wonder in a way if you have made a bit of a mistake by going along with this for as long as you have. I understand why you did - we all just want our kids to be happy, after all - but I wonder if it has in some ways inadvertantly reinforced your daughter's prejudice?

Even the term prejudice - i don't mean to offend by using it - but I think that's what it is? I assume she doesn't subject your husband to the same scrutiny?

You definitely need to address it with her I think, if you feel able. Other posters have mentioned possible asd, which is definitely worth looking into.....

I also wondered, is she a part of any faith group, or has she expressed interest in any religion? The views she expresses sound quite akin to a very conservative Christian or Muslim, from my limited experience.

And obviously, if she is exploring a faith, that's fine and completely her choice. BUT she in no way has the right to attempt to control you or judge you for your previous actions, whatever her (possible) religious beliefs.

sounds like she needs to grow up

Your past is your past.
You cannot alter it.
Ask your daughter what she expects you to do about something you literally cannot change.
She can get over it or not.
This is her issue - please don’t allow it to become yours.

I think she knows she doesn’t quite fit in somehow. It’s possible she has already read up about ASD but isn’t ready to face up to the stigma.

She’s happy and comfortable in her safe space with you at home.
Uni life must be so hard for her but she masks a lot as she must have done at school but it’s harder at uni as tyres so much more freedom to try life out with all its possibilities.
She looks forward so much to coming home where she can feel normal again and not have to mask at all. Home is less of a reminder that she feels different because you both accept her and love her the way she is and I’m sure you make some adjustments so she feels she is normal, albeit more like her dad in personality type,
But then at home, she hears you talk about enjoying a young persons life when you were her age and she’s reminded again that she doesn’t somehow fit in.
She would like the world to adapt to her way of being and thinking rather than face her problems herself. It feels too hard for her to make the leap to asking for help because she has too much on for now with her studies and masking when she has to. It’s exhausting for her and she comes home to rest from all that which is why her reaction is so severe.

OP, I think your DD would do really well with some form of counselling, guidance and support to come to terms with her difficulty so that she can love and accept herself as the lovely girl she is and so that she can be prepared to make the adjustments herself rather than demanding others do it for her. Maybe she feels it’s impossible for now but could face it after her studies are finished.

There has been some good advice from a previous poster @Vroomfondleswaistcoat about how to broach the subject with her.
Good luck !

There's something quite off, imo. Storming out of the room upset because dm and ddad were chatting about the past? At 21 years old?

Okay, so for context I am ND.

My mum is an extrovert. She is vivacious and charismatic and was "naughty" in her youth.

I have never policed how she talks, I actually listen for hours when she shares about her past... But I will say her personality type and the way she talks about her past is a bit triggering for me.

My cousins grew up in a very child focused home. There was a lot of active listening and catering for their needs. My aunt and uncle really prioritised them in every way.

My mum brought us along for the ride.

An example is that if we went out to the shops and she ran into a friend she would think nothing of standing there and talking for over 45 mins and we were expected to just wait. If it was lunchtime my aunt and uncle would have chatted politely for a few mins and then moved along because their kids had needs. My mum didn't think a very late lunch or us being hungry or standing around waiting was a big deal.

Or if we were waiting in the car she thought nothing of leisurely doing what she wanted while we just sat in a hot car (it was for a few hours at a time sometimes and before the days of kids having cellphones.)

There's a million examples I could give that are more serious, but I don't want to trauma dump in this post.

I'm not saying this is what you are like, but whether or not she is ND it may be that she is angry about a deeper issue and this is how she is expressing it.

I will also say that I can't handle being around drunk people and I find it excruciating. I despise the way their behaviour changes and I always think "lowered inhibitions" brings out the worst in people. The unpredictability of their emotions and the way it can change so quickly with alcohol is uncomfortable at best and terrifying with other people.
This is definitely a part of being ND I think.

Sounds like she's neurodivergent.
It wouldn't stop me from telling her to jog on when she's being an asshole though.

Could be ND... This does sound very immature for her age - I can remember feeling utterly disgusted at the things my parents turned out to have done in the life they had before me...

When I was 10/12 ish.

By the time I was 21, I had been going to parties and listening to stories of past indiscretions and poor choices (throwing up in someones boots - going AWOL with an army truck in Ecuador - the headless chicken in the tent from Peru - I mean some quality stories!!) from their friends, for years!

The transition from 'I am a kid and my parents are my parents, are nothing else/have never been anything else' to 'my parents are people who have had lives of their own and will continue to have lives that don't involve me so much' IS a tough one... but she definitely should be past that by 21.

I think you need to have a proper talk with her about this, and definitely stop treating her as if she were a little kid!!

It does sound a bit odd and an overreaction based on my own experience. My mum got done for under age drinking, and my dad got arrested and then went to court for the possession of cannabis in the 90s. I think it's quite cool having rebellious parents

How often does she have to listen to you reminiscing? Idk, if it was my kid and they didn't want to talk about something like that with me then I just wouldn't talk about it.

Does she mind your dh having a past or just you? Sounds a bit self righteous to me.

Sounds like she might be ND

If you decide to explore the possibility of neurodivergence with her please be mindful that it’s much more than a series of deficits and things that are wrong about her. The diagnostic process can be hugely damaging and feel like a dismantling of identity, or character assassination.

I’m sure, if you think about it (assuming that she is in fact ND at all) there are many positive characteristics that also point towards a diagnosis too.

On this particular issue, I’m going to disagree with other posters because I think you’ve handled it really well, with kindness and consideration, recognising her distress even if you can’t quite empathise with her thought process. I doubt there’s anything to be gained by being blunt and brutal.