My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

It seems a very young schoolgirl thing to jump on 'well you're just jealous' routine

If she is ND, it is more complex and not a case of getting a grip 🙄

Why would it be anything to do with faith? She is getting upset because of what her mum did. It is not directed towards the father.

Clubbing and partying if wrong are not wrong for just one gender.

Sounds like shes upset that you had a life while she doesnt do any of that? What 21 year old had views like that… not many!

My 18 year old DS was diagnosed with ADHD at 7. He’s a very quirky young man and a few months ago told me he thinks he’s on the autistic spectrum. I’ve asked if he wants to pursue a diagnosis. He doesn’t he’s “all good” 😊

From the sound of it OP actively avoids doing so. There's a difference in not being interested, and not being able cope with the fact your parent had a different life before your arrival.

ND or not, it's not realistic NEVER able to talk about your past experiences or memories, or for other people to bring it up, because she doesn't like it.

Its part of normal conversation, something might get brought up or you see something that makes you reminisce.

@TealSapphire

shes not a kid though is she, she is 21 - an adult. An adult that needs to get used to the fact that her mother is a person in her own right, not just her mother.

Why do you go after her? She's an adult that needs to get a grip. Going after her is tantamount to an apology for doing normal stuff when all you need to do is shrug.

You need to signal normality for her to find normality.

Maybe it’s less that she’s judging your past but comparing her present unfavourably to it. You say she is quiet and prefers her own company but maybe a part of her wishes she had a more active social life.

This. She likely hates her rather sad situation and hates being reminded of it, but rather than do anything about it she has chosen to live in a fantasy bubble and wants her family to live the same way. Sounds like she needs some help or she will end up an (even more) controlling nitemare.

My dd is a bit like this, she’s also 21. I have always been open about my past but I think she’s still mortified and can’t accept that I had any kind of life before having her. Dd has ASD and ADHD but is an intelligent person (just finished her uni degree), she doesn’t drink or party but has friends and a social life, just very different to how my younger years were. I had her when I was 21 so my social life kind of came to an end early. I have been single since she was 12 and now she’s an adult I have more of a social life again…l.which I think she’s even more mortified about.

My concern would be what she expects of you in the future. To some extent you don’t have to talk about your past if it’s a real provocation for her, though I do think she needs some kind of intervention or diagnosis. This is definitely not normal to react in this way. However, what happens if she does end up falling pregnant and having a child. Does this mean she will expect you to behave in a certain way as a grandmother, for example to always look after your grandchild while she works. What expectations does she have for the future that you need to manage proactively now?

IMHO you should explain to her that she shouldn’t judge: you or anyone else. Just as no one should judge her. We’re all different.

Your DH should be able to reminisce with you about your past without your DD getting upset. I often do with my young adult DC.

Did she tell you why she doesn’t like the thought of your partying days? Could it be a touchy subject because she wishes she could be more like you when you were young? Is it because she feels you say it to make a point she’s not doing that? Does she feel judged for being a homebird? There are fewer opportunities for young people to go out these days: less of a pub/drinking culture, can’t afford it, friendships can be online, (whereas in the past, young people had to go out to talk to their friends, so everyone did it).

It’s important to have friends. Does she have any friends she sees regularly? What did she do at uni? If she’s not one for going out to busy places, could she find other ways to socialise to make friends? Some sort of outdoor hobby (sport/dance clubs, music, art, community gardening, walking group, volunteering at an animal sanctuary or stables, book club) where she could meet friends who enjoy similar things.

Finally, if she’s 21, you and your DH should be able to rebuild a social life again. Both separately and as a couple. Including weekends away and/or holidays. While you may be happy for her to live with you, she can’t expect you to hang out with her all the time. You need a life of your own.

She shouldn’t become too dependent on you. She needs to build her own life independently.

@crackofdawnearly If anything this is the time people are usually curious of who their parents actually are as people! I’m 26 and now a mum as of September which adds to it, but when I was your daughter’s age and in uni I felt like the parent-child relationship takes on a new dimension as the child becomes an adult as well

I agree with this. She’s not a child. Let her go off. She’ll get over it.

Obvs be there to support her if she’s struggling, but I’d never indulge a hissy fit from a teenager or young adult. Just leave them.

My dc love hearing about my life before them. They see me as a boring old lady that likes garden centres so are highly amused by hearing of my youth before dc.

Is your dd jealous? Does she have a boyfriend and a life to look forward to with a career ?

It sounds like she may be autistic based on some of your responses. Girls present very differently to boys and tend to be more high-masking which is why they're often missed, or just seen as "quirky".

I speak from experience as I just got diagnosed earlier this year at 36. I remember having some very odd ideas about family and how parents should behave too!

You both need to get over it. You need to be able to talk about your past as it was — perfectly normal — and she needs to stop bullying you.

I'm not a psychologist but something sounds very wrong with the dynamic between the two of you and I she sounds very controlling and, as others have said, very likely ND.

Where is your anger with her and the way she treats you? Is she actually envious that you had a full, fun time at this stage of your life and she isn't? It sounds as if you feel the need to appease her. Don't. Assert yourself.

This is the time to start breaking the bonds for. childhood and preparing her for launching into the real world on her own. I've recently had to sack a young woman who behaved in a very similar, disapproving, fashion and bullied colleagues by trying to shame them for perfectly ordinary behaviours. She was let go before the end of her three-month probationary period. This behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud.

Is she abusive and controlling on other ways?
Just saying because abuse from children to parents is more common than people think…

I agree that your daughter sounds ND, OP. My ND sibling's behaviour was very similar to the behaviour you describe and boy, did we all suffer when we were growing up.

… and no, you need to consider all the behavioural aspects before you assume your kid is ND.

I have seen mothers of perfectly NT kids having to call police on their own child. A child with an over appeasing parent may turn abusive without having special needs.

Same , I am autistic so don’t know if it’s connected but I also don’t have a close relationship with them and it wasn’t a loving household

Definitely not a normal reaction. Could be that she is ND but either way she needs to be supported to nip this in the bud because this sort of behaviour - very high standards, black and white thinking, melt downs and adult tantrums when people don’t live up to the version of them she has in her head - will be very very limiting for her

It's okay to be blunt (I mean firm, not unkind) and say to her that you're a person in your own right, not just mum, and you're perfectly entitled to mention any aspect of your life, especially with all adults in the room.

Thats not what attachment refers to. Attachment is our behavioural and interpersonal and intrapersonal dynamic, we learn it at a young age and all sorts of things can compromise safe secure attachment

She may well be ND but thats neither here nor there, she still has to manage herself better, diagnosis or no diagnosis.