My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

I adore hearing about my parents getting up to mischief- working abroad and parties and whatnot.
Great reminder to ask them again.

Do not allow her need to control things, people, reactions, behaviour, the house, go unchecked.

It will grow, get worse and ruin your home.

Tell her this is your home and you will act, speak and do as you please.
If she isn't happy moving out will be best in the future.

Sounds harsh but being in your 60's with a domineering child who wont leave home is a thing, and really awful.

Don't tolerate it.

That is more complex for someone who is ND. It is not simply about being an adult and getting used to something.

@twigtree

what would you suggest?

How to broach this with her? Um, you nip it in the bud immediately!

“DD, what I do is none of your business and while under my roof you’ll show respect and gratitude for all the help and support we give you”.

Storming off, being controlling and making others uncomfortable in their own home. Did you, as a Wild Child, do that to your parents OP? She’s not perfect, and should be reminded of this.

If she is ND, it may well be very challenging for, but she still has to do that. Unless she wants to live a really stressful, unhappy, disappointing life. She has to learn the skills which mean she can be more emotionally flexible.

A diagnosis wont change that, she has to learn this regardless. She wont cope in work or in peer relationships

Does she get annoyed at your husband too for his past or is it just you?

It is strange to get so worked up over a story about clubbing when you were young.

Is she like that with jer friends at uni?

Exactly this. Who does she think she is?

which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be.

I don't see how pandering to her ridiculous attitude could have helped in any way?

Fair enough not to take your own child as your confident and/or going on about stories from your youth - you are a parent, not a friend. However, if the subject comes up and you make a random comment or discuss something with someone else, she is out of order to react.

She should have learned a long time ago that the world doesn't revolve around her, and little Madam attitude is not acceptable.

Can you imagine if she has the same entitled attitude at Uni, or with friends in general? She will piss people off and end up alone frankly. It's never in the kids best interest in the long run to molly cuddle them.

It’s not normal, I talk about these things with my dds all the time. Let her have her tantrum, you aren’t just a mum and shouldn’t have a past life or a current life she needs to understand that

Just ignore her when she does this. She needs to grow up.

@CynicalSunni

she can’t be, her peers wouldn’t tolerate it .

Has she been bullied? Particularly for appearance type things?

I only ask, because she seems to be angry at her "image" being tainted. Or what she thinks others might think of her if she isn't perceived correctly.

In her eyes, she has to "look" a certain way? And part of the look she needs is a mum as you've described?

I would suggest a diagnosis and if ND is confirmed then additional support that is specifically tailored to DD.

If she is ND, it is not a case of telling her to grow up. It does not work like that.

Yes but she needs to learn it in a way that is tailored to her.

It is not simply just get a diagnosis. It is about learning the skills tailored to someone who is ND. The conventional ways often do not work.

That isn't really an acceptable reaction. I can't quite work out why it's bothering her so much. Nobody's forcing her to go clubbing or smoke.

Some people in the fifties still go raving and do drugs at parties. And you haven't even done it for decades!

@twigtree

what would that “additional support” consist of exactly?

the thing is regardless of whether or not she is neurodiverse she needs to be able to tolerate and accept that her mother has a life and it’s just her mum.

I do find it odd the way that people post ‘sounds like ND’ as though that is the end of the matter. That might be a part of what’s happening but it doesn’t actually address the problem!

For context, I grew up with an autistic mum and two ND siblings. My experience with ND family members is that they don’t intuit a lot of social/relational information, so have to learn or observe it explicitly. This means they can sometimes can mistake social norms, roles or rules for being information about how people actually are, because it’s the explicit information available. It sounds to me like OP’s daughter might be doing this - as a PP said, seeing her as the box ‘mum’ and finding it threatening when she hears information that contradicts this.

If this does have ND roots, however, it still needs to be directly addressed. As it may mean that she’s struggling to understand that people are complex beings and dealing with this through being rigid, controlling and judgmental. This is a problem no matter what kind of mind you have, as it will make relating to others harder, and so living well harder.

You can address the behaviour compassionately and kindly, but still making clear that people are complex beings and to expect and learn to welcome contradictory or unexpected information about them. It might work to think of this as a skill and way of thinking that she needs to learn, a new kind of information and schema for what to expect from people. I think my mum did this naturally with my siblings, as she’d had to learn how to function socially this way herself - and they are all very functional adults! But it can be harder for NT people to realise it’s necessary.

I think your main problem is framing this as your daughter is "ultra strict" and has "strict views" concerning the family.

She is not your parent, your teacher or your employer and has no business submitting you to her strict views.

Her views are neither here nor there and I think a basic mistake has been in allowing her to think that you take any more notice of her "strict views" than you would of the cat's.

She is entitled to her views but not entitled for you to take notice of them and be upset by them. If she doesn't like that, she can move out and impose her "strict views" on housemates. I'm sue that will work out well.

She may not just be able to tolerate and accept her mother has a life.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy can be useful to help those who are ND develop the skills that are needed. There are other forms of support also that OP can find out if her DD is assessed.

It is more complex than that. The approach you are suggesting is not tailored to someone who is potentially ND.

Oh she needs to get a grip. It’s your first time at life too!

that said, there must have been an element of her always seeing you like this to be so upset by contrast. Could it be possible you have built a rod for your own back when she was younger? Were you uptight or prudish?

I say go rogue. Get a nipple piercing and line a bar end to end with tequila. Relive 😂

Have you read the OP's posts? It is not necessarily a case of getting a grip 🙄There is possible ND,

No, it is not complex and we could all say we are potentially something-that holds no weight.

Too often, these "potential" things are used as a tick to beat others with, while those been beaten dare not open their mouths.

The OP needs to change her mindset and not allow an "ultra stict" adult daughter to lay down the law and upset her.

If I were the Op, I would start loudly reminiscing about the time I swung naked from a chandelier while a man and woman from every continent in the world waited to have sex with me.

I would tell her it was great fun and how I'm hoping to do a partial reconstruction of the event with Barry and Elsie from down the road and she can join in if she likes!

She might pack up her "ultra strict" views and piss away off. Result!