My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

I'm curious as to how you could raise a child for 21 years and only now question autism.

I think most mothers would say their daughter thinks like that. It ain't no coincidence your sons don't give a hoot. Girls are more emotional about most things that happen around them. I have 3 and they all have opinions.

And who are you to question? People get diagnosed as adults you know.

I'm curious how you have got to whatever age you are and not be self aware at how you come across as seriously judgemental? How could your parents raise you and not see how lacking in empathy and understanding you appear to be.

Maybe worth saying that you know you're different people and she's not obliged to go to all night parties if she doesn't want to - might be she's worried you're expecting her to enjoy the same sorts of things you did.

Another thing that could be going on is if she's had friends at uni start similar stories of parties that turn into either explicit discussion of the sex they had at the party or afterwards or perhaps of terrible endings - sexual assault/ property being stolen. You can reassure her that nothing worse than a hangover / expensive journey home / missed deadline happened to you and you're just talking about a good time.

It is definitely her problem. We all got pasts and what you did before you had her is just that. I agree with the others this is not normal behaviour

How many who are liking this are wishing that the laugh emoji was back 😂

As soon as I read this I thought she sounds autistic.

My son was diagnosed at 3.5 (now 14). My daughter has just been diagnosed at almost 27. Girls present very differently and I now know how much she masked. I knew nothing about autism before my son and had a lot to learn and I STILL didn’t spot it until she was in her early 20’s.

I kind of get this… kind of. I have ADHD and I feel for me if my parents were talking like this it almost comes from the place of needing safety and security on my part and that this seemingly reckless behaviour goes against that and I wonder if that’s the problem for her? It’s really hard to explain but for me it’s the inconsistency in behaviour and the thought of being out of control in a situation that would make me feel unsafe and insecure and as her parents she expects to feel safe around you so I think she finds this side of you difficult to assimilate. That probably makes no sense at all and I can see how it might sound weird but that’s how it would make me feel.

That wonderful to hear. It seems quite an unknown thing and I’d only heard of it in passing once but it stuck with me for some reason. Understanding how our own minds work helps so much ❤️

It is not a case of maturity - it is suspected ND.

'Supposed'

For who? NT people? ND people?

I am curious how you could even ask this.

She is showing signs of ND. Presenting it as her problem doesn't help. She needs support.

You would think most mothers say their daughter thinks like that?

Wow

My immediate thought was ND when I read your post.

What are you on about please
yes supposed that's what I mean
I simply seconded what some else said in that line of that behaviour being a strange one
thanks

It's not wow it's a fact. My friends say it and my work colleagues. I brought 3 girls up and I have 1 son there is a massive difference in regards to temperament. My son will fight it out and that's the end of it with girls and women it's emotional warfare. I'm a woman myself I don't deny it. Look at Mumsnet brilliant example full of women and look at it most of the threads is full of emotional warfare and on a lot of occasions extreme. It could be over the most trivial thing and they are trying to plot. Someone asked me once why do I think there is no dadsnet I think the reason is they get on with it. Women need to gossip and plot.

Is she autistic? Or have some other disability as this is not normal behaviour

In London it's unusual behaviour outside of it if they are living in the country or town then it's not.

This is not just a female issue.

The OPs DD has potential ND issues. She is not trying to gossip and plot.

Just because you are a gossiper and plotter does not mean it is the case for all women .

She's a grown woman op has no business looking into anything. She needs a new hobby.

My kids find it hilarious when I speak of my younger days . Not sure this is “normal” at 21 years old , I’d personally ignore her behaviour and not pander to her unless you think this is something more

OP is already looking into potential ND.

Pandering is not an issue here.

Sounds like you should start looking into an autism assesment.