My DD is ultra strict and judges my past

[crackofdawnearly]

My DD is 21. She’s always be sensitive about me being anything other than her boring and safe mum and holding that ideal, which I’ve accepted and am in turn considerate of it as much as I can be. She has never liked knowing about going out clubbing when I was in my twenties or smoking or drinking. It’s not like I was wild, just a typical young person having a life, but it upsets her.

Tonight my DH and me were talking about the night we met and DH said something about my smoking back then and referenced the all night party I went to the following night. DD got upset again and stormed out the room. I went after her and we talked calmly for a bit about it and how she finds the thought of me partying upsetting and I gently tried to rationalise that I did exist before her and how I was was normal. It’s like she cannot accept I’m anything other than her mum. This shows itself in other areas too.

AIBU to think she should grow out of this?
or

AINBU and she needs to accept I’m more than her mum and was young once

Is she horrified that she was actually conceived through intercourse? You are entitled to a life!

Yes this!

There is a lot to consider here oo.

I would begin by asking open questions about what university life is like for her? Does she go to parties and if she does what are they like? What are her friends like? Really listen to the answers, what is her life actually like, and is she mostly quite happy or are there issues.

The fact she is spending the whole summer with you and not seeing any friends at all would really worry me.

What is she doing every day to socialise? Even choosing to stay at home instead of with friends at uni is highly unusual. Must enjoy their new independence.

Does she have a boyfriend? Love interests? Is she developing normally in that sense?

Ibthinj your party talk is touching a raw nerve that she is doing none of that, her life isn’t being perceived as normal - maybe even by her.

She could just be very introverted, and not happy with it. Or ND. I couldn’t say but at 2- I would expect her to see friends over the summer. Does she have any?

I remember being a teen and had a nice, well-brought up group of schoolfriends, and I felt we were quite different from the rather bitchy in-crowd who all smoked and drank.
Once my group was planning a party and I was surprised to hear them planning to get booze. I had felt that we weren't 'like that' because we weren't like the bad'uns. So... could be something like that? Has she experienced drinkers/smokers being unpleasant?

Although the wider picture suggests some neurodiversity.

I’d guess there could be. My DD is 17 and a couple of years ago something must have made me consider if she could be ND, and then it all seemed to make sense and I couldn’t believe i’d never thought it before. I sent my ex a message to say this might seem a bit out there but have you ever considered that DD could be ND and he replied saying yes, i’ve thought it for the last couple of years but didn’t know how to raise it, so I parked it. We both felt we couldn’t just ask DD out of the blue if she thought she might be.

Then last month she had an appointment at a London hospital for an ongoing health issue and we were there 2.5hrs, I was shocked it was such a thorough appointment on the NHS. Anyway the nurse we were speaking to asked one of the docs to pop in as we had also been refereed to endocrinology but as the doc was in clinic that day she just wanted to ask her if she should add anymore blood tests on. The doc spoke to DD for 5 mins then asked the nurse ‘any ND?’ and the nurse said no, but there are a few indicators so we will discuss this next time. The doc said yes I think we definitely should, and I was nodding and gave her a look as if to say yes, we really should. I was so happy as it opened up the conversation, and on the way home we spoke about it, DD didn’t seem to think she was, but I said well it’s definitely worth exploring, so it would be good to speak to someone as when you go to Uni, if you have any specific requirements, then it’s all documented, and she agreed.

I really do think she is ND, but it’s so hard to open up that conversation when they are older. I wouldn’t be chasing after her though it that situation, and i’d definitely speak to her and say that her reaction to this is a bit odd. It might be an opportunity to raise the potential ND if you think she could be.

OP I read your post and thought ND straight away.
As a pp said you could gently broach this. I would start with a couple of questions, very light. The leave it and come back to it after 2 or 3 days. She may give a negative or no response to halt the conversation but then be thinking it over.
I've 2 ND teens and more often than not they mull over something I've said in their own time, when it seemed to have been dismissed.
You sound like a great mum

To add, it is hard to broach, my younger DS was maybe 10 and rejected the whole idea at first. But now is glad to have the reason for his uniqueness.
Older one only discussed in the last year (age 15 then) as his presentation is subtle and he said "oh yeah I think so".

I was wondering myself how she coped with this revelation.

I think with ND and your child often there is a thing you see and then you can’t unsee it. It all starts to make sense. It does potentially sound like ND to me too. I have an adult DD who is ND and that rigidity around how things “should” be (even though with people being people it rarely is) is a big aspect of her difficulties. In honestly I would say I have some similar traits to her as does her Dad so I am interested that you point out some similarities between your child and her Dad.

I wouldn’t give this the time of day. How dare she? It’s hardly like you said anything that exciting anyway!!!

Parent of a ASD DD (and also an ASD DS), and to me your OP suggests ND to me. Could you watch one of the recent ‘am i autistic’ programmes with your husband when she is around, perhaps under the guise of your introverted DH wondering if it applies to him, and see if it opens up a conversation?

There is no excuse for her acting like this

Jealousy? Because you had friends and a social life and it sounds like she's having trouble finding either?

Or projecting issues she's having at university, like maybe she's surrounded by people who are always getting drunk and noisy and disturbing her?

This sounds like a trauma response and one I had around any of my ‘safe’ people letting their hair down. It felt really unreasonable but for me it was a huge trigger as I spent most of my childhood feeling really unsafe.

It didn’t stop until I went through counselling. Has your DD experienced any related trauma (not pointing fingers at you OP!) even much younger? People getting ‘wild’ around her and making her feel unsafe?

Easy fix is to not discuss it with her. If it comes up she needs to give you space, leave the room or stick on some headphones.

You can’t change your past and she can’t judge it if you refuse to discuss it with her.

I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and struggled with knowing my mum had a life outside of her role as mum. I think I feel safe when people are in nearly in boxes because I know what to expect of them?

My mum told me (kindly) to get over myself when I was much younger than your daughter. I think the worst thing you can do is pander to her, she needs to learn that she can't control other people to make herself feel safe and she needs to learn that now.

I wouldn’t jump to neurodiversity…it could be as simple as she struggles to make the connections and have the times that you did at her age. If she’s more introverted, like her dad, then it will be hard to hear (especially if she’s a bit conservative in her views on what is acceptable behaviour too!). Has she had boyfriends etc?

And if she’s 21, then lockdowns hit just as she turned 16/17…those were key years for us in learning how to socialise in more adult settings. It’s when all the experimentation happened really, wasn’t it?

Have you tried talking to her about it, OP?

Also late diagnosed ADHD but I was the opposite - I loved hearing all the crazy stories of what my mum got up to when she was younger. Made me feel like all the possibilities were right there and could happen and people could do or be anything. Like a boring normal mum AND someone who once distracted the Inland Revenue officers with banter and smokes while her Swedish boss escaped through a window with the books. It would spark my imagination and send me down some creative rabbitholes. Weird how the condition hits different for different people @Seventree - I hadn’t thought about it from that side before. But I definitely didn’t develop a secure attachment to my mum - did you with your mum?

Tell her to get a grip.

I think this is potentially a sign of being on the autistic spectrum. I have a colleague with ASD and though he is friendly and capable, he has super-high expectations of other people, in a way that seems out of the ordinary.

I think simply being introverted can present like this, especially if op is an extrovert. They like their own space, peace and quiet and don’t have a desire to party or get drunk. If she feels sufficiently close to you she is able to be direct and honest about her feelings around that.

Have you asked your dh? What is his take on it? He will understand this part of her far better than you.

I don’t like labelling unless it’s helpful to the person, ultimately she is what she is, and you can just tell her your history makes you who you are today and you won’t be shamed for it - and then think twice about raising it repeatedly. When there are extreme responses there is always a reason. Find out what it is. Being an introvert uni student that doesn’t enjoy parties can’t be easy especially in the days of social media!

I used to go out all night Thursdays and go to work Fridays without sleeping no problem (well no problem that cigarettes and strong coffee wouldn't solve)

my kids will not believe me! I think as well these days that social media is geared at staying in, recharge, pyjamas, quiet time and no over exertion in case it damages mental health.

no stamina these days 😂

Great post!

@EconomyClassRockstar

maybe she is jealous you’re right, but she should channel her energy into changing up her social life rather than being difficult with her mother. It’s not OP’s fault if her social life is lacking.

Sounds like ND. My DD has autism and is also very rigid in terms of roles and expectations but she only applies it to me and no one else. Everyone else can do whatever they want but I have to fit into a narrow role and set of expectations. She thinks that is perfectly reasonable.