DH is accusing me of cheating because DS “looks nothing like him” - wtf??

[Gamyerco]

Need to let this out cos I’m fuming. Been with DH nearly a decade, married 7 yrs, DS is 3. Out of nowhere today he says he’s been “thinking for a while” that DS doesn’t look like him and he’s not sure he’s the dad. Like… what??

DS has my colouring - brown eyes, dark hair. DH is lighter, blue eyes, dark blonde. But DS has his exact chin and same daft sticky out ears. It’s not like he came out looking like the postman.

Now DH is moping round the house, barely talking to me, keeps going quiet then saying stuff like “I just can’t stop thinking about it” and “maybe we should do a test”. I’m gobsmacked. Never even looked at another man. Had a bloody EMCS, couldn’t even walk for weeks after giving birth and now he’s chucking this at me?

Told him he’s being ridiculous and hurtful. He reckons he’s “just being honest”. Nah mate, you’re being a prat.

I honestly dunno where this is coming from. He’s never been insecure like this before. I think maybe it’s cos DS is all over me at the moment and barely gives DH the time of day, but still - accusing me of cheating? That’s serious. I’m properly hurt.

Has anyone else had this crap? Did you manage to move past it or is this the start of the end?

um … how is he like that then ?!

You don't need one assuming he's on the BC. He can contest paternity, but he'll be liable for CM unless he gets a negative test. And I think the CMS have certain services that they use so he can't fake it.

Sorry missed punctuation...I meant neither of us have the tall and slim build hes got the best of both sets of genes. The blue eyes and fair skin is genetic from me 🤣🙈

Genetics.... dominant and recessive genes... you very likely covered punnett squares in school at some point.

I have 3 girls who are all totally different. 1st is the spit of her dad nothing like me but still makes her mine as I pushed her out lol. 2nd girl is a very good mix of both and 3rd girl is just me lookings hair color and attitude nothing like her dad at all he has never once said to me he thinks she is someone else's as he knows how genetics work sometime they take after more of 1 person than the other.

Blimey OP! Having red all of your updates the evidence is clear, isn’t it? It hasn’t happened over night though, you’ve been watching it unfold in plain sight for some time.

time to get your shit together and protect yourself. Couples counselling is likely the only solution. I’m sorry but good luck op!

Oh I see! That makes more sense!

Things like height don’t work with a punnett square. They are continuous not just dominant/recessive.

Even a punnett square can’t explain genetics neither parent possesses for continuous data. But the poster has clarified what she meant now.

I would also bet money he's cheating. It's such a cliche that they project and view others with their own shitty moral standards. 😡

I'd say nothing for now. Nada.

But I'd definitely be trying to see his phone. I'd also be getting my ducks in a row to leave.

I appreciate that punnett squares are limited, and are poor predictors of some traits but, similarly, two short parents can produce a tall child (its just less likely).

I'm 6" taller than either of my parents.

Maybe a dna test and then therapy for your DH.

You may find that it is a projection, but therapy may get to the bottom of it.

Give yourself a set amount of time to see if you can forgive him. You must be heartbroken.

Sending a virtual hug x

NO personal experience but the manosphere advises men to always get a DNA test, because so many women cheat (allegedly). If the woman refuses this is taken as proof she cheated and is trying to get him to pay to raise another man's child. "If she was innocent, she'd not refuse."
Has he been getting onto incel sites lately? Or has one of his mates been maybe?

Thanks again all – honestly this thread is keeping me sane right now. Haven’t said anything to real life mates yet, feel too raw, so it’s helping loads just to get it out here.

No, he hasn’t said anything to DS (as far as I know) but I’m watching like a hawk now. If I even suspect he’s putting this shite in DS’s head I’ll be out the door faster than you can say CMS. No way is my boy growing up thinking his dad doubted him like that. Not having it.

Re the phone – good idea. I’m gonna try it, when we’re calm enough to talk. Will tell him straight: I’ll do the test, but I see your phone right now. No warning, no time to delete anything. If he refuses, then I’ve got my answer.

And yeah, now I think about it, he has always dipped out of the crap jobs – nappies, night feeds, bath time. Says he’s “not good with that stuff”. But then sulks cos DS always comes to me. Wonder why eh.

I’ve had enough of walking on eggshells. Feel like this is the first proper time I’ve let myself look at the whole picture – and it’s not great is it. I’ve been doing all the emotional graft, all the parenting, keeping the house going, and now I’m being accused of cheating on top. It’s laughable if it wasn’t so bloody depressing.

Gonna try to sleep but doubt I’ll manage much. Just feel hollow.

God almighty- this! Came on to say the same thing. I’d be off like a shot.

Find strength in your anger and your decision to cut this absolute bastard from your life. Put yourself and your son first.

I'd add a condition.

You'll get the test and if (when) it proves his parentage, he'll agree to stop watching Andrew Tate and other manosphere types, in recognition of the fact that his absorbing of their bullshit has taken your marraige, and his relationship to his son, to the brink.

This and counselling. Good luck OP.

You sound like a great Mum. Whatever happens, you and your son have each other.

How dare he!

Yes, dark is dominant but it’s not always the outcome.

I have brown eyes. My daughter has blue; like her dad.

My sister’s son has blue eyes. Both she and his dad have brown. His dad also has brown skin. He’s definitely his child! This is rare but it’s perfectly genetically possible.

My other sister has brown eyes and both her children have blue, like their dad.

His accusation is horrendous. Don’t sweep this under the carpet - it’s poisonous.

I went through something kind of similar...
2 kids, both their dad's colouring. But features look like my side of the family. Boy looks just like my dad/brother as kids but my daughter is my twin and everyone says it straight away. No issues raised.
11months after splitting and unfortunately while reading court papers i find out that I apparently had numerous affairs and he doesn't believe our daughter is his. Wants a DNA test. Just like you, I said yes for my daughter as I didn't want it hanging over her head. Sneaky liar then apparently went and did the dna test behind mine and the courts back and was 'proud and happy to announce' in court that she was his... no surprise there.
I've never cheated and he has no reason to believe i had given no free time whatsoever.
All about his Ego, and now I know it was actually him cheating.
I had obviously split already when I was told this, but I was devastated... mainly for my kids. I can honestly say if the father of my child said that to me while we were in a relationship... we would be done. That breaks all trust and respect.
Sorry you're going through this, just remember you haven't done anything wrong, listen to your gut and get the dna test just so you have the paperwork for your child (i have never been supplied any paperwork... suspicious). Good luck.

I agree with speaking. That the marriage only continues with a full grovelling apology and a pledge to not access that poisonous nonsense misogynistic content anymore particularly as you have a young son. He is clearly easily influenced not particularly bright and doesn’t have the critical thinking abilities to be able to use the internet safely.

Asking for his phone at the same time you agree to a DNA test is the right call.

I mean what can he say? ‘Don’t you trust me?’ Ummmmm…

I’m sure he’ll then say no I was being silly I know he mine just to stop you accessing his phone but the damage is done. Tell him that if he chooses not to give you his phone after the outrageous accusation he has made against you, you will assume he is cheating and has a guilty conscience.

Make it clear there is no coming back after this conversation as the trust will be completely broken without full disclosure. But then you have to follow through and separate or your words me nothing.

How are you feeling today, @Gamyerco?

You must feel like the rug's been pulled out from under you! What he'd said will be almost impossible to get past, I think. Even if you manage to move past it, you might forgive, but you won't forget.

Sorry? Dont you dare get a test done! You know HE IS HIS SON!! Christ, say to him "Why do I need to get a test done when YOU are the one cheating!!!" Then dont say another word, he needs to fill in the blank. I would be fuming!!