DH is accusing me of cheating because DS “looks nothing like him” - wtf??

[Gamyerco]

Need to let this out cos I’m fuming. Been with DH nearly a decade, married 7 yrs, DS is 3. Out of nowhere today he says he’s been “thinking for a while” that DS doesn’t look like him and he’s not sure he’s the dad. Like… what??

DS has my colouring - brown eyes, dark hair. DH is lighter, blue eyes, dark blonde. But DS has his exact chin and same daft sticky out ears. It’s not like he came out looking like the postman.

Now DH is moping round the house, barely talking to me, keeps going quiet then saying stuff like “I just can’t stop thinking about it” and “maybe we should do a test”. I’m gobsmacked. Never even looked at another man. Had a bloody EMCS, couldn’t even walk for weeks after giving birth and now he’s chucking this at me?

Told him he’s being ridiculous and hurtful. He reckons he’s “just being honest”. Nah mate, you’re being a prat.

I honestly dunno where this is coming from. He’s never been insecure like this before. I think maybe it’s cos DS is all over me at the moment and barely gives DH the time of day, but still - accusing me of cheating? That’s serious. I’m properly hurt.

Has anyone else had this crap? Did you manage to move past it or is this the start of the end?

Hmmm… creative variation on the Script? Cos if he wants to find out, he could have had a test done, all on the quiet, without mentioning it to you. It’s nuts.

Yes - but you need to be in the driving seat.

If he does it totally by himself what's to stop him getting a swab (or what ever is required for the test) from a mate to throw the test.

And/or getting swab from another child.

Also for cast iron certainty include yourself in the test too.

His attitude shows a marriage threatening lack of trust.

All the best.

Keep it simple op. Offer up your phone and suggest you swap for the rest of the night... That way he can keep an eye on you...
When obviously it's for your benefit.. If he won't then there's your answer.

Suggest you mutually hand over your phones to each other, immediately. His response to that one could tell you a lot.

Sounds awful, and pretty shifty. The fact he’s watching that rubbish on YouTube just compounds it. You’d be better without him. Is there any way you can get a sneak at his phone in the night or something? I’d have to have a look on there…

I’d do a DNA test.

Just to shut him up.

Then I’d ask for a divorce.

That is so weird. Has he ever questioned paternity before? I am married 7 years as well. I'd be super pissed off

I would do the test and check his phone then suggest counselling and make him confront the Andrew Tate shit. If he's not willing then this is just going to happen again.

THIS!

Do you think he never bonded with him properly & he’s looking for reasons why?

Wow that’s a pretty huge marriage ending accusation to just throw out there. Is he usually quite thick? Does he fully understand the consequences of making grave utterly unfounded crazy accusations against those you are supposed to love?

F

I would do the test.

Then I would never let him grace my bedroom again.

are you saying he doesn't get involved in DS's toileting and leaves you to do it every time?
if so then the sexism/andew tate women's roles doesn't seem to be a new thing.
plus no wonder DS is less comfortable with him - if he's not around doing the boring, unpleasant stuff he doesn't automatically get to be number 1 for the fun/cuddly parts.

I couldn't come back from this OP.

This!

What he has accused you of is a bell that can’t be unrung. No way, would I get a test done in order to prove my innocence, It’s giving credence to his accusation. If he thinks he isn’t the father, then he can get a test done to prove either way, but for me, the marriage would be over. The secrecy with his phone and his opportunities for cheating would be a big red flag for me. as others have said he’s projecting.

my dad said similar shit

we got tested

guess what, nasty dad is definitely the father of all of us - made up fiction to suggest otherwise - mum was keen to do the tests to prove him absolutely 100% wrong.

we don't speak to him as adults

I would disagree that it gives credence to his accusation. I would say that the mum saying "absolutely, do the test" shows she is 100% confident he's the dad. I have been in this situation with my dad saying he wasn't our dad. Course he was, DNA proved.

Everybody knows rationally that children come out with all sorts of features and complexions (and I'd imagine even the husband in this story knows it too), but online radicalisation is so powerful it gets you completely suspending your belief in basic, obvious facts.

My two sons look very different from each other - one has my darkish skin and curly hair, the other somehow looks like Ragnar Lothbrok with fine, almost white hair. But I don't watch Andrew Tate, so I don't then reach the conclusion that my dw has had a secret affair around the conception

I'm so sorry. My first thought was that he wants OUT of the marriage and out of any and all parenting responsibilities and doesn't have the courage to discuss this with you. Instead, he's making you reject him/end things, and then he will play the victim to the outside world while casting you as the villain. The cowards who do this often go way too far, wanting to make absolutely sure their partner HAS to end a relationship they've made intolerable and there's no way to back out. And bonus for him, when asked why the breakup happened he just says that the two if you fell out when he confronted you about pretending that the baby was his, garnering him sympathy for the ignorant. In his mind, he's not even lying.

Whatever else you do, consider telling him in no uncertain terms that there's no chance that the baby's not his biological child, and he can fully expect to be doing his half of the parenting for the next fifteen plus years including paying his share of the costs and doing his share of the work, and he needs to drop the insane misogynistic bigotry in order to parent a son. Then take the test but be prepared for him to start ranting about you poking holes in the condom, or whatever. But remind him, he hasn't just accused you of cheating on him, but also of lying, for years, about the most important thing in both of your lives. Not just to him but to everyone, including your son. If he ever was a decent human, he must be feeling at least a tiny bit of dissonance about this.

One of my DC looks nothing like me (I'm their mum!) so it's perfectly possible to be completely genetically related and look absolutely nothing like one of your parents!

Your DH has put one drop of poison into your marriage but that's all it takes to kill it.

Well that’s kinda what they do: create a reason for you to walk away. That way they get what they want but don’t actually have to take the plunge or wear the guilt.

To me, this doesn't sound like a accusation born from him being unfaithful. He sounds more like he's fallen down the MRA rabbit hole, and is well along the path of radicalization (as evidenced by his baseless accusations and the hurt they are causing his family).

I can somewhat understand lonely and isolated men (who arent inherently awful) getting sucked into this nonsense, but one with a wife and child? He's likely just instinctively very misogynistic, and the prominence of the likes of Tate now makes him feel emboldened to show his true colours.

Honestly, I couldn't respect someone like that or maintain a relationship with them, nor do I think there's likely any way back. I expect he will become worse over time.

Sorry, OP, but I think its ducks in a row time, and if you try to make the relationship survive, I think you will likely come to regret it.

There might be a slim chance of him snapping out of it if you take decisive action and separate, but I wouldn't bank on it.

FWIW, which is probably nothing, I've made an appropriate namechange for this post.

Well get a DNA test. You’ll need it to claim maintenance when you split up.

The incel stuff is bloody awful

I don't think I could come back from this op..he's accusing you of cheating, the worst type of deception with zero grounds just because he's got an idea in his head.
I could say many things about my ex dp but he never once questioned parentage and our son looks nothing like him - distinct hair colour (that neither of us have) fair skin, blue eyes tall and extremely slight when neither of us are like that!