To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

You find the job first surely

@Tripadvisor101 i don’t feel comfortable moving and starting a new job simultaneously. I want to be able to focus on dd settling in and her new nursery etc

There doesn't seem to be any emotion in your post, it's completely transactional.

@NoKnickerElastic yes because the post is about finances and practicalities.

Good, far too many women screw themselves over in situations like this by not being transactional enough.

It's not going to take 6m to settle a 2 year old in a new nursery / house.
Find a job first maybe delay start date by 4 weeks.
People move and start an new job all the time simultaneously

@DepositSaverUpper they do, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will need time to adjust as its a completely new area for me and I want to get used to that before deciding what works best for work

Why do you think it's going to take so long to settle into a new area? I've also had to move often in terms of my job/career and honestly, talking to new colleagues about the area serves as an ice-breaker/bonding as well as generally getting practical information.
We moved house when my DS was 2. He was settled in well within 6 weeks of the move. Do you think there'll be a delay in getting a nursery space? If so, start putting her name down now.
I can appreciate your sense of uncertainty about living together but surely this conversation has come up before now?

You don’t need 6-12 months geez
🙄.

I don’t think what you’re suggesting is unreasonable but I don’t agree 6-12 months is a reasonable timeframe to find a new job. You could start looking and agree a later start date nearer the move.

I don’t think he’s obliged to cover ALL your expenses while you take six months off work, as you point out, you’re not married. Maybe 1-2 months while you make the move but six months is just mad.

@10064a well done you for thinking all of this through before making such a big move.

That's not how the world works though. You either want to move to be with him, start a new job etc or you don't. This half way faff around doesn't work.

Focussing on getting DD settled into a new nursery .. what will that take, about a week?

Adjusting to a new area? I am assuming it’s another part of the country (not abroad somewhere), one bit is very much like another.

Is it likely that you'll be able to find similar, suitable work easily in the area OP?

It’s not going to take 6 months to settle a small child who already attends nursery, one month between leaving your current job and starting a new job is plenty to move and settle her in.

if you are having second thoughts about your relationship then it’s obviously a different situation and would suggest renting your property on a lease with a 6 month break clause to give you that security if things do not work out

How will you 'pay your way' if you don't have a job?

@RomanCavalryChoir i think so but I am in quite a competitive industry and often the interview process can be 2-3 months with various stages

I agree with you about taking your time. How much more does he earn? Would you be able to do your present job and work from home? How easy will it be to find another job that pays as well? Is the area he's going to going to have such a well paid job available? I'm worried about you moving and not being able to get a good job.

Would you rent out your home for six months? That would lighten the load. I wouldn't want my home to be left empty for that long.

How much equity will you be giving him for him taking on your mortgage payments?
You forgot to include that in your post

@dustygrey i wouldn’t be paying my way. I’d be making the financial sacrifice to enable DP to keep his job and have us all together

@Cromulent none as I’m already making a financial sacrifice by agreeing to move

@MounjaroMounjaro he earns nearly double but take home around 7.5k

Will you be paying him rent? The ‘transaction does involve 2 parties’. You don’t have to move, i cannot see why he should pay anything more than the costs he contributes to the raising the child. The pension request is unreasonable as you are choosing to not get a job quickly.

I understand why your post is transactional, OP. Nonetheless, I am wondering whether you don't need to ask yourself the question 'Do I see mine and DD's future with this man?' DP has made a suggestion. You don't have to follow it. You are entitled to say 'On balance, I'll keep the weekend stress to stay where we are and keep the job I have.' You are also entitled to open a conversation with DP about your future together. If marriage is important for you, that's surely a conversation you need to have, rather than coming to conclusions by yourself about the timing of such a conversation.