To think this is fair if we are not married?

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dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

@Genevieva ’by your age’??? What’s age got to do with it? A man can be on his best behaviour for years before turning out to be an arse. Doesn’t matter how old you are. You sound as if you’re saying it will be Op’s fault if the marriage didn’t work.

I don’t think I’d move. He made the choice to move far away for his job. Give up your home and £4k a month salary? Not a chance.

Obviously. I was just pointing out that a marriage without love isn't going to be very sustainable when life gets shit.

Just tell him that you think it’s too soon to uproot your and your child’s life for a man who isn’t making every effort to be near his child and not providing financial protection for the mother of his child.

Do you even like this man?

You’ve been together over 3 years, are both in your late 30s and have a two-year-old together. Is that really ‘soon’ to be thinking about marriage? Surely you know by now if it’s serious or not? If you don’t know if marriage would be right after 3 years, two as parents, then that says to me neither of you are committed and so why would you even think about relocating and giving up work to do so? If things don’t work out you could end up very vulnerable and if you try to move your DD back to your current area he could try to get courts involved to make things difficult for you.

In this situation I'd start to apply for jobs and secure a job before moving to live together. Then let your house out to cover mortgage costs. If the move goes well you can always sell at a later date, if it does not go well you still have your own home for security. It won't take more than a single month to settle your DC into nursery. Even in new home with your partner surely he will still pay half towards your DC nursery fees.

You can't keep your home 'ticking over' on £4,000 a month?

Is he willing to talk about marriage generally? Can he talk about when/if he'd like to be married? For you, if it wasn't for DD would you be interested in marriage/moving with him?
I think what you've suggested is logical and fair but it doesn't scream we are in a secure relationship, like you're waiting for the shoe to drop.
If he's not willing to discuss marriage and isn't sure if he wants to marry/ you wouldn't move if it wasn't for DD then don't move.

If he's willing to discuss marriage and can give a clear answer e.g. I'm confident I want to marry you, it's just with the move I don't have the space to think/plan then I'd move but only on the basis of your current conditions.

That is completely ridiculous. Unless there is a back story of issues, moving is a total non event for most two year olds. A stable home environment is far more useful and to have you suddenly available when she is used to you working, is going to be far more disruptive for her.

I absolutely would not be moving anywhere with my child unless I was already married.. basically end of ,no other discussion
He would either want me married or he doesn't,I'm not uprooting my life and my child's life to see if a relationship lasts ..fuck that .
For me it's married or I stay put

Another thought. You have been together for three years. You have a child. Your DP has moved for his career, presumably without talking to you about the future of all three of you. Now he has suggested you move to where he is. Again, from what you have revealed so far, without a conversation about the future for all three of you. Now, you are on Mumsnet, not only not having a conversation with DP about the future for all three of you, but finding reasons not to say what's on your mind to him.

I think the way to achieve financial protection is to secure the right job before you move - with a start date that gives you time to settle in your child.

Renting out your property on a role on lease - in case you want to move back.

Being honest and open with your current employer when you leave - again in case you want to move back.

Your plan at present doesn’t give you any security because your partner could just stop your payments. In sounds like a recipe for resentment from both sides.

OP, you would be mad to move.
You are financially independent.
You have no business moving your whole life without marriage.

Stay where you are and make him work for the relationship.
You have given up enough.
He has absolutely no reason to marry you when you are so happy to sacrifice so much.

Don't be silly. Stay independent u til he wants to commit fully to you.9

If he says it’s an unfair ultimatum then you know where he stands tbf

Once you have moved in with him ,he's got sex on tap ,a cleaner on tap someone to cook for him and your miles from friends and family,he has no reason to marry you then ,as he has all the balls in his court and none in yours .
Seriously stay put ,with the money he gives you monthly untill your married

Why don't you let your home out while you move to the new area & then look for a job? This way you're not dependent upon your dh and he doesn't have a claim on your home if he pays the mortgage in case you split.

You're still in a fairly new relationship & there's no guarantee that you'll be together long term. I'd be securing my financial independence for a little while yet because you had your child too early in the relationship.

In this case you are massively unreasonable. It is perfectly normal to find a job and move. Expecting your OH to fund your "finding your feet" time is just nuts.

But I'd understand not wanting to move wothout marriage on the cards.

As someone married to a medic this is not going to be the only time you will need to make a decision like this. From experience both personally and from friends/DH colleagues in similar situations, you will need to decide soon whether this kind of sacrifice is what you want and what you can tolerate in the future. It may be (if you are extremely lucky) the only time you have to move to a different area and leave a job you love. I have moved over 11 times and left many jobs/people for my husbands career. It was a choice I made very early on in our relationship and it has not always been easy, but it’s important to set out your expectations with each other early. It sounds like you have a lot to think about and the minutiae of financial detail you are thinking about is perhaps masking how you really feel about all this? I may be wrong but either way, talk it through and only do what you are comfortable with in the long term.

The more I read of this thread, the more I think you’d be crazy to move an inch from where you are. Why would you?

The father has accepted a permanent position far away from his child. He wants YOU to give up your job, your home, have his DD move, so that he can carry on as he is and make even less effort to see you and his child because you’d be closer.

What on earth are you thinking, woman?? Tell him to move to you! And to his child! Why are you contorting yourself into setting conditions such as pension contributions when he’s doing absolutely everything to suit himself and nothing to suit you or his child? Are you desperate for him and only him? This is why your first post was so insane. This is unusually imbalanced.

(And if you think you’d need 6-12 months to settle into a new town in the same country, you REALLY aren’t suited to this move. Everything is screaming no, absolutely everything: financial, practical, emotional, everything).

I gather that he has limited choice in where his placements are as he’s a doctor?

if I were you I would stay put until you’ve found a job you’re happy with. Give a start date that gives you 2-3 weeks to settle into the house and dc into nursery. Keep your house on and rent in case you need a fall back then review in a year. Move in and spilt costs according to earnings (70/30) or whatever.

Quoting you but really responding to everyone who has assumed the man is a doctor: OP just referred to “medical”. He could be a pharmaceutical rep or something for all anyone knows.

I’d be making the financial sacrifice to enable DP to keep his job and have us all together

if you are ready to make financial sacrifices for your family unit, I would encourage you to consider that you are very much overdue for marriage.

marriage protects the financially weaker partner. That’s what it’s for.

Apologies if someone has already asked and you’ve answered but….Honestly and hand on heart , do you love him to enough to move 4 hours away and give up your job, home etc? Please don’t just do it for your daughter, you need to feel confident and happy….but then I’m an old dinosaur and a bit risk averse but I completely agree with getting finances sorted for yourself !! Good luck xx

You would be a fool to move without either a job to go to or marriage (and if focus on a job personally). What is after your year off you can't get a job, then what?

Having just moved (to a new area) and started a new job yes it's hectic but doable. As others have said delay the job start by a few weeks or a month, your partner can get the home set up before you arrive anyway so it'll be a lot easier from that perspective and will be there to help settle your DD. Honestly if I were your DP I'd think you were being ridiculous deliberately taking that amount of time off just because you're moving.