To think this is fair if we are not married?

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dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

Medical does kind of indicate a doctor. She says neither of them is ready for marriage so a proposal is irrelevant.

If you find a job first, there’s no need for any financial sacrifice.
Your DD will be absolutely fine settling at a new nursery - she’s only 2! Playmates are playmates.
The time off you are wanting/expecting is totally unreasonable. You need a couple of weeks, tops.

Talk about first world problems xx

That s a lot to give up with no security through marriage. And even if married it is giving up financially to rely on him and move etc
Do not give up a 4k a month job.
And a nice flat etc settled in.
Maybe wait while dp establish establish in new job. What if he decides on one year to move? What if he decides is not for him? Do you actually want to move to that new area?
He as medical can work anywhere right? So why isn't he looking for a job near you?

seem to completely overlook the huge advantage to your daughter of having her parents together.

Well daddy could solve this by looking for a job close to dd not 4 hours away?!
Why is on op to uproot?
Daddy seems very mobile and deliberately choosing to seek work far away and make op uproot her stability

This is absolutely spot on.

Surely the sacrifices of moving and leaving a job are worth it as the reason for the move is having the family together?

My partner is exactly the same and it doesn’t feel like a relationship. We have kids and she makes sure everything is 50/50 unless it’s in her favour. We’re house mates that have kids together.

For me OP, yes it’s wise to make sure you’re comfortable with the move, but think about the reasons why you’d be doing it. If you don’t want to leave your job and that’s more important than the kid being with you and dad then just don’t do it. But I don’t think it sounds like you’re invested or have much faith in the relationship from your first post.

This

Resident doctors have to move around. After that they can choose even if it means being a clinical fellow or locum for few years. They should continue current arrangement until the dad is certain he has to be in that location forever

Which is never. Nobody could possibly guarantee that they’ll spend the next 16 years in the same place. It’s ludicrous.

My partner and I have been together for 22 years without being married and we've lived together and shared a mortgage all that time. Relationships can be perfectly solid and stable without marriage, a lot less people are married these days.

My partner and I have been together for 22 years without being married, we have a mortgage together and are beneficiaries to each others pensions etc.
The thing that matters is whether you actually enjoy being together and see yourselves as being compatible and feel you have a future together. A marriage certificate won't hold a bad relationship together. Your approach this money seems a bit clinical. I was made redundant in September and was unemployed until beginning Feb and I never expected my partner to pay me money, he took care of everything financially whilst I job hunted.

How did a couple have a child together when they are so seperate and are seemingly only bothered about each others money.

Thats just a ridiculous take.

My partner and I have been together for 22 years and aren't married, people need to not be derogatory about unmarried couples which is far for more regular these days. My partner is my life partner, not my boyfriend after all this time! The OP sounds like they aren't that in to the relationship and that's not something a marriage certificate will fix.

But you presumably didn't give up a secure job to move four hours away from all your support to somewhere that you had no confirmed way of earning a living?

Thank you!! This thread was really starting to make relationships like mine sound worthless because my partner and I are 22 years together now without being wed! We've put financial safeguards in for each other and the best bit is that we are together because we want to be! We could walk away and yet we don't! We aren't just together because a marriage certificate makes it a legal hell to separate!

My mum was married to my dad for 50 years when he died and she still had a nightmare sorting out his financial affairs or getting access to any of his assets.

The post wasn't about you, and what in it was derogatory?

Is it? They've had a kid a couple of years back and yet the OP thinks it's still a new and not that in depth a relationship! I've never seen someone being so clinical and detached from the father of their child or believe that 3 or 4 years is a new relationship! Or want the father to pay them a salary and a pension!

That's not the point, you don't marry someone just to sink your hooks in to their money!

Trust me it's derogatory when people on here say that if you aren't married then you aren't partners, you are just a mug with a boyfriend that might dump you!

No but you also shouldn't make yourself financially vulnerable for someone without the commitment of marriage.

I don’t understand what’s going to take 6-12 months either. Your baby will settle within a week or two and then you’ll do… what?

definitely need a job lined up before you go unless you are incredibly employable. They would expect you to have a notice period so that gives you some time to physically move. Or spend the next few months having weekends there, take a couple weeks annual leave and walk around,
etc.

no reason he should support you 100% for months.

I’m not married to my partner either so I was not making derogatory comments in the slightest! That’s your interpretation of what is said, which is telling.

What I meant was that I would not move my entire life for someone who isn’t prepared to make a legal commitment to me. It could play out that OP uproots and changes her whole life and in a year or two he decides he doesn’t want to be with her. Then what? All that effort all that money and for what?

In the OPs circumstances, marriage indicates a lifelong commitment, which, if you’re asking someone to change everything in their life, is a minimum requirement in my view.

Married people are together because they want to be

Married people can walk away and yet don't

Divorce isn't legal hell. It's quite simple and easy paperwork that a person can fill out alone.

Exes being dickheads is what makes it hell, and this mostly happens when children are involved. Having previously been married protects both children and the more vulnerable spouse in the even of a split. It's yet another benefit.

Marriage is financial (and consequent) protection for the more vulnerable of two people. Your mum would have had many more problems sorting out your dad's affairs if she hadn't been married to him. The only way for it not to have been a nightmare was if he'd been able to prepare for his demise by sorting his affairs out ahead of time. Not having been married to him wouldn't have made the problems go away (the opposite)

If you feel your relationship of 22 years feels worthless because of things random people on the internet are saying about another couple, your relationship sounds really very fragile.

Exactly, she doesn't need a marriage certificate, she needs to secure stable work before moving.