To think this is fair if we are not married?

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dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

Same.

If it's important to you that DD has someone around and not working, your DP can take some unpaid parental leave whilst you settle yourself into your new role.

Ah, so you want to be the female version of a cocklodger.

I don't understand how you are happy to have a baby with someone but not be 'ready' for marriage.

as a pp said your post sounds transactional. how much you earn, what he gives you, what he might/might not give you.

Honestly in your situation I would not give up my house, job, independence etc if you're not interested in getting married.

He’s medical, you’ll be on your own most of the time.
Have you ever actually lived together?
Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

In your shoes, I would keep everything as it is for 6 months. Put feelers out for a job, try and make some friends, look at nurseries, get to know the new town etc.
Spend Christmas there and see if you can see yourself living there. Then take a 3 months sabbatical from work and live there, whilst keeping your place. And then decide.

This all sounds so transactional. Don’t you want to be a proper family above anything else? Why would it take 6-12 months to settle a 2 year old into a new home and nursery?!

I would be wondering why a permanent position was accepted when it is so far from you both…

This. Do you love him and want to be with him?

The more I think about it, the more I wouldn't move.

I can understand your lack of enthuaism for marriage as it's a relatively new relationship but it would give you the protection you need, and you would benefit if the relationship broke up as the lower earner.

I don't see what you'd lose by marriage, it really protects women in your position.

I think if I brought up marriage he would query how soon it was.

And if I said I wouldn’t move without marriage then he’d say I was giving an unfair ultimatum

But then why risk her financial independence as though they were married? It is a decision that makes no sense.

Find a job and agree a start date before you move. In your position, I would not be moving without a confirmed job offer.

How long do you anticipate this taking??

Unless you know that you can find suitable work in the new place I think you would be mad to move before getting a job. Surely you could negotiate a starting date that gave you a month in situ to sort out moving, settling etc?

It is a big sacrifice, and in your shoes I would hold on to as much of your own security possible. Not sell your house but rent it out if that is possible?

And alongside the sacrifice surely there will be benefits for you, financial and support wise?

If you feel the relationship is relatively new at 3 years, even with the caveat of LDR for part of the time, I think this is the real crux of the matter.

You have a well paid job and a mortgage - that is your protection outside or inside of marriage. Yet you would give up the job for 6-12 months and expect him to pay you to stay at home. That's you making yourself vulnerable. He could agree, you resign, maybe sell your place, move and then not pay you. Then you are stuffed.

Makes my point again -it's better/ easier to get a job when you already have a job. If that takes time to sort, then take that time where you are now. When DP got his permanent job, it took 6 months to find a job for me so he move down 3 months ahead. You don't have to move to him on Monday, there's no rush. Get the job, sort the nursery, sell / rent out your place and then go.

Ime you need to be quite clear with men if you want to get married. Course they will happily coast along without it.

you have a child with him - it's hardly too soon. If you want to get married state your boundaries - I will not move in with you unless we get married.

@summerscomingsoon what if he’s defensive and says I’m giving an unfair ultimatum? That means we live in limbo as we currently are or the relationship ends…

Ok its not an ultimatum at all and the fact that you and he would both think that makes me despair.

It is not a threat—its is a condition. If I walk into a store and the merchant tells me the price if a good that is not an ultimatum. It is a condition of the transfer of ownership of the good that I pay the merchant’s price.

You are a free and independent actor. A reasonable condition for you to risk financial independence and lose friends /supports during this move might be marriage as that affords you legal protection. If you have much more money and security than he you might not choose to set this condition. But it is in no way an ultimatum.

ERA: by the way “do what I say or I end the relationship” is an ultimatum. It us he who threatens you not the other way around.i would have dumped his sorry ass long ago.

The order should be 1) secure employment and then 2) move.

But that is only if you are absolutely committed to moving. If you are not, carry on as you are until you feel your relationship is well enough established.

Alternatively, he works at his placement for as long as he needs to and then he looks for a new position in your area.

If the process takes 2-3 months to interview for a job start looking now? When you get a new job a month or 2 notice to start is not uncommon surely this would be enough time to settle? Have u researched childcare availability in the new area? It sounds like you are expecting him to fund a 6 month career break to compensate you for moving sorry I think YABU to expect this and when unmarried I wouldn't be giving up work, pension contributions etc with no guarantee it will work out

I understand that but there's nothing in your post that even hints at you wanting to move you're, only that your DD would benefit. No great love story here!

If he ends the relationship because you say you want to get married then you know where you stand.

And if you are even the slightest concerned that he may do that then please don't give up your independence for this man.

You are in a good position - you are financially independent with your own house, child and an excellent job, don't be too keen to give that up. Especially for a man.

So not ready to get married, but ready to share a child….🤨

I wouldn't be moving without a job in new location, otherwise your putting yourself in a finically vulnerable situation.