To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

This is so messed up. I don’t even know where to begin.

Do you plan on moving in with your child’s father? You refer to “move to” him. Are you going to live separately or as a family?

What is your goal and what is his goal?

Are you doing the for the child’s sake or a family-unit’s sake?

The practicalities flow from these (and probably other) questions, not the other way round.

And I agree with a pp: it doesn’t take 6-12months for a toddler to settle in somewhere. It takes a week or two. It’s your job as her parent to make the transition smooth: have her new home ready, have a nursery place lined up, make the move hitch free, know where everything is. What do you envision, practically, as “settling in” for 6-12 months? Like, what does that look like for you?

I wouldn't move without a job. Too risky. You can surely negotiate a start date to give you a month or so to settle in.

Are you going to sell your place of rent it out? Are you going to be contributing to your dp mortgage? As you’re not married it will go to his next of kin if he passes away. If you split up you won’t get anything so do make a legal agreement on the place you will live.

This - what do you get from the move other than being a family and why is he so far away

There is no real ‘financial sacrifice’. You could just start a job within a month of the move. Children adjust very quickly in my experience.
Expecting him to pay your pension is taking the piss

I think you would be mad to move and give up a job paying £4k a month without the security of marriage.

Is the 6 month period testing the waters to see if you can live together?

Otherwise, I'm.not sure why you wouldn't rent your existing property out, so it doesn't require 1.4k maintenance from your DP?

I do agree you're making sacrifices for the family while unmarried, so you're wise to be cautious & not end up dipping into solely your savings if you want to keep you other house empty - but 6 months is perhaps a bit long.

Honestly, you don't sound sure. Do you want to move and be with him or are you doing it for your DD?

This.

I do agree that if you make the move he should be contributing to you financially so that you are not the one who suffers. You are already sacrificing by agreeing to change jobs. He should cover your losses from moving.

however, 6-12 months of not working is ridiculous. Find a job before you move and give yourself at most a month to make the move and get your child settled.

Did he consult with you before looking for work somewhere else?

Do you want to move in with him? Do you see each other as life partners?
Do want to move 4 hours away, never having lived with him before?
Has he stayed regularly with DD so he knows what to expect when you both move in with him?
You seem to be risking an awful lot so I understand why you would want to keep your home ticking over just in case. However it (obviously) makes you seem not fully committed to the relationship which might not be the right way to begin your life together.
He would be paying for everything-£1400 for an empty house plus all your housing and living expenses until you get a job. That doesn’t seem great from his perspective.
I think you need to find a job sooner rather than later, put tenants in your place to cover the mortgage, and commit to life together.
Or don’t do it if this is not the right decision for you.

We moved when my daughter as 2. I took 2 weeks off work to help her settle. The first week we did settling in sessions at the new nursery, the next week she did slightly shorter than normal days whilst we sorted the house and the third week I went back to work on my usual hours. I didn't have to move jobs though.

I'd look for a new job and give yourself 4-6 weeks to move and transition. Most jobs would expect 4-12 weeks notice period for moving jobs. I wouldn't uproot my life without a job lined up. I'm in a niche field and was made redundant in Feb alongside 2 others and in that time 1 completely suitable job has come up and that was a favour from an old colleague who persuaded his company to open up a new position. One of my other colleagues got it. I'm facing a 1-2 year career break as I'm also pregnant. I have the security of being in a civil partnership with someone I have been with for nearly 20 years. I would be a lot more nervous if I was in this position with a newer untested relationship.
I think you are absolutely in the right that you need to have a discussion about the division of finances before you relocate. Have you given any thought about what would happen if you found you couldn't live together?

Even if he paid you for 6 months you would be crazy to give up work for it. You are unmarried chasing his work.

Also bonkers to need six months to settle to even try to find work but I think deep down that might be a nice little excuse to not move rather than owning that you don’t want to month.

Why doesn’t he try and find a permanent post near his child rather than making his child and partner move across country. Not like medical friend only exists in tiny places. It’s everywhere.

Makes sense not to sell your property for a while till you see how it all works out. Agree though that 1-2 months is enough settling time. And not sure why you're not either of you 'ready for marriage' when you've had a child together!

I understand protecting yourself. But taking 6 months off work whilst making it his responsibility to pay your expenses, including pension contributions is taking the absolute piss.

You do what normal people do. Take the risk, move, and look for a job whilst being dependant on him. Or find a new job, agree a (possible delayed) start date and move under your own steam.

Making it all his responsibility whilst acting as though you’re doing him a massive favour is beyond cheeky.

Why can’t you live with DP, spend maybe 2 months (supported by him) to settle in and job hunt, and then get back to work? I can’t imagine having a child with someone and being in a relationship with them but still living apart

Do you love him and do you see a longterm future with him?

I think it is risky to move without a job. Once you have been there a while he will be able to stop you moving back so you will be stuck. If it then turns out you can’t get a job then you will be really stuck.

Look for a job that pays you the same as you’re on now or more, then there is no financial sacrifice. Nobody needs a year to settle in - what on earth will you do?! It’s unsustainable as you’ll busy yourself with activities you won’t be able to do when you go back to work, so will create a false perspective. You might as well start as you mean to go on.

Do you want to live with him?
Do you want to move to the area and make it easier for your child to see both parents?
If you end up breaking up, you can move out, keep the job, use the equity from your flat to buy somewhere in the same area enabling easier co-parenting (which would be a huge benefit for your child)

Or do you just want to give up work for a year and him to fund it? That’s fine if you do, but best to just be honest about it.

Yes to the PP once you’ve been there six month or so if you try to leave he can argue that is not your child’s permanent location and home and stop her moving over a certain distance away. You’d be trapped.

I'll be honest - if you were a friend coming to bounce this off me, I'd be questioning whether you really want to move in with him. So I'll ask you the question - do you really want to move in together ?

Would you want to if you didn't have your DD together?

Two year olds are remarkably resilient and don't need 6-12 months to settle into a new house or nursery (unless there's some medical / SEN diagnosis) and you know as well as I, that it's always easier to get a job when you already have a job. So is this about you not being sure ? It's totally fine if this is the case - it's a big step moving jobs and away from an area you know well. But if you see this man as your future, this should be a time of excitement and adventure, not asking him to fund your pension for a year.

Did you talk through the future when he started applying for permanent jobs, presumably consultant level. I know DP & I did and I pulled 2 vetos, (including one overseas) other than that the options were nationwide.

I do think you are right to protect yourself OP, but this really seems quite bizarre.

You either want to move in with your DP or you don’t ? Keeping your house and renting it out is probably a good idea and I wouldn’t necessarily give up a job without one to go to. But surely you can start job hunting now and if you are successful then negotiate a month gap or so between jobs to make the move?

It does not take 6 months to settle a 2 year old into nursery and you into a different part of the Uk. We moved with 2 DC from the US and they were in school and DH and I into new jobs within a few weeks. It was fine. A month, 2 months max would be enough.

@10064a Could you take a sabbatical from your work for a month and trial living with him??

A month should be long enough to see if you get on well living together, and makes it easier to just move back if you think it wouldn't work or hate the area he has moved to.

Some good questions…I’ll try to answer them all!

The hesitance with marriage I guess is that the relationship is relatively new. Yes we have dd but large parts of the last couple of years have been him moving around for work so limited time in the same home.

I do want to move with him but I suppose I feel inclined to consider the finances as I know that’s the only protection I have outside marriage

I don't think it's a good idea for you to go out of the job market tbh OP.