To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

Or not move at all and stay put.

Why attack my solid relationship! My entire point was how unpleasant people can be about unmarried couples and you did exactly that! Why lie that I ever said my relationship was worthless? I said that people like you think my relationship is worthless! You just proved my point by attacking my relationship! Your mind seems very very fragile today such strange lies about my relationship! You must be insecure about your own relationship to make such stupid things up about mine!

I don't trust that it's derogatory to someone whose situation is completely different. You and your partner have been together many multiples of the time OP and hers have, and I bet you've lived together for a lot of that too? Probably own a property or at least have a joint tenancy, likely to be financially linked? OP still regards the relationship as being relatively new, and neither think they've been together long enough. None of these things are true of you.

The OPs situation is a pretty niche one, and most people's relationships don't look like that. Yours clearly doesn't.

What's telling? You are the second person on here that's slagging my relationship off! This is what I'm talking about! People desperately looking to fault an unmarried persons relationship! Why does my relationship deserve to be attacked because I suggested that marrying people just for money isn't all that nice!

But OP doesn’t want to get married.

Yes we've owned a home for 21 years. I aren't asking them to get married, that's the point, most people on here are telling this person to marry someone they seem quite cold about just for the money. Being married isn't going to guarantee riches when it ends in divorce and it's not great to be a money grabber.

While I agree with you that marriage is not going to fix this situation, it still has nothing to do with your relationship.

The OPs situation isn't remotely like yours, nobody mentioned long term, financially linked unmarried cohabitants and it wasn't logical to apply comments about her situation to your totally different one. It doesn't matter that you consider your partner to be your life partner, but it does matter that OP considers her own relationship to be a relatively new one. You need to separate those things.

I didn't say my mum shouldn't have been married to my dad, my issue is people pushing others in a not great sounding relationship into a marriage so that she might get a few more quid when it goes down south.

My dad tried to sort his affairs out, he did everything online and my mum wasn't internet or computer savvy. He was dying if sepsis following chemo going wrong and was too poorly to remember his passwords.

Sorry but am I talking Swahili? I'm not comparing my relationship to hers! She is very cold about her relationship that's now at least three years old, I don't know what your issue is but surely I'm not wrong in stating that this relationship sounds nowhere near close enough to being suited to marriage! My relationship isn't relevant so yes stop lecturing me about it and focus on what I'm actually saying! Nobody should ever marry just for the money.

I’d say you’ve got your head screwed on and need to have this conversation with him…
just ask him what this arrangement will look like financially as you don’t want to work for a short period after the move etc

You were speaking English when you replied to a post about the OP with a load of info about your own, very different circumstances. That's where the problem started. If you hadn't merailed, none of this would've happened.

You're not wrong in stating that the relationship doesn't sound suited to marriage, but that's all the more reason not to have made it about yourself in the fist place.

Your choice is not relevant here. You don’t have children and you (think) you have controlled for risk. OP does have a child and is accepting a high level of social and financial risk in moving to be with her partner. Her situation is different.

What happened, op

You are bu and sound grabby, you don't need 12 months to settle in, get a job lined in and have a couple of months off if you must.