To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

You have no protection at all without marriage. If he stopped paying you £1400 a month, wherever you are living, you would have to make a claim through CMS and, unless he earns a huge amount, you probably wouldn't get £1400 a month.

Giving up your job, moving to a new area and relying on his voluntary generosity for 6 - 12 months is not a plan for financial security. Whilst he should pay for the needs of his child he has no legal obligation to support you so if the relationship broke down you could find yourself homeless, jobless and penniless. You need a better plan, one with greater emphasis on self reliance, to protect yourself.

You are making assumptions about what he might say! Here you are getting all sorts of views about your situation. What you now have, if you want it, is the starting point for a conversation with DP about your future. That's very different to a demand for marriage if you move. When you are thinking of moving to a new place and changing jobs, a serious conversation is to be expected. If you can't talk about that together, it doesn't bode well for communication between you. What is puzzling me is that you haven't said anything about wanting your DD to grow up I'm the same house as her dad - or not. Your decision is critical to the kind of childhood she will have.

Rent your house out, that would easily cover your mortgage, so partner would only have to keep you until you got a job,the house will mire than pay for itself with the rent,start looking before you actually move up there.

^ this. 4k a month is approx £80k. Depending on your industry it may take several months to find an appropriate job

Can you take parental leave to trial living together for a few weeks?

How have we got to a stage where someone looking after their 2 year old for 6 months during a move is considered a cocklodger/not paying their way/not contributing/mad?

Why aren’t either of you thinking about getting married and creating a completely integrated life together?

Good.
Far too many women think with their hearts not their heads and get totally fucked over as a result.

This is what I’m wondering. Their relationship is like 3 years old now, if they had their 2 yo a year into the relationship (correct me if I’m wrong @10064a) That hardly seems like “too soon” for living together, even if they don’t get married ?

Because it's fine to be a sahp if both parties feel that's in the best interests of the unit and being the one who does the bulk of the childcare and domestic stuff is paying your way.

The job market in a lot of industries is absolutely dire at the moment. There just aren’t enough jobs to go around. I also work in a competitive industry and it took me and colleagues between 6-12 months and 500+ job applications to find new jobs in the last year or two. I would absolutely be locking down a job first.

It’s really not. By your age a year is more than long enough to decide whether a marriage would work. You have a baby together, so you are connected for eternity anyway. Either get married and move or stay put. Don’t give up everything you have for a boyfriend who can kick you out on a bad day.

Personally I wouldn't move. You've got everything set up where you are. When you move you'll likely be looking after him as well as your child, receiving no financial contribution from him, and facing all the stresses of moving. Why has he taken a job so far away from you? If he wants you to uproot he needs to marry you. If you don't want to marry, then there's your answer.

You need to get married.

Not a chance I’d be uprooting my life and moving that distance for a boyfriend.

He has to have some skin in the game.

Sounds like you will be heavily reliant on him financially. In a strange place with no income. I don't think you need a year off work to settle a child in anew nursery. I would just sit tight for now.

Do you are prepared to give up everything for him, but you think he isn’t prepared to commit to you? Honestly, putting your daughter first does not involve making yourself vulnerable by leaving your home, your job snd your friends. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: marriage exists to protect mothers and children because mothers are inherently more vulnerable than fathers. If he doesn’t get that then stay where you are. He can do the 4 hour drive.

Agreed, but for a relationship to work there needs to be some love because when the shit hits the fan, redundancy, ill health, loss etc its the love between you that helps get you through.

There can be both

2 year olds are resilient, it won’t take long to settle her into a new home/nursery. We moved when DD1 was 2 and she settled within a week, maybe 2. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to cover your living expenses for a month or so while you start a new job but I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to contribute to your pension when you are choosing to take 6-12 months to find a new job which is unnecessary unless you are actually not wanting to find a job and are wanting to be a SAHM in which case that’s an entirely different conversation to have with your DP.

If its even a question that he isn’t willing to excitedly marry you, frankly, I would break it off. It took four years for my dh snd I to agree on marriage but once we decided to be together it was obvious that we would hoose that for the safety and security of the children we hoped to have. In addition we had to cope with ling distance and conflicting jobs. So getting married was a statement that we would choose a joint resolution going forward.

He should be fighting to see you and dd all the time. If he would end the relationship to avoid marriage be is not at all committed to you he’s just offering to let his child’s nanny move in and pay his bills.

i’m thinking exactly the same! The Op is doing exactly what MN’ers lambast women for not doing, every single day .

So do you or do you not want to get married?

6 months to settle in a new place! surely if you work and your dd goes to nursery you will meet new people? what do you mean by settling in? doing up the house? finding where the supermarket is?

My question is why did he say yes to a permanent post 4 hours from where his child is? What was his thinking behind that?

Its a big ask for you to leave your well paying job and DD's home that she's settled in, to move 4 hours away and start over, whereas it seems that he has the type of work that would make finding a job anywhere relatively easy given he's moved around so much already with it.

Could he not get a flat near work for during his shifts and then travel back to stay with you at the weekends / during his holidays, with the longer term goal being for him to find more local work?

I wouldn't be keen to uproot myself, my work and my daughter's stability to move 4 hours away to start over, unmarried.

Three years is not a new relationship. I was engaged to my now DH three years into the relationship. You say you're worried he will tell you you're being unfair if you discuss marriage, but what's boggling my mind is you'll consider giving up all your security to go live with a man but you won't discuss marriage with him for fear of what he'll say. You need to know where you stand.
Also, why jump in and do all this right away? Why not take a few weeks off and go spend some time with him, make sure you're happy in the house, like the area etc?

I wouldn’t be giving up a secure, well paid job until I had another one lined up. Having just been made redundant, the jobs market is absolutely horrific - there are no jobs. I’m expecting to be out of work for at least a year.