To think this is fair if we are not married?

[10064a]

dp and I had a baby relatively quickly after a year of dating. Although unplanned we were both happy as we wanted dc and both late thirties at the time. Our daughter is now 2 and during this time she has lived with me while my DP has moved round for work (medical). He’s recently secured a permanent post and has suggested I move to him with dd. This would be four hours from where I am based and would mean I would have to find a new job. The reality is that while I would be able to find a job in time, I would need probably 6-12 months to help dd settle into a new home and to find my feet in a new area.

The predicament… DP earns more than me but I still make 4K a month. He transfers 1,400 to me a month for nursery and general costs. My mortgage is 1k a month and other expenses around 300. Would it be reasonable to agree to do the move on the basis he still makes the 1,400 payment so I can keep my home ticking over while 1. We establish living together and 2. I find a job locally in the new area? A further part of me feels he should contribute to my pension for this time too as it’s me making the move and therefore the financial sacrifice and risk.

I think dd would benefit massively by living all together and that in the long run I would probably have a less stressful existence…at the moment I am doing everything mon to Fri for dd with work as dp lives so far away.

For context I don’t think either of us feel ready for marriage and I don’t think it’s reasonable to force that as a condition to moving in together.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this!

I think you're being very reasonable!

It's a lot for him to expect you to give up your job and friends and move so far away for him. It's only fair that he helps you financially for the first six months until you get your baby into a nursery and find yourself a good job. My worry would be that you might not get as good a job on as high a salary.

Honestly, if you as a couple were going to last long term, this would not even be a question. Being ‘too soon’ would be fair enough if you were in your 20s and didn’t have a child together. I think the general wisdom is that, once you get into your 30s, if you don’t at least plan a marriage within a few years, he’s probably not that into you. And that’s without a child in the equation. You must be 40ish by now judging by your first post and if you don’t know whether you want to marry him and vice versa by now, with a 2-year-old and settled careers and a clear knowledge of who you are and what you want, then you shouldn’t be upending your life to ‘test the water’. If he isn’t super-keen to marry you to give you security and, frankly, because he can’t imagine life without you and your child together forever, then he isn’t ever going to be. If you aren’t bothered either, that’s fine but go into this with your eyes wide open - its a convenient thing while you raise your child and you’re unlikely to have a long term future together. Ask for whatever financial security you need based on that knowledge.

Oh it's too iffy for me. At 40, one child, no ring.

Sounds like you fancy a nice sabbatical funded by your DP because you think he can afford it. You don’t reasonably need anywhere need that amount of time to settle in. You’re not making a sacrifice you’re making a choice and having year off. Which is fine. But don’t expect him to be paying your pension too!

You're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position by giving up your job, your home, your support network and your independence.

Personally, I'd be asking for £10-15k upfront in cash to cover your moving costs and other expenses and "insure" you against the costs you would incur moving back if things don't work out.

But you don't actually need the 1400 he would be transferring?
Why is it so important to you that he transfers it?

I don't think you should ask him to pay towards your pension! That's absolute cheek! 🤣

I think 6-12 months is taking the piss tbh. You should start to look for work and move when you have work and start within a month. A year to settle into a new area… you’re not moving to Mars ffs.

If you were together a year, then got pregnant and now have a 2 yr old you're together 4 years how long does he need?

Can you take a career break from work so you are not risking so much. I would have thought you would know where the relationship was heading after 4 years and one child.

Can you not find a job in the new place before you move, otherwise if the plan is you will be a dual working couple, having you initially as a SAHP will raise unfair expectations of you doing all / the majority of the domestic work. Start as you mean to go on. If, however, you really intend to give up work and get married, but want to give it a dry run, your plan sounds fair. I wouldn’t worry about pension contributions for 6-12 months.

I wouldn’t be a SAHP or work part time without being married. Someone I know found herself homeless with 100k from a property over 1 million after having 3 children.

I agree with others OP. The reason you are asking for marriage is not a threat, you are making a financial sacrifice and you need protection that he will hold to his side, consider it a legal obligation thats not just a promise and a prayer. Otherwise find a job then move. Xx

I think that's fair. Just say, listen I can't move up with no job as we aren't married and it's too precarious a situation as you could be a jobless single mother in a unfamiliar area if it goes tits up. Marriage is just a legal promise he will support you, to go along with his verbal one. Otherwise say I need to find a job first so that I am financially independent if we are to stay single for all intents and purposes. Xx

After you've had a child together the "too soon" boat has already sailed. Xx

Hadn’t he given you one though basically saying I have a job 4 hours away you need to give up your job and your house and move with me

was him moving that far away discussed, was it necessary is it where he is from?
in essence why did he move there?

because it is an awful lot to ask without any protection of being married or able to earn money. And you cannot and should not leave yourself that vulnerable

I wouldn’t be giving up what you have without the security of marriage, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. He could agree to anything but then go back on it all.

The general principle isn't unreasonable but the year to settle is.

Plenty of people stay home with their kids until age 3, 4 or right into primary school. Staying home with a toddler for 6 months during a period of significant upheaval is a perfectly valid choice.

I'm not sure I'd give up a 4k/month job without something already lined up, though (maybe good work is easier to come by in your field!) And personally I'm not sure I could justify staying home essentially indefinitely if my kid was spending a significant number of hours at nursery.

Would you rather be married? You've said a number of times that he wouldn't want to, but what do you really want?

I personally wouldn’t move without having a job secured as you’d be losing 4k a month with no certainty of earning that again/making your relationship work.

id probably keep my house, rent it out so I could go back there if it didn’t work out. Then move in and contribute to bills but not mortgage unless name on it.
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I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to say you need 6-12 months. I personally wouldn’t want to give my job up for that long without anything else lined up. It doesn’t take that long to settle in. I wouldn’t support a partner financially who wanted a year off to get to know the local area when it can be done on days off and weekends.

Why can't you just have a conversation with him about it @10064a? Just say "I'm really keen to relocate with DD and move in together, but I'm worried about the finances, especially for the first 6 months, so can we have a chat about how it might work, make sure we're on the same page?" Unless he's a total arsehole, surely he'll be happy to discuss, considering he wants his partner and daughter to live with him? And if he is a total arsehole, it's even simpler; don't move in with him!

I don't think 6 months plus is reasonable sorry.

I would find a job, get a nursery place and move. Both taking some leave to help DD settling in during the first couple of weeks.

I think it would be fair to say you want to keep your house and rent it out until you marry. He could keep paying for the rent/ mortgage on his place on his own to give you a buffer in case it takes a while to rent out.

You do not need 6-12 months to help a 2 year old settle.

That plus still wanting £1,400 a month does make it sound like you’re taking the piss.

This thread is a mess. While I understand that marriage gives some financial protection, it's not a silver bullet. My parents are divorcing after 40 years and the financial side is not good for either of them. Also if OP has assets and a similar salary, who is to say that she won't be worse off if they marry and divorce? DP might not have a house (I'm assuming probably not as it sounds like he's moved a lot), probably has a lot of student debt, and isn't on a much higher salary than OP.

OP, when I was in a LDR I was desperate for us to live together. I'm not feeling that you particularly like your partner tbh. Him being a doctor (presumably) is relevant as it can really limit work location choices, but is there potential for him to move closer to you? If it's a new consultant job it's not like he's necessarily settled there yet. Different if it's a training post, but if that's the case it makes even less sense for you to move.

Sorry I agree with others, yabu to ask him to financially support you and pay you £1.4K a month while you take six months to settle in. Job hunt first. Move when you have a job. Look at finances once you know you have a job, what you’ll be earning and how much nursery fees will be etc

I don't think I would move at all. You've got a good job and the arrangement you have seems settled. Saying that, if you want to move, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill in terms of saying you'll need 6-12 months just to settle in. I know this is not your ideal scenario, but it seems unreasonable to me that you would even consider moving without a job to go to.

Sounds like you want a year off work and for him to fund it?

If you WANT to move, you to research childcare and secure a job first. It's fair to ask to not contribute to bills while you sort out your current house.

If you don't want to move, don't. Focus on yourself and raising your child and he will have to work around you.

But you do not need a year off to settle a child into nursery 🙄

Were you off for 6-12 months when your child started her current nursery?