I got married yesterday and I can't stop crying.

[MoreThanOverwhelmed]

DH has cancer. (Diagnosed Jan 2024)
We were supposed to get married - at simple 2+2 ceremony at the end of the month but his Dr's etc encouraged us to bring the date forwards, so we got married yesterday in the hospital where my DH is being cared for.
I'm a week post major abdominal surgery.
We have 2 primary aged DC
It's our youngest DCs birthday this month.

I don't know what I want from this post but I can't stop crying.
I don't think that I know how break it to the DC that Daddy isn't going to get better and come home.
My head is swimming & I don't know what to do.

@MoreThanOverwhelmed my daughter stayed at ours after being told she didnt have long to go because she was too upset to tell her primary aged children. you need all the family around and I am sure your pil will be there as much as possible to see their son. their hearts are also breaking because you should never bury you children. every adult comes to terms with losing a parent but never losing a child. your children must be able to talk. if they keep it bottled up then it is worse and takes way longer to heal. xxpraying for you and your family.xxxx

That's so sad,I'm so sorry to hear that..life is so difficult..Congratulations on marrying your love and I'm so sorry it was under those circumstances.❤️ love and best wishes to you both

Dear OP, I’ve been where you are. ICU wedding, two tiny children. DH died three weeks after our wedding. That was 11 years ago.

So can I offer some hope from the future? You will be ok. Your kids will be ok. We’re all thriving these days. It will be hard, difficult and awful at times but you will get through what is to come and be happy.

let me know if you’d like to talk X

Op sending much love, I am just over 8 years on from losing my DH (he was 46). Try to not put too many demands on yourself, some days just getting up for the day is an amazing achievement ❤️
Our DC are both young adults now & only this week I was telling my eldest stories & anecdotes about their Dad, making DD laugh. She tells all her friends all about him.
Congratulations on your wedding x

I’m so sorry

You may not feel this right now, but sending sincerest congratulations on your wedding. You and your DH have forged a wonderful bond together that is forever

Firstly, congratulations on your marriage... I know that it happened in unusual circumstances but it is wonderful to think that you have managed to do what you planned, albeit a little earlier.

Next, whatever we all say to you, there is no set way to deal with what you are going through, look through the collective wisdom on here and use what works for you. If something does not work, then change your mind and do something else.

For my friends and colleagues I have a document for anyone who is dealing with an up coming death, that is full of the practicalities of sorting out the fall out from a death, so please feel free to DM me with your email address and I will send it over.

Finally, use your network, people will offer help but will be embarrassed to ask, what do you actually need? So be brave and say, could someone do a basic shop for me and make sure that there is fresh milk in the fridge, could you do the children's wash, can you runn the hoover around and open the windows to freshen up the house or can you watch the children while I have a bath and a bloody good cry. People need direction and will love being given a job to do. My thoughts are with you all...

I am another who just wants to say congratulations on your wedding and I am so, so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you lots of love and strength to get through this awful time. I hope your DH is as comfortable and pain-free as he can be, as well.

I'm so sorry to read this and sending you strength and love. Please take all the support you can.

Is there a Maggie's centre at his hospital or have a look at their website.
They are experienced at going through "how to tell the children" after a cancer diagnosis or change in condition

I am so sorry to read about your situation. It's so unfair. 😪
Is there a Maggie's centre attached to the hospital? If so, please do walk in and get a cup of tea. They are staffed with wonderful people who have been where you are.
For your dcs as others have mentioned Winstons Wish is good and the Daisy's Dream website charity is worth visiting. Their focus is on preparing children for what is to come. They are set up to help you and your dcs through these days.
Thinking of you.

Please reach out for help to everyone around you, you must take great care of yourself whilst you are recovering from your surgery. I lost my DH very suddenly 17 years ago and had to find the words to tell the children very quickly, you will find the words and they and you have a little time to be with him which is precious. I second a PP in saying that it will be alright in time, but that is of no consolation in this moment.

When my cousin’s DH was terminally ill I ordered kits to make silver fingerprints that were made into key rings so that the children could hold those and still touch their daddy’s hand. If you are able something like that and the letters etc that a PP mentioned may be comforting for them in the years to come..

I wish you strength for the journey ahead, please reach out on here too for support, your local church community can be a great support too, but I know that isn’t for everyone.

I'm so, so sorry OP

I hope you have lots of support around you. Anything you're feeling now is valid.

❤️

Such a bittersweet way to marry. I’m so so sorry.

It must be doubly hard when you’re recovering from surgery.

It will be hard telling the kids but IME better to be honest with them as you go along, as that’s usually a bit less traumatic for them than not knowing and worrying about what’s happening.

Also helps to make it clear what to expect in terms of their (and your) emotions, so they know they should let it out, e.g. “We’re all going to be very sad and we’ll probably cry a lot. That’s what usually happens and is a good thing as it helps us process it all. So don’t be worried if you see me crying”. Also, make it clear if they have any questions, it’s important they ask you.

My friend found Winston’s Wish very helpful to help support his son who was 5 when his mum died.

Sending strength ❤️

Oh love
I know it's not the dc who are patients at the hospital but it might be worth asking if the play therapist can see them?
Also heard great things about Winston's Wish, they have a page here for telling dc about a parent with cancer: https://winstonswish.org/prepare-death-by-cancer/

Just sending you and yours all the love.

My husband died two years ago when our DD were two and five. Winston’s wish was great, but maybe get therapeutic support for you. I have been honest and cried with my kids. My case was very different because my husband was an alcoholic. I started with telling them daddy was very very sick and he loved them and wanted to be with him but sometimes people can’t get better. Thinking of you. You will survive, two years in the loss is still a frequent conversation, we all still cry but we have joys as well.

Sweetheart. It sounds like you have every reason to cry, and if possible the best thing right now would be to allow yourself.
sending huge love to you and yours from another cancer patient x

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/4729740-the-storm-part-3

This is a thread for the families of people with life limiting illness. It may be an older link but if it has run out of space, go to the last couple of pages and some kind soul will have started a follow on thread.

I'm sure there will be loads of support and advice on there which will help

Your wedding day will always be so special to you and your DH and so important for your children to look back on and know how much love there was between you.

crying is absolutely ok.

Im so sorry.

I hope you made some lovely memories to look back on. It sounds like there is lots of love.

There are organisations and charities that can help support you and your children through this. They will also be able to suggest ways to tell them.

Speak to the hospital, they have people specifically trained to talk to children or can refer you to them. For you speak to the chaplain perhaps, you don’t need to be religious, they are there for everyone, they will be alas experienced in this. I’m so sorry

Depending on your age, a friend found Widowed And Young a helpful peer support group.

So sorry OP. Congratulations on your wedding. Bittersweet no doubt but nice that you both were able to have that moment together.