The storm part 3

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.
The previous thread is here

[Frikonastick]

Thanks @Willowkins xxx

[bloodywhitecat]

Thank you @Willowkins .

I came home today to flowers on the doorstep, they came from the adopters of one of my little ones, she had got her dates muddled up and thought today was the anniversary of DH's death (it's not, it's a month away yet). It did make me laugh as he was always bloody hopeless with anniversaries so probably would've done the same thing.

[tralalaaaaaa]

Hello everyone
Just checking in for the new thread. I'm so sorry for the recent losses.
My DH has advanced prostate cancer. We've worked our way through many of the treatment options.
Feel very lucky that he has responded to the treatments but know that the clock is ticking.
I really recognise all the comments about everyday stresses .. and also getting isolated from friends.
We've tried so hard to keep going as normal for the DC's but in many ways life has been on hold.

[notapizzaeater]

Welcome everyone.

I'm in the 4 weeks of hell, we have had 2nd anniversary of death, next week his birthday, then my birthday.

[Willowkins]

It's around 6½ years since DH's diagnosis and nearly 4 since he died. That whole time I've just been coping and trying to make things better. It was like I'd been buried. Since then, I’ve had a lot of counselling and I do now finally feel like the real me is coming back.
So why call this thread 'The storm part 3’? Of course it is the third thread so we can continue with the support for each other and more importantly, our unique understanding. We can be honest on this thread and not be judged.
But it also has to be for those in the third stage, those who’ve come out the other side of the storm.
It has to be for those of us who are survivors too.
So notapizzaeater, yes it’s pants. The anniversaries are almost unbearable – I say almost because the cancer has trained us to bear the unbearable. You will get through this. It gets better.
This last year, I've had the most amazing experiences on those anniversaries. Those old feelings don’t go away but there is also room for maybe even some joy.

[SchrodingersKitty]

Hi All. Today is my DH's birthday. The anniversary is hard, as they all are. I feel like I should go and visit the cemetery where his ashes re buried, but I hate going there. I thought we would go often but I just don't feel he is there at all. I have developed a bit of a block about it and consequently have not managed to organise the stone. It's being made by an amazing local artist but it has taken me forever to decide on wording and stone. I think I'm finally almost there so she should start work on it soon and i'll feel a bit less guilty about it.

[bloodywhitecat]

Anniversaries are so hard. The end of this month marks my DS's birthday and the day DH died (he would pick my son's birthday to die on, the arse!), it's the first anniversary of his death. I know what you mean about the struggle to visit and it becoming a block, I always swore I would scatter DH as soon as possible but a year on and he's still sitting on the mantlepiece. My little sister is in the crem where we used to live and in all the years she's been gone I have only been there once because although she's there, she's not if that makes sense. Stupidly enough she's in a rose bush in my garden that I have carted to every home I have ever lived in. She never even laid eyes on that rose bush so I have no idea what that's all about. It's the little things we find so hard isn't it.

[SchrodingersKitty]

I'm really sorry about that @bloodywhitecat: the date being your son's birthday must be so difficult. Yes the little things are the hardest. I still haven't cleared out any of DH's clothes, over two years on. And the bag of his stuff returned from the hospice is still up in his study where I first left it. I really need to gear myself up to deal with things like this. It would have been much easier when I was numb at first but it seems so hard now.

[notapizzaeater]

Aaarrgghh, sometimes it's the silliest things that set you off.

A box I've walked past for weeks jumped out and kicked my toe breaking it ! I sensibly ignored it overnight but decided it needed properly splinting today so whilst DS in college took a coffee, iPad, battery packs etc and trotted off to A and E today. The lady at reception asked me if DH was still my next of kin, cue snotty tears .....

The upside was yes it's broken and now splinted but from arriving to triage to seeing the doctor I was out in under an hour !

[bloodywhitecat]

@notapizzaeater It's those moments that catch us off guard though isn't it (especially when combined with a physical pain)? I hope the toe is a bit more comfortable today.

[Willowkins]

Ouch. I'm reliably informed that broken toes have to be nurtured for weeks. I hope you have everything you need.

[MontyDonsBlueScarf]

Hello everyone, it's now 6 weeks since DH died and a week since his funeral. I have discovered much to my surprise that your relationship with someone doesn't end just because they're no longer here. I find this strangely comforting.

I wanted to share a resource I've found particularly helpful, griefhaven.org/. This is put together by people who really do get it. I know there are groups closer to home that I could join but as an introvert, I find meeting new people tiring at the best of times and impossible right now, so something I can access at home has been a lifesaver.

Hugs and strength to everyone on this journey.

[Willowkins]

MontyDonsBlueScarf of course it doesn't. I firmly believe you carry your feelings for them round with you for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I found Cruse really helpful about a year later but actually I'm still having counselling. I remember those early weeks as a time when I was rushing around organising things (the funeral, paperwork, accounts - it was endless) as well as making sure the kids were okay. With hindsight I wish I'd taken more time just to be. Hugs, strength and peace all round.

[Frikonastick]

DH in stage 4 renal failure. He only has one kidney. So this is probably it. Days now. I am, according to everyone, brilliant amazing a rock so strong so on top of everything handling it all so fantastically so brave such an inspiration they just don’t know how I’m doing it

im not any of those things

im not doing it

my internal landscape is a barren rock face scraped raw with despair

[notapizzaeater]

@Frikonastick it's the old swan analogy - yes looks like you're coming but underneath you're not. I powered through the last few days on coffee and Adrenalin, crashed for a day then was straight back 'ok' only I wasn't ok ISYWIM. Make sure you are looking after you x

[SchrodingersKitty]

I'm so sorry, @Frikonastick. I think it's also that people want to think that you are strong and coping as it makes the unimaginable feel better to them.

Two and a half years after my DH's death I'm finding that having gone through it makes people think you are able to bear anything - so my parents are burdening me but not my sisters with all of the worst things about my dad's illness and his suicidal feelings, as they think I can cope because of being 'strong'.

What I actually am is numb - still. And I embrace the numbness as it makes it possible to keep going.

[Willowkins]

Oh Frik I'm so sorry it's come to this. The 'strong' is a facade, which we keep up because otherwise we'd crumble and people NEED us. Ignore all that and just do what you can. Hugs.

[bloodywhitecat]

@Frikonastick I am so sorry

[Frikonastick]

Thank you for understanding, for getting it.

[notapizzaeater]

@Frikonastick still here holding your hand x

[Willowkins]

Just checking in Frikonastick to let you know we're thinking of you.

[MontyDonsBlueScarf]

Sending hugs and love @Frikonastick and anyone else in need

[Frikonastick]

I’ve brought him home. I just wanted him to be able to see the sky, and have the dogs, and for DD to see him for more than 15 minutes a day in the hospital.

but, I hadn’t really figured myself into the equation. I’m flushing his lines every 2 hours, including through the night, plus med schedule of 16 other drugs, and then the personal care etc etc. I’m beyond shattered. Hospice here is a charity not government supported, so they can only come in once a day, the district nurse only comes twice a week for dressing changes.

i feel so shit, I look so shit, every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I just think fuck you know, my reward in all this is to have aged 10 years and look like a haggard troll. I don’t even know why this is something that is bothering me so much!! It doesn’t even matter!! Maybe it’s more because it’s just such a stark external manifestation of my internal hellscape and I just hate it.

[Willowkins]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's no good way to do this just the least worst. Meanwhile, you're pouring yourself out for your whole family. I know how much that costs and it's no surprise that it's written on your face. Can you get out, even for an hour, to do something nice for you?