AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

Go round hers for the day whilst she’s out of the house. Win, win.

Who cooks?

And entertains her?

If it was your mother who had lost her husband wouldn't you want to help in any way you could?

Yes I do all the cooking.

Your poor MIL, newly bereaved and you’re treating her like an inconvenience. Imagine if this was you in the future?

Yes I get what you are saying but I feel like my DH is inviting her round most Sundays and I have no say at all.

How would you treat your mother if she lost her husband?

Aww! Look after your MIL. She is a close relative. Show her a bit of love.

When my dad died very suddenly my mum couldn’t bear to be alone in the house in the evenings and came round for dinner every night. It was too much for me, but she gradually became more comfortable.

Could he not suggest going to her instead or meeting up for a meal out? That way you can gradually wean her off. Four months is still early but I appreciate it’s tough on you.

Maybe you could compromise and have her round one Sunday a month?

4 months isn't long ago. Presumably she had been with her husband a very long time she will still be coming to terms with her loss and grieving.
I don't think it's unreasonable to support her this way. Would you be cooking anyway? If so is it that bad to invite her to eat with you?

He’s right to invite her round weekly but perhaps mix it up so that Sunday doesn’t become an expectation. More harder to stop if it has been going on for 6 months

My dad died a few weeks ago. My mum has been to ours for dinner nearly every night. I'm glad my husband has enough compassion to welcome her with open arms.

My dad is dying. I hope my husband is more patient with my mum than you are of your MIL.

What a lovely husband you have! Im a lucky one too. DH spoke had a conversation with me about asking mum to move in with us when my dad died. It's often down to the woman, caring for bereaved older relatives is put down to 'womens work'. So good to see more and more men taking on the responsibility too.

If you do the full roast Sunday dinner you could stop doing it and cook something simple, then at least you’ll have more time to relax

I think given that she's recently widowed that this is probably more meaningful to her, than it is inconvenient to you. If you resent cooking, either get your dh to step up (perfectly reasonable) or suggest eating out some weekends.

I think I'd be happy to have my mum over once a week in these circumstances and so would have to oblige my mil too. However, I don't think you should be responsible for cooking every week for a guest. Your dh should be pitching in.

Your poor MIL and your poor husband losing his dad, have a bit of compassion

Depends on your relationship with her. My own mum would argue with her own reflection so quite honestly I couldn’t cope with this and I’d expect my siblings to help (if there’s no siblings she needs to lean on friends a bit in my opinion. You need to be careful this doesn’t become the norm if you don’t want it. My mother in law is a selfish cow and we probably see her a handful of times throughout the year when it suits her (although she’s not local) I certainly wouldn’t want her over even once a month let alone every weekend.. this is her own doing. Could you make plans to eat out once a month so you don’t have cooking.. pick her up and drop her off so it’s not a full day thing. One weekend free, one weekend you make plans.. hopefully she and your husband will get the hint.

It's only been 4 months since she lost her husband, so if course her son wants to support her. He might also want that contact for himself, especially if he was close to his parents. Losing a parent makes you realise you have to make the most of the time you have.

However, it isn't unreasonable to want have advance notice, and you should be able to discuss how you both support his mum but still have some space.

Do you have any practical suggestions as to how to adjust when and for how long you have her over? Are there other family members who would offer to invite her for dinner at least 1 weekend in the month. Can you arrange to visit her on one evening a week or can you vary the day she comes over?

Also I hope he takes on some of the responsibilities when she is at your house. What would you find most helpful for him to do?

My MIL practically lived with us for a year after FIL died.

Dont be a meany.

One day that might be you left alone.

Alone, with no one to talk to for hours & hours on end.

I bet you'd welcome going to lunch with your family once a week.

Do as you would be done by.

In general I'd have some sympathy.
4months is nothing. Her husband is dead.
She's your husbands mother.

i would try and mix it up Sunday though.

This week I'd leave veg and some chicken in the fridge maybe a tub of icecream and let him crack on.

Take yourself off to a nice pub or go to the gym or whatever

Maybe try popping over to hers or all go out for a pub lunch - everyone gets a break

Definitely not unreasonable to at least be told how many people are coming. It does change the dynamic though and if she acts like a ‘guest’ rather than slotting in as part of the family, YANBU to not want that every weekend. The only way my MIL would be invited for dinner every Sunday would be if I went out every Sunday. At the very least DH should take turns cooking and being host if he’s not already.