AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

Go out. If you have children take them too. If he invites her, he caters, she is bereaved and it is good of him to be caring, but he also has a family. You are his equal partner and deserve his respect,

One day you might be widowed. Lets hope someone shows you some compassion.

You don't need to entertain her. She just needs company and compassion. No full Sunday roast.
It is 4 months, 120 days since she lost her life partner. And you are begrudging one meal a week with her.
Yes, the work increases for a bit for you. That is what supporting family through bereavement needs. Your husband needs to support his mum. You need to support him. If you cannot do that, then what is your marriage really for?

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP to not want every Sunday with your MIL.
Could you mix it up a bit? Go out one Sunday for food, go to her house one Sunday, meet up with your husband's siblings one Sunday?

Your husband should be doing some cooking and cleaning. That would be my first thing to address!

I recommend sending them out for a pub lunch!

“It all falls on you”, it’s once a week and the OP is cooking dinner anyways.

There is (yet another) nursing home scandal in Ireland where (once again) old, vulnerable people are being abused by unpaid, under qualified staff.

This is the problem with society. We aren’t prepared to look after older people. This woman lost her husband not even a year ago. Having her round for a meal once a week isn’t a big deal.

There is a communication issue with DH.

Does your husband ever go to his mums on his own for dinner?

Maybe a rota? One Sunday you cook, one Sunday DH cooks, one Sunday you go to hers and one Sunday you go out for a lunch? x

Make a big cottage pie or a lasagna, or a traditional casserole in the slow cooker on the Saturday and that way you’re not stuck in the kitchen.

its not about the food, its about the company and family

fir you then it reduces the work in the kitchen

My dad has recently died and I'm doing the same for my mom. Losing your husband/wife is devastating, my mom is lonely and looks forward to me going and seeing her as she is alone in the house all day everyday. It's refreshing to see a man who wants to look after his mom and make sure she's ok.

Shame on you OP.

the 50s called and answered your post OP.

the answer is that DH can invite his mother around every time he shops, cooks and clears up. Easy peasy.

or takes you all Out to lunch.

so far he is just doing the inviting and none of the work. This is not on and he is shit.

book some plans for the next few Sundays and let them crack on.

to everyone - the wife isn’t a MIL entertainment unit. Her son should be pulling his weight

@MrsSorryNotSorry

yes your dad died and you invited your m round and you do all the cooking. Not quite the same is it ?

shame on you.

typos

I lost my DH just before Christmas. My son has invited me round for Sunday dinners most weeks. My DIL says she’s always pleased to have me there. Last week she invited me to go on holiday with them.

The love and company they have given me, means the world. It’s awful being on your own suddenly. Life seems so bleak. Thank goodness for a loving family.

I understand. Your husband is thinking he's being a good son by loaning you out. He won't see your point while you're doing all the grunt work.

Unfortunately it means you'll have to not be available. Make plans, tell him that he's holding the fort this week (or next) and go out for the afternoon. He can have quality son/mother time together. Tell him to leave you a plate for when you get in.

Some posters are missing the point. OPs idiot DH is riding rough shod over his wife. He should discuss it with her first.
He could have said “I know it’s hard and you work all week but I feel bad for my mum. How about if I go ti my mums at noon, have a couple of hours with her then bring her home for lunch at 2pm” or “ I’ll take her out every other Sunday to a pub for lunch..”
In other words, some discussion with his wife
But no, he’s telling his wife what to do AND expecting her to cook. Cheeky bastard.
The judgy comments on here like “if it were your own mother..”. Totally not getting it.

Whether you are making 2 roast dinners or 3, it doesn't cost any more in either time or money. Include your MIL. It's not like she is asking to sleep in your bed with you.
Could you comfortably enjoy your Sunday dinner knowing she is home alone with a pot noodle?

If you're doing all the work cooking, your husband should help, unless there's a good reason why not. I'd normally try to see family every week anyway, but with everyone I've known, when their mum/dad loses their partner, they see them most days for months, or they come to stay if they've lived a distance away. Both husband and wife got involved in all the cooking/mental support and everything though. When my mum's mum died, grandad came to stay with us, and my mum got me to do things with him while she cooked, like playing games, chatting about hobbies/walking the dog etc--my dad worked most of the time, but joined us for meals and sometimes for walks so it wasn't all on her. She and my dad helped grandad arrange the funeral/death paperwork and clear out without me involved though, as they thought I was too young. I hadn't really realsed how much there is to do, and I didn't realise how much my parents did in arranging for him to go to groups/get support with things until I was much older.

Get him to cook

Surely you start by TELLING DH that he needs to do dinner every other Sunday.

MIL is not a guest but family so she can pitch in and help or if you need to go do other stuff it still gets done. Or just chill with her.

I get why he wants her round but I would tell him how it’s affecting you and that for the next few Sundays he is in charge of meals and looking after her

then I would take myself if to the bedroom and read or watch tv

Assuming you eat at home on a Sunday and she isn't staying all day, I think you are being a bit mean. However it might be wise to introduce the odd Sunday where you can't host because you are all going off somewhere to to reduce a dependency starting.

Have you read all OP’s replies?? Please go back and familiarise yourself with who actually does all the work on the Sunday. There’s also a sibling and sisters.. why don’t they want to help.. they’re not getting attacked for doing sweet FA? OP is getting told on here she’s got no compassion which is awful. All she wants is a bit of communication from her husband and after a full week of work deserves that.

Please don’t bring nursing homes into it either… I work in care and see this first hand this is a completely different issue.

My IL's used to come round every Sunday afternoon. Now MIL has passed, SIL just decides she's descending on a Sunday for lunch 'because it suits her that day'. Saturday doesn't because they have things on. We're all expected to drop everything & run.

After 25 years of doing it, I realised no one could MAKE me. As women we're programmed to be compliant to family. And I was done.

I haven't been the last two times SIL has come for lunch, now at FIL's because i refuse to cook, and the Sunday afternoon IL visits I started going about my business & making plans years ago.

Before you flame me, my Sunday afternoon plans are visit my own elderly parents, or see a friend for coffee which was pre arranged.

Life is too short to run keeping people happy who don't do the same for me.

Either your DH cooks, or you go out. Just stop doing it.

You are missing the point. Like so many other posters.

Take a different tack.

You do the inviting but for something you would like to do:
Walk in the park and cafe, cinema, whatever.

Or just say you are too tired t cook this week and have tea and biscuits in front of the TV.