AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

Tell him it's totally up to him if she comes round, but he's cooking and sometimes you won't be there, because you've got stuff to do over the weekend. It's his mum, she'll be more interested in spending time with him anyway.

Of course you have compassion ML5 … I 100% would be the same as you. I think even more so if there’s a sibling and sisters close by there’s really no excuse why it all falls on you. My auntie started doing this with her husbands dad and it became the norm.. she told me after he then died how much she hated him coming but it had become expected.. I think about that all the time.

This is your real problem. You should be consulted about her coming but you have to stop doing this. Ok maybe cook but he cleans and entertains her. It's really hard to step back from but you absolutely must!!

It is early days and I think it's good your husband is showing some care for his mum but it does seem like all the work is falling to you. Tell your husband he needs to do the cooking and cleaning up. Make arrangements to go out one Sunday and leave him to it. See how he feels when he's the one who actually has to do the work.

I voted YANBU because whatever the situation, your husband should be checking with you particularly as you are the one doing all the prep and cooking.

Personally I would feel suffocated by the fact that it was every Sunday as rightly or wrongly I would feel that this sets an expectation for life.

I know I sound mean but I’m really not. I’m the sort of person that would go out of my way to help my MIL in a variety of ways to help her feel better such as visiting, taking her out, inviting her to us on different days etc, I just have a fear of being trapped in situations and the expectation of having a visitor every Sunday would stress me massively, particularly if I wasn’t even consulted about it.

The main issue here is that you and your husband are not communicating effectively so you feel you have no control over the situation. If you can discuss it calmly and decide upon ways of mixing it up a little in terms of contact you will feel happier perhaps.

Still waiting to hear why you have to cook and entertain... Or why you can't just go out and leave them to it?

@ML5its the least you can do and if you can’t do that what kind of person are you. That is all you are asked to do each week outside your own family and you resent it. We as a family gathering around the bereaved and make sure they don’t feel alone - as we would all want for ourselves. You have really shocked me that you wouldn’t do this basic human kindness.

Stop ‘entertaining’. Just do what you’d normally do. She’d probably prefer that. And it’s one day a week. Her other son can do a different day then she won’t be lonely on two days a week. Then that only leaves 5 for her to try to fill up to avoid feeling so alone.

If she was a good mum to your DH, and he wants to do this for her, I think he should.

Can you get DH to help cooking or at least so some of the cleaning up?

Yes.
What your DH is doing is saying MIL... come round and OP will cook and entertain you.
What's he doing?
I can understand that him inviting her over sunday after sunday without even consulting you and then sitting back whilst you do all the work is a bit relentless.

There's nothing wrong with going out for the day with MIL...to give you a day off cooking ..There's also nothing wrong with not doing it ever single Sunday, maybe two Sundays a month.
Or just have other plans yourself - go to the gym, or have a country walk, and let DH take on the responsibility he's so ready to pass off onto you.
If MIL has two sister s and another DC..nearby they ought to step up too.

Why?

I hope you all remember what you have said here when you are bereaved - you feel so vulnerable and raw and compassion is so valued and I have seen this work so well in my own extended family where everyone rallies round the bereaved in that first year and makes them feel cushioned and welcomed and protected. It doesn’t go on forever, they gradually rebuild their lives but goodness me in those first months they need love and a cushion

You have a husband problem not a MIL problem.

he needs to do his share of the chores especially if you also work all week.

If you are cooking dinner anyway, it's no hardship to cook for one more, surely? Why do you have to entertain MIL? Just leave her and DH to chat while you get on with whatever you want to do. I don't think having MIL over once a week is that bad, especially when she's newly bereaved. We had MIL stay with us for 4 months after FIL died - she was almost catatonic with grief & shock. It was hard, I had 3 small children and DH worked long hours but I wouldn't have refused to have her.

It’s not every Sunday , you said almost every Sunday ,so what exactly is it ? What entertainment do you have to provide? You said you have to cook anyway so one extra plate can’t be too much . Does your husband do the dishes ? He should be . Other than that, have compassion . She’s newly widowed.

That would be normal, surely as she's on her own and bereaved OP can be a bit more generous.

I think it’s a bit shitty to not have her round/see her but there’s no reason why DH shouldn’t be doing the cooking or going to hers either.

Why can't your husband cook the dinner?

Do his hands not work?

Can your DH cook? Get him to do it for once!

If my mum was recently widowed and I wanted her to come and spend time with us once a week and my DH didn't want her there or got funny about it, I'd see him in a whole different light tbh.

My DH wants his mum over every Sunday too. He is disabled & unable to do more than make a cup
of tea. So it falls to me to do it all, shop, cook, tidy the house, pick her up etc. I work ft too. MIL is fairly fit & healthy for a woman in her mid 70s but makes no effort at all with my DH, her only child. She is well aware that he is home alone most days for 8 hours apart from the short time his carer is here but she never visits except to come for Sunday dinner! I’ve had enough after a few yrs of this and now only invite her occasionally. Can you limit the dinners to every few weeks ?

OP, I take it you still have your parents, as otherwise you wouldn't be behaving like this, I hope! The fact is, that no one knows what it's like to lose a parent until it happens, you may think you know, but you really have literally NO IDEA! Your poor DH has lost the man who brought him up, and has realised that life is no longer certain. In his mind he may be terrified that his Mum could go at any minute, and therefore he wants to do what he can for her.

Have you actually talked to him about this? If not, then please do, but be gentle, parents can turn into God's when they're gone, and the last thing you want is a row. So I suggest, you explain to your DH, that having to cook and 'entertain' his DM every Sunday, is getting a bit much, so would he mind terribly if once you've done dinner, you go out with a friend, go upstairs and read, or watch TV, whatever you would prefer to do instead of talking to his DM. Perhaps you could suggest that once lunch is over, you all go for a walk, or DH takes his DM for a ride in the car, or to a garden centre, or somewhere else that she may enjoy.

As a matter of interest, are you close to your parents, both emotionally, and physically, as you really don't appear to be showing any empathy whatsoever?

Your MIL and sh are both grieving, 4 months and it would seem they are sharing that grief by spending time together. I’d expect it to be a comfort to them both.

if your wanting to do something else, can you take yourself out?

He is being selfish and disrespectful to invite her without asking you first. I get that he’s looking out for his mother, but he is being unreasonable to extend invitations without getting the okay from you first.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. How often did you see her when her husband was alive?
I think the issue of it being every Sunday is that it will become a fixed routine. It wouldn't be so bad if it was more sporadic, or your partner going over to his mum's one evening in the week.
I would also be annoyed at it being expected that I should host and cook and entertain every week.
I think I would talk to my partner and say that you understand his mum is grieving and he wants to be there for her, but he needs to step up and take on some of the responsibility for this and either take you all out for lunch or cook.