AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

This! I'm shocked at so many 'poor MIL' posts and so few picking up the DH for his slacking here.

New plan. Each month you cook one Sunday, DH cooks one Sunday (even if this ends up being putting in a Domino's order), you all go out for lunch one Sunday, and the fourth Sunday MIL spends somewhere else. That's a reasonable compromise and she still gets your company three Sundays out of four.

In the future if your husband died before you would you like it if your future son's wife resented you coming round once a week?

Agree. For some reason this thread angers me. All the dumb arse posters who don’t get it.

Have all the very many posters saying that the op should have more compassion/what a marvellous man he is missed that it’s the husband inviting her and the op that’s doing all the work?! It was in the opening post!

can you tell us why it’s you that is doing all the work op? Because it sounds like that’s the actual problem.

So tell DH that he is in charge of cooking one Sunday. Or don't do anything elaborate. If you are cooking for 2, you can cook for 3. Don't be mean.

What is your family set up @ML5? Do you have young kids? Do you generally get on with MIL?

If you generally get on and don’t have young kids to wear you out, I think it’s reasonable for your DH to have his mum over. He may feel he needs his mum more at the moment.

However, if you’re spending 24/7 rounding up toddlers and/or your relationship with MIL isn’t great, I can see why this weekly arrangement isn’t working for you.

There are things you could try to make the domestic situation better. You could mix up the menu. Get a takeaway, set up a buffet, make an easy slow cooker dump bag recipe or simply tell DH that he needs to provide the food every other week.

If you don’t really get on, you could use the time as an excuse to do something for yourself. Meet friends, go shopping, go to the gym, go for a run, go to yeh cinema or eat out alone.

It’s not wrong for your DH to want his mum around. It is wrong to expect you to step up and do everything to facilitate the time together other than actually issuing the invite!

Get your husband to do at least some of the cooking and cleaning. Simplify what you cook - there is no need to be slaving over a massive meal every week.

What extra work is it? Cooking a roast is no hassle to add an extra 1. Adding an extra 10 yes, but 1 extra at the most, means peeling an extra tattie.

Ah well you will probably find yourself in her position one day. Then you will understand how it feels, especially if you are made to feel an unwelcome nuisance when you are newly widowed.

He needs to cook

Have a bit of compassion OP.
You might be the mil one day x
When my granddad died my grandma came round for tea once a week for 10 years (until her own death!). Mattered not a jot to either of my parents.

I think I would communicate with her if she’s doing all the work and making sure she’s happy with the arrangement so she doesn’t resent me not my lazy arsed son who does Sweet FA.

• side note that’s referring to the OP’s husband. My own actual son can cook and he knows to pull his weight 😆.

I have Sunday dinner with my MIL & FIL every week (Thursday as well). It's no hardship plus the kids love seeing their grandparents. They are lovely people. I get that it's not something you want to do weekly but I imagine her life is pretty awful at the moment and it gives her and your DP comfort.

This one from @Gustavo1 is a gem.

There are things you could try to make the domestic situation better. You could mix up the menu. Get a takeaway, set up a buffet, make an easy slow cooker dump bag recipe or simply tell DH that he needs to provide the food every other week.

golly a DH that cooks every other week ! Wow best not tell my DH that cooks every day.

Oh gustovo thinks the DH should just ‘provide’ the food every other week, not cook it

I honestly dread having such a cold heartless DIL! Her husband has died and she comes round for Sunday dinner?! Dont be so cruel. Imagine if you lost your husband. Honestly give your head a wobble it's hardly a hardship when youre already cooking!

@ML5 it must be so hard for your mil, grief takes time, it’s lovely your DH wants her over but he should be cooking and entertaining her, that expectation shouldn’t be on you xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like like you have a lovely relationship. I could only dream of a relationship like this with my MIL. xx

Tell your husband you’re knackered and need to rest. He can take his mum out for a Sunday lunch instead.

Have some compassion ffs. Are your parents both alive? Just put yourself in his shoes- he could invite HIS own mother to HIS own house every day if he wanted. Believe it or not, I get where you’re coming from. However, you’re not being supportive or kind. Take a look at yourself.
FYI in all my time on MN, this is the first post I’ve ever written that’s expressed anything other than love and best wishes.

The main problem is that DHs idea of supporting is widowed mother is to outsource all the work to his wife. And so many people on here support that.
He could be cooking, he could be taking her out, he could be going to her house and doing some jobs she needs doing.
There are lots of options beyond DIL doing it all. If she does it 3 out of 4 Sundays is she a terrible person all of a sudden? Is her making lunch and cleaning up the only option?

Absolutely spot on. Can’t believe all these women attaching OP when her husband is the problem here.

Do you really need to 'entertain' for close relatives though?! We have a Sunday dinner every week with PIL and BIL/SIL and we just put the telly on, play with the kids/animals, have a yarn etc.

There’s nothing refreshing about it at all.. he’s not looking after his mum, he’s inviting her over and getting a big pat on the back for sitting in his arse while OP is doing everything. Shame on you for not reading OP’s responses

Reframe it. Assume she will be there for Sunday lunch for the foreseeable instead of stropping because no one asked. Why does he need permission to do what his mum needs while she grieves?
No need for fancy entertainment, just embrace her as part of the family. Everything else carries on as normal, one extra mouth for one meal a week.

My dad died last November. Mum has only started 'living' again in the last month, which seems quick to me. 4 months is nothing.