AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

Husband doesn't do the cooking so your wrong on that score

Thats a shame 😔. I would gladly have my mil round every Sunday for dinner, I lost my mum suddenly and miss her every day, she was only 62. Why dont you get your mil involved in the cooking with you? It would be great company for her and I bet it would make her feel so happy to feel loved and involved. She won't be there forever and you could make some lovely memories together xx

OP I hear you.

My own mother was incredibly clingy after my dad died. It was stifling and suffocating. It did lessen as time went on

Yes I have. And I also said there is a communication issue with DH. Yes, of course DH should have discussed it. So we are on the same page there.

It’s a meal once a week that the OP is cooking anyway (if she is sick of cooking Sunday dinner that isn’t a MIL issue). The OP isn’t being asked to act as a daily carer for her MIL while the other sibling and sister do nothing. It’s one meal, once a week, not even a year after FIL died.

Nursing homes - it’s a reflection of society. We dont value older people. We see them as a burden something we shouldn’t have to deal with on top of work.

OP, your mistake here was to drip feed! Now you're going to be stuck replying individually to a million silly people who haven't bothered to see all your posts and so don't realise you do all the cooking and cleaning on what you would like to be a day off, and will therefore accuse you of being mean. They also don't realise your MIL has other family members who can visit. YANBU to not want to have to cook a big Sunday lunch and tidy it up. Of course your MIL should be welcome in her son's home at such a difficult time, but your DH should be doing the cooking and entertaining. You need to put your foot down and bloody say no to doing all the work! Could you suggest he invites her for afternoon tea instead? That way if he doesn't feel like cooking he can buy some scones and cake and nice tea and entertain her without messing up the kitchen. Good luck OP.

I think you are being unreasonable to be a 1950s housewife doing all the cooking and cleaning when you’ve been working all week. No wonder he takes you for granted! You’re just the general cook and bottle washer.

What happens if you just wake up on Sunday and fancy a piece of cheese on toast for yourself for lunch? Jeez wake up. Tell your DH that feeding his mother is his responsibility. And throw a tea towel his way. See how he likes it when the roles are reversed.

The OP has said that she's not doing anything she wouldn't already be doing. If she resents cooking Sunday dinner every week, I assume she's had plenty of time to say so. No reason why she cannot carry on as she has every other Sunday 🤷‍♀️
Husband invited MIL, he can 'entertain' MIL, though she is probably just happy to have the company of family for one dinner a week. I hope she doesn't know, in this time of grieving, that she is such a burden.

I think most people are laying it on a bit thick, I totally get where you’re coming from OP. It’s kind to invite her but your DH should be doing the heavy lifting of feeding and entertaining MIL, and she shouldn’t be coming around expecting to be waited on hand and foot either. Both of them are capable of cooking presumably so you do 1/3 of the cooking on the visits and they should sort out the rest between them. Or invite her round on a weeknight and get a takeaway.

This. She’s doing it anyway, it’s an extra portion in a meal she was already cooking. As someone said it’s quite likely an extra couple of potatoes.

If OP no longer wants to cook Sunday dinner fair enough, but it’s separate to the MIL.

Sunday roast is such an easy dinner to cook. I don’t get why that’s so time consuming or am I doing it all wrong?

Well that stops. He wants to host, he does all the hosting. Take yourself out or feign illness.

How is it not? Veg prep, roast spuds, Yorkshires, stuffing, meat. Takes about two hours, how’s that not time consuming?

I still think OP is U though

Oh sorry DH but I’ve made plans to go out with X. You will need to cook your mother dinner yourself.

You can just stop this and tell him it's mis turn to cook

Peak mumsnet ‘faux ignorance’ 🤣

It’s not about whether it’s an easy meal to cook. It’s that he never cooks it and now expects to invite an extra guest every week without lifting a finger.

This is so awful. She has lost her husband, and your husband has lost his father. And so recently too. If it was your mum, you’d presumably want her round once a week and for your husband to welcome her. When your husband passes presumably you’ll want your child/children to do the same for you and their partner to welcome you.

My father in law died 7 years ago. My mother in law comes to ours for dinner once a week, and goes to my sister in law’s once a week. I think it’s the least we can do. And yes, I do all the cooking too.

Inviting her over is fair enough, given the circumstances but he should be helping to cook and clean as it’s his mum /his idea. He’s the problem here, maybe insist he does it next time

Really? Good for you, you sound amazing.
Unlike the rest of us who only 16 weeks after the death of a life partner and when we are not in the first flush of youth are more likely to still not know what day of the week it is and feel exhausted simply by just getting dressed.
OP do you even like your husband?
His Dad has been dead 16 weeks. Are you not wanting to support him? What is the point of your marriage if you resent plating up 16 extra dinners to help him and mil? For better for worse, in sickness and in health. This is his rainy day.

Yes, you're doing it wrong.

@ML5 I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on this thread. I'm sure you are compassionate for your MIL & DH's recent loss, but YANBU to be fed up of spending every Sunday cooking a big dinner and cleaning. It's also unfair of your DH to not ask you first, it's your home too and he's clearly taking you for granted in being the maid for the day.

So, what I would suggest, is to plan to go out for the day next Sunday, go buy yourself lunch in a nice café, pub or restaurant you like. Go browse the shops. Then your DH can feed his DM and spend quality time together, just the two of them. Then the next weekend, if you want to stay home on the Sunday, you make scrambled eggs on toast for the lunch for everyone - no fancy big Sunday roast. Or simply tell DH that it's his turn to cook and clean. Basically just start showing that you are not DH's 1950's housewife.

You work full time and deserve a break.

It’s not fair of him to just invite her and expect you to do all the work involved in feeding her. I would tell him it’s fine to have her round, but that some weeks you will go out and leave them to it. Arrange to meet friends in the pub or go to the cinema or something you want to do, and let him host her.

Fucking hell, what a pig statement. If OP and DH divorced, he'd be cooking his own dinner so why doesn't he cook every meal, wash every dish etc by your logic?

On a normal Sunday she'd be cooking dinner for 2 less people and doing zero entertaining. If you were DH, would you honestly not think "hey, my family are coming round, maybe I should step up and cook instead of expecting my wife to do it?"

I’m not mad about my MIL but I’d suck this one up. The women has just lost her husband. She needs her family right now.

Yes but I wouldn’t expect my DH to wait on us hand and foot either.

Do you want a medal for doing all the cooking or what? What does your DH do? Do you work full-time?

It’s ok to be tired from working full time and not want to cook and host every week. The DH should be taking turns. Also what is wrong with him taking some food over to his mum’s? And why is he not even asking the OP. Nobody is saying don’t have compassion for the MIL, it’s the way the DH is acting that is wrong.

Show some love,she had a loss.im assuming your husband feels you would be more supportive at this time.if it bothers you just tell him you would rather he discussed this weekly dinner guest with you...it could now be the highlight of her week and is helping her with her grief.thats what family is for,and she is your family.

Easy… don’t cook. Let him make her beans on toast.