AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

I would do it for my MIL. Cooking and cleaning for one extra person isn't a whole lot. Maybe you need to get your husband to do more to help out. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Your MIL lost her life partner.

Go out for the day leave husband with her and he'll have to cook himself, he'll soon get board of it

There are some very cunty replies on here!

I'm all for your husband's decision to invite his mum for dinner, one day she will pass away too and he won't be able to have her with you. Will you be satisfied then? I really hate the MIL bashing on here, such double standards for parents and in-laws, or in MN world outlaws.

It's fine that your DH wants to support his bereaved mother, what is not fine is it being at your expense. Sit your DH down and tell him if he invites her he has to tell you, well in advance (it sounds as if he has given her an open invitation). tell him if she comes he has to entertain her as you are fully occupied. Also hell him he has to make a bigger contribution to the food budget to cover the extra cost, and pay for one in three Sunday lunches.
I think you will find he remembers there are other dining tables she can go to on a Sunday.
Also make sure you get plenty of support- DH should be doing the veg prep and washing up (or stacking the dishwasher).
They are bereaved, but why does that mean you have to take a far greater burden?

Of course yanbu.

Your husband is a lazy arse and thinks you are the family skivvy.

Don't have children with someone who thinks your sundays should be spent skivvy for him and his mother.

Down tools.
He cooks from now on.
Also make plans and go out.

You sound passive and he sounds like a bully.

Push back hard and stand up for yourself.

He calls you mean but would never cook himself?

What a loser and a waster you have married
Do not be used.

Stop cooking completely.

It would seem MIL never refuses an invitation? There's going to be a pattern established now after 4 months, with an expectation of an invite for each and every Sunday. You need to arrange with other family members a rota so you and DH get some time for yourselves. Others will happily leave it to you and DH, ask me how I know.

No way would I want any relative coming round for dinner every week regardless of the circumstances. It would ruin my weekend.

If both PIL usually came together every week then that’s a different case but if not there’s no way I’d suddenly accept such a regular arrangement.

I’m not a big one for doing much with extended family so maybe others will see things differently.

What a horrendous load of conjecture.
OP has said nothing about the rest of their dynamic, how often her husband cooks, how much of the rest of the domestic load he picks up. Nothing has even been said about whether they have or plan to have children. All we know is that OP works and thinks she deserves Sundays off. We know nothing about how much other family members are doing to support this bereaved woman on other days of the week, only that they exist. OP plopped a couple of posts, clarified almost nothing and then abandoned the thread (as is her right). Deciding that her husband is a lazy bully for doing what is right for his mum is pure projection from you (and many others on this thread).

After only 4 months since he died, there are still an awful lot of 'firsts' for the MIL to be getting past. My own dad recently died, my mum could barely move with grief for the first 4 months. She was quite literally stuck. So we visit her almost every weekend. My husband comes with me, and works on her garden, helps clean her house, does anything that needs doing without having to be asked. He has never once complained about it. We both have full time jobs, teenagers, volunteer in our community. i.e. we have full and busy lives. But a death changes things. The bereaved person's needs come first. It is exhausting and neither of us get our Sunday off that we would both love to have, but that is what death is. It isn't forever. Gradually, the bereaved person starts to lift their head again and to pick up a new life and other can slowly reduce the support they provide.

I have been utterly shocked by the lack of empathy for a widow and her son here.

I'd make plans on your own every other weekend and your husband can cook. It's lovely that he is looking after his mum but not fair to be adding all of that work onto you. When you're out he can either take her out for lunch or cook or go to hers for her to cook. Definitely not fair for him to be offering your services

I would do as some posters have said and not make a full sunday roast, especially seeing as weather is getting hotter. Maybe alternate, making nice easy pasta dish, or go out for Sunday lunch, but definitely get your MIL (& DH) involved in helping with the cooking. I think you have to accept that Sundays are now lunch with MIL.

Is he taking on the responsibility if OP is doing all the cooking though?

We see my in laws once a week and are close but have just had a baby, MIL always gives us food and if cooking were expected, DH would do it. I think it's lovely to see your MIL once a week after a bereavement but DH could take the kids to hers and/or cook himself. Or take her out for lunch

I’m not surprised. Mn hates the in laws. Lots of shocked posters in a few decades time when they wonder why their dils hate them then.

My god, reading this thread is like stepping back a few decades. @ML5 is not being mean. She has compassion, but that is being exploited by her husband. Since when has it been the sole responsibility of the DIL to do all the running around to help manage MIL's (understandable) grief?

He's making offers of help that he then does NOTHING to actually contribute. That's sexist, exploitative and manipulative. And it's not OK.

Yes, OP has a role to play - and she is- but he has too and he's not.

All the posters who come over all self righteous and are blaming OP for 'being mean' by standing up for herself, saying what she needs and calling out this blatant sexist - woman's place is in the kitchen - role should be ashamed of themselves. Where is the sisterly solidarity I'd expect from MN? And where is the righteous indignation that her lazy arse husband should be doing far, far more for HIS grieving mother?

Jeez.

edited to correctly tag OP

OP, clearly he wouldn't do the same for your mum because he won't even do it for his own. Just stop doing everything, leave it to him to cook and clean up, you aren't his staff. You can support your MiL in your own way.

So for OP to be supportive, she has to cook for his mother, host and clean up afterwards, all without complaint or being asked, but for HIM to support his mother, he doesn't have to do any of that? Why is that?

Presumably if OPs mother loses her husband, you would say OPs partner would have to cook for her every Sunday, host and clean up a.one too right, all without being asked, because you don't like double standards? Do you think he'd do that when he won't even do it for his own mother?

He might be lovely for offering and caring about his mum but he is leaving it to his wife to do all the cleaning, cooking etc to host his mum. I’m not sure that makes OP lucky.

OP might feel very differently about a clear standing invite or arrangement for MIL to come over if DH was doing half the work.

To be fair, in many cases it’s the women themselves who are responsible for their own behaviour. An expectation is one thing but a woman has a clear choice about what she does or doesn’t do.

I see it on here countless times that a woman is working full time, is carrying the mental load, is caring for everyone and doing the chores.

In my situation, my DIL works part time, so she does much of the planning and chores. However, my son does the food shop, meal planning and cooking. He’s also hands on with the kids. Whilst I’m at theirs I’ve seen him peg washing out and bring it in.

When I’m at theirs for Sunday dinner, my son cooks. No one hosts, a term I see on here repeatedly but what is that exactly? I’m treated like part of the family, which I love. No one tidies up especially for me, sometimes we eat in front of the TV, just like a real family.

I hope you are never bereaved and feel lonely, as with your attitude there won’t be anyone who cares about you.

How about a woman speaks up and says, ‘yes DH I’d love to see your mum, what are you cooking for dinner?’

Women have a choice and a voice. Women are not pathetic beings who have to slave away in the home, whilst their DH put their feet up, or is out doing a hobby.

There's two different issues here.

Firstly, she is recently bereaved. Your DH is doing the exact right thing by inviting her round regularly. Once a week isn't too much at all, she's his mum and she's recently lost her partner. He's supposed to try and help her feel less lonely.

But that doesn't mean you should be responsible for all the cooking and cleaning. You shouldn't be responsible for all the cooking and cleaning when it's just your family unit at home either. You're not a skivvyy.

I’m not close with family so wouldn’t expect anything. I often go years without seeing or speaking with siblings and haven’t seen aunts/uncles/cousins etc since I was a young child.

Not all of us run our lives intertwined with extended family. The prospect of turning to them in a case of emergency or severe need just wouldn’t be a consideration for me and never has been.

I agree.

When you work Mon-Fri, you get just two days to Not Work. One of those will be life admin - shopping, laundry, paperwork etc. The other should be to do things that buoy you up for the next five days of slog - otherwise, what a miserable life it would be.

Settling into a pattern of every Sunday becomes yet another day of drudgery - so that your "D"H can feel good about himself helping his mum by outsourcing the task to you - would be soul-destroying for me.

Your MIL may be grieving, but that is not a reason why you should be expected to tolerate your "D"H promising away your time without so much as the courtesy to ask you first. I'd break this pattern a.s.a.p. now, because the longer this informal arrangement goes on (and I include the bit about your "D"H not asking you first) the more it will become the case that the weekend is shaped around what your MIL and your "D"H want; and you didn't marry him because you were gagging to spend every Sunday with his mum.

I’m so glad I have a loving family and you aren’t part of it.

You very obviously do wish precisely that, so why don't you own it?