AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, actually, even a complete stranger.

I'd definitely be wanting to look after MIL in this situation. Don't feel you have to cook for her though. I'm sure the company is all she wants/needs.
If my husband had an issue with my recently-bereaved parent coming to our house once a week, I'd be raging with him. I'd expect him to support me in supporting my parent.

There are a lot of these kind of posts. I have two DILs and I wouldn't be comfortable sitting there with my son while my DIL does all the work to cook, serve and clear up a Sunday dinner every single week.

My daughters will be very glad in the future that I'm so considerate of them and their spouses.

I love my MIL, but do not want my Sundays to revolve around her. And - guess what? - neither does she!

And I'm very glad to be part of a loving family where my DH respects my time and doesn't take me for granted like the "D"H here does.

Exactly!

See, genuinely nice and loving people just don’t say shit like this.

Why should you? Because it’s a kind thing to do. That phrase makes you sound petulant. And yes I think you’re mean. You’re helping your MIL to get over what’s probably one of the worst times of her life. It won’t be forever and you don’t have to change what you normally do on a Sunday, just one extra for dinner and you crack on, your husband can entertain her.

My GM used to come to stay virtually every other weekend and it drove my DM mad because my GM had never liked her.

As there are other relatives she could go to, perhaps with agreement with them and DH you could make it less often, sharing the load between her other child and her sisters. I can understand why he wants to support her but it's important that he isn't her only support, it could become a very heavy burden in time.

Can he go to hers every other week without you ?

one week at yours cooking

one week out at tobys etx

It’s a shame you have ended up feeling resentful about this but it sounds like the cooking and entertaining you find to be a problem rather than not understanding that MiL needs some support atm.

Rope in some help with the cooking from everyone - make the prep time part of the social event. Propose a nice post lunch walk with MiL so DH can wash up and you can have some time with her. She might really appreciate it.

The answer is simple - DH cooks.

Excuse you?!? OP’s DH is volunteering OP to cook a full roast every Sunday without even asking her!

YANBU OP, that’s appalling behaviour from your DH. Volunteering you to cook a full roast for his mum every Bloody Sunday? Nope! Every time he told me she was coming, I’d be asking him what he’s cooking. Do not spend anymore Sundays roasting sodding potatoes!

DH does a wipe around of the bathrooms, buy in some nice ready prepared stuff, the frozen Cook meals are good. Do your family roast on a Saturday so that you can have the relaxed prep that you like.

"Be kind". Aren't we all fed up of be kind, especially as it genetally means shut up and put up - as here?

The OP has been kind.

Time for her "D"H to be kind to her and start considering her.

Agree 100%

2025 and we still think women are responsible for household tasks. Whilst DH gets to take the glory.
there are many many ways for MIL to be supported by DH beyond his wife cooking and entertaining.
Do all the posters who think OP is mean for complaining think her DH is fine doing nothing but inviting her.

Many years ago DH invited his cousin to come live with us for the whole summer. I didn’t know her, I’d met her a few times in passing and had zero in common (I suspect she was also an alcoholic).
She had gone through a bad divorce and had health issues. DH invited her so she could have a summer of good meals/nice days out. DH is an appalling cook and works often 60-70 hours a week.
So it would have been looking after this woman and taking her out whilst entertaining small children. I’m sure DH would have felt great about it. Thankfully she said no but I read DH the riot book and told him if she came, I was leaving.
He didn’t think it would be any extra work (I worked term time). it’s very like him to be helpful and not think through the practicalities.
It’s very easy to volunteer someone else’s time.

Oh no..
Oh 'kind' of the DH to relax and kick back with his Mum while awaiting OPs cooking and serving of a roast every week! What a hero! He's.probably soo kind he'll continue to bravely entertain her while op cleans up!

If he was kind he would discuss this with his wife.
He would offer to cook and be appreciative of her willingness to host some sundays.
He would possibly suggest that he visit his mother on other sundays as this is his wife's weekend too, to give her space.

Instead he doesn't give a damn about her, how tired she is, how busy her week is, or how she might like to spend her sunday.

He is a selfish arse and the OP would do well to have a long hard look at a man who is "kind" by volunteering his wife every sunday, not putting himself out at all.

He's not a good msn, just another selfish one.
This is a lovely template for her future.

After 35 years of marriage my husband wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful as to volunteer me and my time for anything without a conversation.
I too wouldn't dream of doing it to him.

OP, yanbu.

3 Options:

Father's Day this Sunday - message MIL and DH now. Say that you've booked them a pub lunch with the kids for some quality time for Sunday but you'll be taking a day off/spending the day at home to catch up on chores that have built up.

Family WhatsApp. Take the bull by the horns with your BIL and two SIL's. She may be spending time with them during the week, you haven't said but assuming you can host her on a Friday night for example it's perfectly reasonable to say that you've invited MIL for Friday night as you need a weekend off/have plans to take the kids and DH paint balling on Sunday. Given its father's day, it would be helpful if an invite were forthcoming from her other children. If she's not seeing them at all, I'd be more bullish and say that you would welcome them stepping up to share the Sunday lunch "rota", that after 4 months solid you feel you've made a huge effort which you are not seeing from the rest of the family.

Tell DH you are away this weekend. Make it happen. Don't leave food.

i responded to this, post which definitely makes me very grateful for my family.

When you work Mon-Fri, you get just two days to Not Work. One of those will be life admin - shopping, laundry, paperwork etc. The other should be to do things that buoy you up for the next five days of slog - otherwise, what a miserable life it would be.
Settling into a pattern of every Sunday becomes yet another day of drudgery - so that your "D"H can feel good about himself helping his mum by outsourcing the task to you - would be soul-destroying for me.
Your MIL may be grieving, but that is not a reason why you should be expected to tolerate your "D"H promising away your time without so much as the courtesy to ask you first. I'd break this pattern a.s.a.p. now, because the longer this informal arrangement goes on (and I include the bit about your "D"H not asking you first) the more it will become the case that the weekend is shaped around what your MIL and your "D"H want; and you didn't marry him because you were gagging to spend every Sunday with his mum.

I agree that the Op’s husband needs to shape up. However I’m not sure why you think that being kind means ‘put up and shut up’. Have some compassion.

I have plenty of compassion. For the OP.

The person suggesting the OP be kind was implying that the OP is Not Being Kind for getting fed up with carrying the MIL-Sunday-lunch burden alone for four months.

It is not being unkind to ask "excuse me, can someone else pitch in now?" and I am absolutely hating the beating she is getting for simply wanting her Sundays back.

Definitely be kind, but don't take on extra burdens.
The OP is not being heartless ,she is being put upon, and her DH is giving no thought to her well being- only to his Mum's and his own.
There is nothing wrong with the OP wanting her limited free time to be mostly with her immediate family.
When her MIL comes on a Sunday why is it the OP who has to entertain her? Where is the DH?
It seems his compassion for his mother only stretches to giving her his wife's time, but not his own- that not only lacks compassion it is also grossly unfair, his claiming she is being unreasonable is nothing short of abusive, under those circumstances.