Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

If you want to help then help but don't assume that what she's doing is easy

I think you're being quite harsh.

Were you a single parent ever op?

Maybe help your dd instead of judging her and expecting her to be able to do everything herself just because ‘other single mums do it’ She’s probably doing her best and sounds like she just needs some support and understanding. I don’t know why you feel like his mum because you buy him some new clothes?? My mum always picks my kids bits and bobs up including new clothes

Yes i’d have a chat, from a wellbeing point of view. Ask her if she wants your help in getting the place back to a good standard and point out her DC needs new clothes. Sounds like she needs a chat.

You're very determined to say she has it easy but you've really no idea what's going on in peoples lives.
Also is her house that bad or does she just not meet your standards? Maybe she's so close with her son cause she spends time with him not cleaning

By all means help her, but you sound awful and judgemental, if I thought my mum spoke about me the way you do I’d be devastated

You can help her if you want which it sounds like you do. But don't compare her with other mums single or not. You don't know if and what she is struggling with. Continue helping her. At the same time you of course want her to out grow basic help from you so think about gentle reminders for things like clothes. As for house grubbinness yes you may want to talk about it was it will be good for her, but do it from a place of compassion. May be help her put together a cleaning schedule. She can do one thing at a time. Say tea towels and bedding on Saturdays. A quick sweep of dirtiest places once a week. And on another day a good wipe down on showers and toilet scrubbing. Then another say mopping and vacuuming.

But at the end of the day as long as she and kids are healthy and happy that's what matters most

Totally agree. Sad really. I have adult dds. They might do things differently but I try help without judging too much.

Non single mother here- other mothers don’t necessarily cope, look at thread after thread of people trying to juggle work and keeping their house clean with kids, and any kid is a lot to cope with, saying 9 years old is easy is ridiculous!!

I'd love to know when you think the easy stage of childhood starts. And then you can let the rest of us know when we should be finding it easy from

YABU and judgemental. She’s a single mother working full time. You have no idea how hard she’s struggling and what she’s dealing with.

Clean her house yes, but also ask her how she’s doing and if there’s anything you can do to make life easier for her.

and FYI just because her child is 9 doesn’t mean parenting isn’t hard.

So you’re asking if it’s too much to scrub her kitchen, budget her finances, clothe your grandson, and psychoanalyze her work performance… all before tea? Just checking

If I was your daughter I would cheerfully tell you to piss off and stop interfering. You’re calling her some strong words - grubby, lazy, and saying she’s only got one kid so should be able to cope.

And why on earth are you interfering in her budgeting? Sounds like you are far too involved in her business.

I must say, you do sound a bit awful. Why not just help without the criticism? He's your grandchild; surely buying him things is not outside of your remit, particularly when his mum is on her own? Did you work full-time while bringing up your children, doing the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, the gardening, the household admin, taking the bins out, maintaining the car single-handed?

@MrsKeats no, and I admit to only working part time so I had it a lot easier. I also admit to being over bearing; but there is a surely a minimum standard of hygiene in the kitchen and bathroom. It's not my job to be mentioning to her that his hair needs cutting, to get buy him new clothes. Her hair & make up are always perfect, so why not have the same amount of pride in her child? I love my dd very much and am concerned she's not coping as well as she says she is

How bad is the kitchen and bathroom though? Grubby and untidy doesnt equal unhygienic to me.

So you had a partner/husband and worked part time whilst your daughter is a single parent and works full time?
I feel you are adding the hair and make up stuff to prove your point a bit.

Offer in advance. Say you’d like to as a gesture to ease the burden on her.

When DC comes to you next weekend, could you ask your DD when she drops him off if she would like you to take him for a haircut? If she says yes, maybe buy him some new clothes on the same trip out, but I wouldn't buy too much and I wouldn't make a big fuss about it.
I would be mortified if my mum had just come into my house and cleaned it. But, when you are at her house, could you maybe ask if she would like you to put a load of washing on, or do some ironing? If she says no, just accept it and don't push.

What level of grubby house are we talking about? Just manky tea towels, bit of dust and general clutter or completely unhygienic counters, 3 days of dishes, bathrooms that are practically unusable?

Likewise, how dishevelled is he? Clothes a bit faded, small washed stains and a bit short? Or very noticeably the wrong size and dirty?

These things will change the advice you need.

I started out writing a long reply, and then thought all I need say is your being very judgmental. As a full time working parent I don't clean the my house as well as my mum did but she worked very part time.
Who wants to spend all there weekends cleaning and who doesn't want to make school uniform stretch to the end of term at this time of year?

If you want to help help from a place of love not judgement and criticism

I think you need to have a chat with your DD but not in the judgemental way you have come across on here. If it was my DD and she was struggling I would want to know and help in any way I could.

Oh goodness me, too much. Maybe ask if there is anything she needs doing whilst she is away.

And can you imagine the bashing on here if you were the MiL!