Frustrated with adult dd

[Frustratedwithadultdd]

Tell me if I'm interfering too much here. My adult dd has one child who's 9, so not at a difficult stage of childhood. She's a single parent with lots of support from family, and works full time 9 to 5. She doesn't gave a lot of money, but gets by.
Went round to her house today and it was untidy, grubby and needs a good clean. I'm surprised they haven't caught a bug with the disgusting tea towels she's been using.
She's away next weekend and we're looking after our dgc. Aibu to just go in and give the place a good scrub. We haven't brought her up to be this grubby.
She's a good mother, loves her child very much and they are very close. She's very slow to buy him new clothes when he's grown out of them. He does grow fast, but you can pick up items cheaply from Vinted. I know she can afford new clothes as I've helped her budget. Yet again this weekend we're going to buy him some new underwear & a few bits of new clothes. We don't mind but why do I feel more like his mum than his grandmother?
Should I have a talk with her and ask what's going on? If she's depressed she's masking it as she's doing well at her job and seems happy enough. Just lazy? I think so. I've mentioned it before but she says it's lack of time as she has to do everything. Other single mothers cope with everything, keep their house clean, take care of their children when they have 2 or 3. She only has 1! There's no excuse in my opinion.
Am I over bearing & a control freak? I feel like just leaving her to it, not buy dgc new clothes as it's her job; but I'm not taking him out looking slovenly in clothes that do not fit, I feel sorry for him.

I have been a single parent since DD was 4. My house can be untidy at times because I prioritise work and DDD. Housework is last on the list because nobody ever died from a bit of dust.

When DD was little, my Mum would come round and hoover the carpet while I did her vat return. She would take home loads of washing to help if DD was sick and we had gone through several sets of bedding.

She realised that as a single parent, working full time and with pretty much full care of DD, that I would be grateful for anything she could do to help.

I would have been thrilled to come back to a clean house. As long as you don't interfere or move things around, then go for it. Go in and hoover the carpets and clean the kitchen and bathroom.

Don't make any judgements, don't mention dirt or mess, just say that you wanted to surprise her and give her one less job to do.

Another thought.

I was a single parent with 3 DS’s. I find a messy, disorganised life quite stressful. Waking on a Saturday to a list of job was miserable.

So! Thursday evening was cleaning night. Me and DS’s, from them being about age 5, shared the jobs. In fact, we used to pick them out of a hat ( only those suitable included). 90 minutes, music on, job done.
It has created independent, organised young men! ( and meant a happier weekend with more time for fun).

Perhaps some discussion with your daughter and grandson about how he can help.

I would feel the same as you OP. I’m a single parent of 2 kids and I keep on top of things despite working long hours. Unless your daughter is unwell, there’s no excuse for not ensuring her child’s clothes fit, and keeping the house hygienic. I wouldn’t have a go at her though, because that will damage your relationship and probably affect how much care you can give your grandson, and it sounds like he needs you around.

If you think of a spectrum between imperfect and neglect, where does it sit?

The other spectrum is perfect and imperfect. I do not reach my mother's standards of glittering perfection and cleanliness, yet my home is usually spotless, with perhaps the odd slightly dusty skirting board. My mother thinks we live in filth and was aghast that I used to let the children get dirty.

I think this all depends on whether you’ve expressed other “opinions” on your daughter’s parenting previously. If you haven’t, then a house clean might be received in a positive way. If you’ve given her the old cat’s bum face in the past about her lifestyle and her parenting, she will see it as the judgement it so obviously is.

Some people just don’t see dirty messy etc, it’s all about benchmarking.

full time work is very tiring. Maybe she’s putting her energies on ‘being’ with her son rather than cleaning? If he’s well
sdjusted and happy then does it matter thst tbe house is grubby? Maybe your expectations on cleanliness are too high.

regardibg the clothes, as long as they have minimum needed, yiu don’t need new suit every week. Children do grow up quickly, and my DS was sometimes in too small clothes too. Same as me growing up. Didnt harm me.

I dont live up to my mums standards either! Although she also doesn't help me or offer to.

She'll know what you think of her I'm sure! You could buy her and your grandson the odd thing out of niceness. Don't do it out of judginess please!

Does he even want a haircut? My 9 year old doesn't ever want one and unless it is in his eyes I don't make him have one. He's a person in his own right.

Exactly, if anything it is quite a difficult age in it's own way. I feel like one of mine is like a mini teenager, not sure what is happening to my cute little kid. It was easier at 6!!

My family always give me house a good clean when they babysit.

The Op is being very unreasonable. Her daughter works full time and also has to manage things that may have fallen to a partner to do. She’s probably tired from work and if she is a certain age might be peri menopausal. Why don’t you ask her if she’d like more help and support from you. When I worked close to my mums house she would ring me twice a week and give me food she had made for us to eat. She knew how hard and tiring it was to run a house and do the majority of the cleaning, cooking etc and helped out when she could, without me asking her. She did it all without judging.

I'd offer to do a couple of hours a week to help her, whether that be cleaning, cooking or whatever would make life easier.

It could be that she’s neglecting her child however you come across terribly as you’re saying it’s not hard to have a 9 year old child as a single mother.

Were you a single mother holding down a job and being the main parent for a child?

If the answer is no then you really need to become more empathetic, especially towards your own child. You sound completely out of touch.

Is your grandson happy and well? Does your daughter have a good relationship with him?

When it comes to parenting everyone has their own priorities. My mum prioritised a clean and tidy home, and how things looked to people outside of our family unit. It has taken years of therapy in my 40s to tackle the damage it did to me - same for my brother.

You sound like her mother in law rather than her mom. She’s a single mom holding onto a full time job. Cut her some slack!

Your daughter isn't lazy OP, she's probably exhausted, and overwhelmed at times. Even those with a partner who doesn't do housework/childcare, usually don't feel they have to do literally every adult job in life. However, you are willing to help, that's great. Just be careful to come across as helpful and not judgemental. Ask if she'd like any jobs done and be lead by her. Unlike others, I see no harm in the odd gift of clothes for your grandson. That's normal in my family - from aunties as well.

Do NOT do this. You can ask her by all means but do not tell her she is lazy, depressed, useless etc. Not everyone prioritises housework or even cares tbh.

My mum tried to use housework and her very low opinion of my parenting to control me. We were no contact for several years because of this and other toxic behaviour.

Butt out and keep your thoughts to yourself. Try and have some compassion rather than judging.

Gosh agreed, she sounds like a great Mum op. I know somebody similar, and she lives with her parents, and only works part time so that she gets benefits, because she plays the system. She told me she won't work more than the minimum, because this tops her up. She ignores the child most of the time, told me she cannot be bothered with her.

Her parents do all of the house work, while she acts like a teenager. Her mother makes all the kids birthday cakes, Christmas Dinner, does all all the cooking. She is in her 40s, may run a vacuum around, but nothing else. Now those parents are more like the children's parents, not you.

Be proud of your daughter, support her by asking if she needs anything, baby sitting etc. Give her the opportunity to recharge her batteries, and a little time to herself.

If you're concerned then help her more. It doesn't sound like your role is more like a mother than a grandmother. Single mum working full time is very hard, stop judging start helping YABU.

If she’s going well at work then good on her - and maintaining external appearance is part of that. But being a mum and juggling full time work and keeping on top of house work is not easy. Something has to give and it sounds like it’s cleaning. Please don’t lecture her - just love her and be supportive and help.

She’s probably exhausted by the time she finishes work and just needs a bit of a lift.

My mum worked really hard and was doing a degree too - full time at both of these - and when I saw the state of her fridge I was mortified. I just cleaned it and didn’t say anything, because I appreciated she was really busy. We do these things from a place of love.

Why does it have to be about struggling? I am a single working parent - have been for many years now. I work full time, I do additional ad-hoc and seasonal work when available. But I am just one person. No one to help put the bins out, feed the dog, take the clothes upstairs and pop them in draws...it's just me.

I am not struggling. Not at all. But as that one person, sometimes something has to 'give'. And for me that is the housework. I live with a layer of dust. I live with the hoover on once a week maximum. I frequently dry myself with a soggy towel. And in return, I come home, make dinner, shove it all the dishwasher and then chill. And then there's the mental load which is all mine as well. The idea that I should work full time, part time on the side, manage the mental side of it all and have a perfect house as well....come on, people need to chill out sometimes.

If her daughter can look well groomed why not her son.
She sounds lazy and neglectful.

I have been over many people's homes where the dishes are in the sink, visible dust, etc, and while I am surprised that they live this way and feel comfortable enough to have company, I do not judge them.

You are openly judging your daughter and assuming things about her. Comparing her to others (based on what you observe from the outside) is incredibly unfair and actively disloyal.

I speak as someone who no longer speaks to my own intolerant, overbearing, judgemental, and highly critical mother and has made a point to be much different with my own daughter (who is a slob, by the way) and very different than me in many ways: Do you want your daughter to live by your standards or do you want to have a fun, fulfilling, loving relationship with her? What is your cross to die on, and what is most important?

Most people have to look well groomed for work and as a single mum, she is not in a position to risk losing her job. Just saying!